The Krusty Krab: The Years Before Spongebob

Episode 54: One Million Big Ones


Mr. Krabs flipped out of his hammock. His face smashed into the floor and he let out a groan.

"DAAAAAAAAAADDDDYYYY!" His daughter, Pearl, probably missed the bus again, which meant he had to drive her to school.

He groaned again.

"MR. KRABS! YOU'RE LATE! THE KRUSTY KRAB ISN'T OPEN!!!!!!" Spongebob's shrill voice echoed throughout his house.

He groaned again.

His alarm clock went off, late. Darn technology.

He groaned.

-----

Mr. Krabs entered The Krusty Krab and opened up, an hour after they advertised opening. His disgruntled employees followed, slipping into their own individual routines. Mr. Krabs entered his office groggily. He instantly lit up at what he saw. A suitcase sat open on his desk, a sign propped inside.

1 Million Dollars

"Barnacles, a million bucks!?!??" Mr. Krabs fainted.

-----

"Alright, I'd like to know who left me a million dollars!" Mr. Krabs scuttled out, announcing his luck to his five employees and one Marmaduke. The restaurant had been empty all morning.

"Wasn't me," Squidward said. "I hate you."

"Ditto."

"Me too."

"Yeah, I hate you."

"I wish you'd die."

"You're worse than Osama."

"Okay, okay, this isn't a roast," Mr. Krabs said, holding up a defensive claw. "But really... who left the cash there?"

"We just told you," Tim and Tom said in unison. "Don't you listen to anything we say?"

"I've learned to block certain people out over the years." He glances at Plankton, who is randomly reading "To Kill a Fishing Bird" on a mini chair by the register.

-----

So Mr. Krabs set off on a journey. A journey that took him from Africa, to Seapan, to Bikini Sideway, to Thong Central. He finally arrived back, sweaty and angry.

"WHO LEFT ME THE MONEY!?!?!?"

And Jim and Squidward burst out laughing.

"Mr. Krabs, it's Monopoly money," Jim giggled. "How could you not tell?"

Mr. Krabs, angry, reviewed his case of money and flushed with red. The money was indeed Monopoly. He felt stupid. More than stupid... idiotic, ignorant, arrogant.

"I hate you guys too," Mr. Krabs smiled.

Lol. Funny episode .

Episode 55: Mo L. Ester

The following episode of Years Before Spongebob is rated TV-MA-S for recurring sexual themes and is not advised to be read by young readers. Thank you.

It was a cloudy day in Bikini Bottom. It was depressing, in a way. And then a new customer came in, in the middle of a dead day. He claimed he was an investor, who wanted to invest in the Krusty Krabs company. Mr. Krabs eagerly accepted and invited the investor into his office. However, upon entering, Mr. Krabs was traumatized as he was molested by the investor, apparently named Mo L. Ester. Mr. Krabs kicked the investor out, and called the police. Several weeks later, he received a threatening phone call from Plankton, and then another threatening phone called from Old Man Jenkins. He was getting scared. And then, he got raped by his own mother!

Okay, okay. This is just... a TERRIBLE episode so far, so I'll just stop here. Mr. Krabs ended up waking up, and it was all a dream... except Mo E. Lester was next to him in bed.


Oh my god... this show sucks. o_o

The show doesn't suck, you just lost faith n it .

Episode 56: A Mystery Movie

The episode starts out with Mr. Krabs being bored in his office. He sees on his computer that there will be a Bikini Bottom Movie Competition. He goes out and tells his employees he is going to be making a movie. Upon further inspection, he sees Marmaduke has gone missing! He puts Jim and Marina on the job as investigators, an unlikely pairing. As they dig deeper, Squidward and then Tim goes missing! Tom is scared, and finally he goes missing! Jim and Marina realize they have feelings for each other, and kiss as the lights go out... and then there is a "AND THAT'S A WRAP, PEOPLE!" It's a familiar voice, and Mr. Krabs recognizes it: Plankton! He has been filming the whole thing, for HIS movie for the competition! Angry, Mr. Krabs chases him out of the restaurant.

tvguy347 wrote:Episode 56: A Mystery Movie

The episode starts out with Mr. Krabs being bored in his office. He sees on his computer that there will be a Bikini Bottom Movie Competition. He goes out and tells his employees he is going to be making a movie. Upon further inspection, he sees Marmaduke has gone missing! He puts Jim and Marina on the job as investigators, an unlikely pairing. As they dig deeper, Squidward and then Tim goes missing! Tom is scared, and finally he goes missing! Jim and Marina realize they have feelings for each other, and kiss as the lights go out... and then there is a "AND THAT'S A WRAP, PEOPLE!" It's a familiar voice, and Mr. Krabs recognizes it: Plankton! He has been filming the whole thing, for HIS movie for the competition! Angry, Mr. Krabs chases him out of the restaurant.

Are you intentionally trying to kill this show?

teenj12 wrote:

tvguy347 wrote:Episode 56: A Mystery Movie

The episode starts out with Mr. Krabs being bored in his office. He sees on his computer that there will be a Bikini Bottom Movie Competition. He goes out and tells his employees he is going to be making a movie. Upon further inspection, he sees Marmaduke has gone missing! He puts Jim and Marina on the job as investigators, an unlikely pairing. As they dig deeper, Squidward and then Tim goes missing! Tom is scared, and finally he goes missing! Jim and Marina realize they have feelings for each other, and kiss as the lights go out... and then there is a "AND THAT'S A WRAP, PEOPLE!" It's a familiar voice, and Mr. Krabs recognizes it: Plankton! He has been filming the whole thing, for HIS movie for the competition! Angry, Mr. Krabs chases him out of the restaurant.

Are you intentionally trying to kill this show?

No. o.o Is it against the law to post summary episodes...?

Well I hadn't noticed this show has two formats.

Episode 57: Twelve Past Eleven

It was a regular day at The Krusty Krab when the owner, Mr. Krabs, scuttled out of his office. He wore pink flower pajamas and smelled of onions and yawned. A stream of spit rolled down his cheek from his crooked mouth. His employees, well-rested and fresh, looked at him with an expression of horror drawn onto their faces.

"Mr. Krabs... did you sleep in your office last night?" asked a shocked Marina. They had known Mr. Krabs to leave work early, not stay the night. He was very irresponsible; had he had a change of heart?

"Yup. Twelve past eleven, actually," he said glancing at the clock over Squidward's work station.

"We can tell time, Eugene," the squid droned sarcastically.

"Glad you can tell time, Squiddy! But can you read worth a darn?" He chuckled heartily.

"Mr. Krabs, what were you doing in there all night?" Tim asked.

"Mr. Krabs, what were you doing in there all night?" Tom asked.

Tim stared at him. "I just said that..."

"I just said that...," Tom mimicked and rolled his eyes. Tim had been getting on his brother's nerves for quite some time. He was done, and now he was going to get on TIM'S nerves.

"Alright, back to work," Mr. Krabs said and stretched. There was an abrupt crrrrraaaaack and Mr. Krabs's eyes lit up in terror. He craned his head and saw his mangled back.

"MARMADUKE!" Mr. Krabs yelled. "WHY THE BARNACLE DID YOU BREAK MY BACK!?"

"Eugene, I'm not anywhere near you!" And Marmaduke wasn't fibbing; he was on the other side of the restaurant.

---

An ambulance came and whisked Mr. Krabs away. He'd left nobody in charge, so they all went home.

---

Four Weeks Later

Mr. Krabs rolled his way back to the Krusty Krab, having been limited to a wheelchair after breaking his ancient back.

The Krusty Krab looked to be millions of years old. Cobwebs covered the dilapidated wood and the cracking glass. The doors hung on their hinges, weak and tender.

"WHAT HAPPENED!?" he yelled, and rushed inside. There wasn't a worker to be found. He looked around, angry and picked up the phone in his office. A nest of spiders had been wedged in the bottom curve of the phone and Mr. Krabs flicked it out with a frustrated claw. The phone rang and rang and finally the groggy voice of Squidward answered.

"Y'ello?" he answered. He yawned and then smacked his lips.

"SQUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDWAAAAAAAAAAAAARD!" bellowed the crab. "WHERE ARE YOU!?? WHERE IS EVERYBODY!??! WHERE'D MY CREW GO!?!"

"Mr. Krabs, you've been gone for a month!" complained Squidward. "We all took a vacation!" Squidward hung up.

Eugene Krabs hastily called back.

"SQUIDWARD, IF YOU HANG UP ON ME AGAIN, SO HELP ME---"

"Krabs, I gotta go, my sister's having a baby."

"WHAT? You don't HAVE a sister!" But Squiddy had already hung up. Krabs called again.

"Stop CALLING me!" he screamed.

"Squidward...," said Mr. Krabs. "If you hang up on me again, I'll fire you."

Click.

---

"Nyanyanyanyanyanyanyan!" wailed Marmaduke as he danced to the Krusty Krab with his FishPod in one hand.

In his office, Mr. Krabs was dying from loss of money. Marmaduke entered and saw the boss and began to cry.

"Jesus, what're you doing here?" groaned Mr. Krabs. "You, Marmaduke, are one crazy fuck. You broke my back."

"I'm sorry!" Marmaduke moaned, bawling. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I really am! Oh God, I am a crazy fuck!"

"You are," Mr. Krabs said and looks at his claw.

---

Marmaduke was still crying, three hours later.

"Okay, okay," Mr. Krabs said and rolled his eyes. "Can you stop...?"

"I'M SORRY! I REALLY AM, EUGENE!" His crying had progressively gotten worse. Mr. Krabs didn't know why, considering Marmaduke really HADN'T done anything.

"Okay, well, I'll forgive you if you get Tim, Tom, Marina, Jim, and Squidward back here. Okay?"

"Okay, okay! Sure yes!" Marmaduke ran out, and two seconds later, Jim, Tim, Tom, Marina, and Squidward were standing before him.

---

A few months later, Mr. Krabs broke his back again and everybody cheered and left.

Episode 58: The Old Ladies' Murder CLub (Part I)

One day, an elderly woman named Louise comes over and applauds Jim on the well-done Krabby Patties. Louise reveals herself to be the older sister of Mrs. Flounders, and has finally tracked down the infamous spot where she died. Louise gradually invites her other old friends over and the Krusty Krab becomes a hot spot for elderly women. Mr. Krabs and Marina think tactics, trying to get them out. Instead, their failed plans only encourage Louise and her buds to stay. Over time, Louise becomes delusion after spending so much time. She wants her sister to still be there, and cannot come to terms with her death. Mr. Krabs, actually feeling sorry for her for once, sincerely apologizes and Marmaduke does as well, saying it was his fault and that Mrs. Flounders was one of a kind. The following morning, the crew enters to the restaurant to find a mysterious note. They follow the note to a rundown hotel where they discover Louise, who has committed suicide.

Episode 59: The Old Ladies' Murder Club (Part II)

A month goes by. The police have discovered that it was not a suicide, but actually a murder. The Krusty Krew is having a repeat of the Marly incidents. The old ladies that were friends with Louise decide to help the police and begin to investigate. After a huge investigation, they discover that there is a serial killer on the loose in Bikini Bottom! They race after the clues and they begin to get killed off one by one. Meanwhile, the gang goes overtime one night and while they are leaving, they come face to face with the killer. The police arrive just as the killer is about to kill Marmaduke. As the episode ends, Marmaduke states he would've been better off dead and how he deserves it.

Episode 60: Mother in the Morning

Mr. Krabs's mother comes to stay in the Krusty Krab. At first, the crew can deal with it but it soon gets out of hand and Marina, Tim, and Tom hide all of his mother's things as to get her frustrated and to leave. However, Mama Krabs is a better looker than they'd anticipated and she finds all of the things. They take it up a step further and hide the things all over the ocean. She leaves, on a worldwide trip to recollect her things. Meanwhile, Jim teaches Marmaduke to cook Krabby Patties. They become close friends and Jim eventually shares his special recipe secret with him. Mr. Krabs doesn't notice either things going on, or how the Krusty Krab is dead, as he is addicted to a new soap opera that had just started airing.

Go back to non-script episodes.

ExKizuna wrote:Go back to non-script episodes.

I am on non-script episodes. o.o

tvguy347 wrote:

ExKizuna wrote:Go back to non-script episodes.

I am on non-script episodes. o.o

Go back to script episodes.

teenj12 wrote:

tvguy347 wrote:

ExKizuna wrote:Go back to non-script episodes.

I am on non-script episodes. o.o

Go back to script episodes.

I meant script brah

You mean dialogue, gaiz? xD

Three types of spin offs: dialogue (like BT) summary (like the past few episodes of YBSB) and script (like Hassan's lits).

You mean dialogue?

tvguy347 wrote:You mean dialogue, gaiz? xD

Three types of spin offs: dialogue (like BT) summary (like the past few episodes of YBSB) and script (like Hassan's lits).

You mean dialogue?

Yes.

Resuming with this unannounced YBSB Special Week, we move back to the dialogue format!

Episode 61: Breaking the Fourth Wall

As the day ended, Mr. Krabs sat in his office, completely absorbed in his new drama he'd come to love, "Bikini Top."

"OH MY GOD," he sobbed. "WHY DID TREY HAVE TO DIE?"

Marina walked in and instantly backed up.

"Oh... Mr. Krabs... are you okay?"

"No, Marina, I'm not," he said, teary eyed. "Come here."

"Um... okay." She wobbled over to him and he hugged her. He pointed a claw at the screen.

"See... see... that guy?" he sniffled.

"Yeah...," she said and resisted against him.

"HE'S DEAD," he cried.

Marina looked at the guy laying on the floor, blood coming out of his would, animated Xs in his eyes.

"HE'S DEAD?" she said.

"YEAH, I KNOW, I WAS SHOCKED TOO," said he.

"He doesn't look dead," said Marina, and winks at the camera.

(theme)

"Okay, crew!" Mr. Krabs announced. "I have redesigned our menu!"

He passed out pieces of cardboard, with the selections done in purple Crayola crayons.

Marina, Jim, Tim, Tom, Squidward, and Marmaduke all examined them.

"Oh my god, Mr. Krabs, this is HORRIBLE!" Marina said.

"What's a 'Brown Stain?'" Squidward retorted.

"This is a CLASSY restaurant, Squidward, which is why we must have CLASSY names," Mr. Krabs said matter-of-factly.

"It conjures up images of SHIT," said Squidward, and he crossed his arms.

"You conjure up images of PORN, so I wouldn't talking," Mr. Krabs said and rolled his eyes.

"What, how?"

"Your tentacles, Squiddy. They're like long, floppy---"

"I don't know what a 'Crumber's Delight' is...," said Marmaduke and waved a fin.

"It's a special food I made."

"Oh my god," shouted Marina and slapped her knee in exasperation. "Take this one off."

"Which one?"

"'Lady Gaga's Hair.'"

"Oops, sorry," he said, and scribbled it out. "Sometimes I write down amazing songs in my sleep."

~~~

After some reviewing, the only dessert left on the menu was pudding, and a big pink starfish had come in and eaten all of the pudding, so they were out of pudding.

"We're gonna go outta business. I just know it!" Mr. Krabs had his head in his arms. They all sat around his desk in his office.

"Because we don't have dessert?" Jim asked.

"Yeah, apparently dessert is what we're known for," Squidward replied sarcastically. "If we're even known at all," he added, muttering.

"HEY!" Mr. Krabs. "Enough snark, we---"

"Oh my god, shark?" Marmaduke said and stood up, frightened.

"No... Marmaduke...," Mr. Krabs said and rubbed his head. "Why are you even here? You don't work here."

"I'm sorry," said Marmaduke, and left.

"Thank Neptune..."

"Well, I did research, and there are these---"

"Wait, hold up," Mr. Krabs said and grins. "Did you get it off of NaggyBitch.com?" He giggled.

"Mr. Krabs, you're the one trying us to take DESSERTS seriously, when we're a fast food restaurant."

"You know what, I think we actually need a drive thru," Mr. Krabs said. He got up and grabbed a hammer off a filing cabinet behind him.

Marina thought of the crappy menus Mr. Krabs had made out of cardboard and crayons and got up.

"NO, MR. KRA--"

Mr. Krabs swung, and a big chunk of dry wall crumbled. A swell of dust accumulated and swirled around in the air before being blown out of the hole in the wall.

~~~

"Okay, these are the BEST desserts we can afford, Eugene," Marina said the day after Mr. Krabs had stupidly made a hole in his office wall. She presented him with small, frozen eclairs.

"That's it?"

"We can't afford more! It's going to be expensive to fix the hole you made!"

"Not the hole I," he said, and paused, trying to think of what to say next.

Marina stared at him with a, You're kidding me, right? expression.

"Mr. Krabs," she said. "We ALL saw you get a hammer and---"

"Okay, okay, okay!" he said, flustered. "Fine, we'll sell eclairs."

"Good," she exhaled and picked up the bag full of them.

~~~

Fact: One eclair was not ever sold by the Krusty Krab, and Mr. Krabs had to pay the repair guy even more because he gave him a hard time.

Swoosh Cut to Repair Guy's Arrival

"Yeah, this'll cost me like a good 100 to fix," the repair guy said.

"HA! I'll pay you five bucks, okay?"

The repair guy stared.

"What? 100 is pretty expensive."

"No shit, Sherlock. And there's a hole in your wall. What we gonna do bout that?"

"I'll get another repair guy!"

"All the other repair guys in the city hate you."

"That is NOT true."

(Montage of other repair guys saying, "He sucks ass. God, I want to kill him. Sucks. Hate 'im. Who WOULD like him? So cheap.")

"Whatever, man," the repair man said. "You can fix the wall yourself."

So Mr. Krabs did, except he fixed it with cardboard.

~~~

The repair guy came back and fixed it, although he charged Mr. Krabs 1,000 dollars instead of 100.

Yup. Everybody hates Mr. Krabs.

Swoosh Cut Back, and Roll Credits

i liekd the Fact: One eclair was not ever sold by the Krusty Krab, and Mr. Krabs had to pay the repair guy even more because he gave him a hard time. part.

Episode 62: Break A Leg!

Squidward was struggling to stay away. His vision went blurry, he tumbled to floor, and then jumped right back up again.

"SQUIDWARD!" Mr. Krabs hollered and walked over.

"What, Eugene?" the squid asked groggily and rubbed both of his eyes.

"Why are you sleeping?"

"Why do you think?"

"I dunno, it's just it's kind of cold in here," said Mr. Krabs.

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Oh you didn't hear? The Bikini Bottom Strangler has been said to be venting cold air into restaurants to make them sleepy and then he can come in and rob them."

"One, why would cold air make a person tired, and two, why would a STRANGLER rob a place?"

"Mmkay, Squidward, I'm going to use the Knock-Out."

"Huh?" And Mr. Krabs whacked with a black baton.

~~~

Squidward was leaning back in his boat chair when a man walked in.

"Hi, I'll have a medium Dr. Kelp with a---"

"I'm on my break, nimrod," slurred Squidward.

"...with a large Krabby Patty with extra pickles and---"

"I'm on my break, wanker."

"...and a large side of fries and the Kids Meal toy."

"Did you not hear me? Cause maybe you didn't. I'M ON MY---"

"I heard you," said the customer a little impatiently. "Now can I have my food? I'm not going to give you my money."

Mr. Krabs smashed through the roof and landed between the disgruntled customer and the irritated employee.

"Squidward, you don't GET a break. Now give Spongebob the food!"

"Spongebob? Who the barnacle is that?" Squidward shot.

"I... I... why, I don't know," Mr. Krabs said curiously and put a thoughtful claw to his lip. He stayed like this for about five minutes.

"Uh... Eugene?"

"Oh, right, right!" he said. "Give Jim the order!"

"I've already made it," Jim said and passed a soggy burger though the window.

"Jesus, I'm not eating that!" the customer cried repulsively.

"I smelled something good!" Marmaduke said and ran to the hamburger devoured it in one bite.

"OH JESUS!" the customer. "That's fucking disgusting."

"YOU'RE fucking disgusting," growled Marmaduke.

"I'm leaving."

"NO! PLEASE DON'T GO! WE NEED YOU!" Mr. Krabs bawled. He clawed onto the man's leg, there was a snap, and the customer's leg broke off.

"OWWWWW!" he howled and collapsed on the floor.

"Oh Neptune, Jesus, oh my god, oh my god!" Eugene cried. "I'll fix it, I'll fix it!" He rammed the leg back in.

"OWWWWW!"

"MARINA!"

"Yea---" She walked out from the back room and screamed. "MR. KRABS!"

"Go to the store and get me some Scotch tape!"

"Why?!"

"Or staples, it doesn't matter."

There was another snap and another howl.

"Mr. Krabs, you broke his other leg!" Jim cried from the window.

"Stop leaning on him!" Squidward agreed. "You're too fat!"

Mr. Krabs backed off, but in doing so crushed the customer's upper limb.

"CALL ME AN AMBULANCE!" he cried.

"Mr. Krabs, what the fishpaste did you do?!" screamed Marina as Mr. Krabs headed to his office.

"I didn't do anything! You deal with this, you're smart!" He slammed the door in her face and Marina yelled in frustration. She swirled around and pointed at Marmaduke, who was stuck in the window, his feet flailing. Jim appeared in the doorway.

"He likes those soggy burgers, but I wouldn't let him in...," he said.

"Call the police!"

~~~

As the customer was pulled away on a stretcher, Marina barged in on Mr. Krabs.

"Surely you just feel guilty," she yelled.

"Don't call me Shirley," he giggled.

"You are so immature," said Marina and crossed her arms over her chest.

"No, I'm just not good under pressure."

(Montage of Mr. Krabs not doing well under pressure)

"We know that, Mr. Krabs, you just--"

"Do you EVER stop nagging and bitching?" he said.

(Camera Shot: Just on Marina)

"Mr. Krabs, you're immature and---"

(A small disco ball flies at Marina and hits her)

"Did you just throw that at me?" she said.

"Nah, the Tooth Fairy did."

"Oh, so THAT'S how it's gonna be."

"I guess it is," he said. "I can have swag too." He snaps his fingers.

"No," she says and shakes her head. "You really can't."

~~~

"You ready?" Jim asked Marmaduke.

"Where are you guys going?" Tim asked.

"Jim's taking me to SA."

"What?"

"Soggy Anonymous," he replied and grinned. "To get me off of my soggy Krabby Patties addiction."

"Great...," Tom said.

~~~

While driving, another vehicle with flashing lights drives past them.

"Fucking pigs," Jim muttered.

~~~

Upon arriving, a bum asked them for money, although Marmaduke noticed the 'bum' was wearing a Rolex and slapped the homeless man. After inspecting, Jim said it was a picture of a Rolex on paper. Marmaduke apologized, but then slapped him again and asked where he printed it. Jim pulled him away.

Inside, the air was sterile and smelled like any community center. A male walked up to them.

"WELL HI!" he said and smiled. His tone suddenly turned angry. "WELCOME TO THE GODDAMN COMMUNITY CENTER NOBODY FREAKING USES." He spat on the floor. "JANITOR."

A scruffy janitor walked over and mopped up the spit.

"I SHALL LEAD YOU THIS WAY," he said stiffly.

"AND WE SHALL FOLLOW," joked Jim.

The man twirled around. "Mimicry is annoying, hon."

"I'm not a hon," Jim said. "I'm a man."

The man turned around and examined him. "A hermaphrodite at best." He smirked.

"Actually, I think we can find our way there, thanks," said Jim.

"OH, SO AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?" the man screamed as they walked away. "FINE THEN. LEAVE. SEE IF I CARE."

"Let's just go, Marmaduke," murmured Jim and they did.

~~~

The following morning Mr. Krabs announced some news.

"That customer I accidentally killed... his family is suing us," he said.

"He DIED?" Marina cried. "Are you going to be able to live with that on your conscious, Krabs? That you killed a fish?"

"Yes," Mr. Krabs said. "I have the best lawyer ever."

They all groaned.

"This is what, the 100th time Mr. Krabs has gotten us sued right?"

"No, Squidward," spat Mr. Krabs...

(Montage of the 100 times Mr. Krabs has gotten the restaurant sued)

"Who's the lawyer?" piped up Tim. "Is he any good?"

"Yeah, without a decent lawyer we're screwed," concurred Tom.

"The lawyer... can I get a drum roll?"

There was silence.

"Pupupupupupupup," Mr. Krabs said making his own drum roll.

"Sounds like you're saying 'pup'," said Marmaduke and they laughed.

"Marmaduke, just leave," Mr. Krabs said. "God, I hate you. I wish I could've killed you instead of that man."

"You're a dick," Tom said. The rest of the crew agreed.

"OKAY, OKAY, OKAY!" Eugene screamed and Marmaduke left. "Anyway, the lawyer is me."

And everybody knew they were screwed.


To be continued... SEE HOW MR. KRAB'S TURNS UP IN COURT!

Episode 63: Kourt Krabs

The crew (excluding Marmaduke, as Mr. Krabs claimed he would 'ruin everything') arrived early that morning at around 5 AM.

"Alright, alright," Mr. Krabs said groggily. "Everyone ready?"

"Why do WE have to go? YOU'RE the one who's getting sued," said Squidward, the only one wide awake in the group of zombies.

"Because... because, Mr. Krabs, they're selling... suing, I mean, us as a whole... whole...," Mr. Krabs slurred and leaned onto the table for support. He had been up all night planning the case. "Squiddy, you drive. I'm too tarter saucing tired."

After Squidward protested, he ended up driving to the Bikini Bottom Courthouse. And Squidward didn't take having to drive there lightly; he bitched the WHOOOOLE way about this and that.

Once they arrived, Mr. Krabs (now fully awake), tried to squeeze under the seats as the prosecution entered the building. He couldn't fit, and his fat ass and little legs squirmed.

Squidward smirked. He rolled down the window and shrieked, "WE'RE GONNA LOSE!"

They didn't turn around and headed right into the courthouse.

~~~

An hour later, the judge entered sleepily and took his place high above the rest. The People's Court theme music began to play.

("People's Court" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6zwkcDKH6E

They introduced the defendant and the plaintiff. Bikini Bottom Court is different and more biased than American court. Remember, they're fish.

"Alright, I gotta get outta here soon, so let's skip the swears and get right to it," the judge said and rolled his eyes.

"Okay, well, your honor, this bitch man here---"

"Hey, hey, let's refrain from using coarse language in the courtroom," the judge said.

"YES!" Mr. Krabs cheered.

"Shut up, bitch man," the judge sneered. He returned to the plaintiff. "Proceed."

"This man killed my brother," the apparent brother of the victim finished.

"OBJECTION!" said Mr. Krabs.

"What? How can you object to that? You DID kill him, did you not?" the judge said.

Now Mr. Krabs walked in front of everybody and began to pace back and forth.

"In this day and age," he said. "I think everybody makes mistakes."

"I've never made a mistake in my life," the judge moaned, dramatically flailing his hands around and swirling in his spinny chair.

"Yeah, well, we aren't all perfect like you, White Wig," said Mr. Krabs. "That's why people hate coming to his court, because of that cum-doused, shit full, cock sucking---"

"Okay, we can all play Nostalgia Critic later. Get on with it," said the judge.

"Anyway, we ALL make mistakes... and I think with this day and age, we should be able to forgive and forget!"

"TELL THAT TO MY FUCKING BROTHER!" the angry brother shouted.

"I can't, cause he's dead," Mr. Krabs said.

"YOU MOTHERFUCKING SON OF A BITCH!"

"Your honor, he's using coarse language again," reported Mr. Krabs.

"I'll allow it."

And the brother cussed him out for the next hour.

"Okay, that's enough," the judge finally said.

"Anyway, I am innocent until proven guilty," said Eugene and took his seat.

"You realize we have about a dozen witnesses to the murder?"

"It wasn't a murder...," said the crab. "Per se..."

"Okay, well, we don't have a very good judicial system here, so there's only 'murder.' No first degree or that crud."

Suddenly, the court doors opened and a woman and two lawyers walked in.

"Hi, Casey Anthony, I'm here for the redo cause people are---," the woman said. The lawyers whispered to her and then they started to turn around and leave, when Casey felt it necessary to announced, "THIS IS CASEY ANTHONY... AND I AM LEAVING."

~~~

A lunch break came and Mr. Krabs started to panic.

"I have an idea!" Squidward said. "GIVE UP."

"Mr. Krabs?" Tim said.

"Yeah?"

"Hi..."

"Hi...?"

~~~

"The jury finds you guilty," the judge said.

"What? Are we in a world where we can sentence an amazing crab? If so, our world sucks ass."

"Agreed. You're free to go... to JAIL!" the judge cackled as Mr. Krabs was taken away.

~~~

48 Seconds Later

Mr. Krabs tricked the two idiotic security guards into arresting each other and escaped freely.

Episode 64: In Too Deep

Mr. Krabs awoke in his office, drowsy and feeling drugged. He glanced at his desk clock and instantly got up. He stumbled out into the main restaurant. The Krusty Krab was busy, thriving in the early morning. Yup, the morning rush.

“SQUIDWARD!” Mr. Krabs called.

“Jesus, what is it now, Eugene?” Squidward called. “We’re busy!”

“I know, I know,” said Mr. Krabs and he drunkenly staggered over. “It’s just... just I, I, I... how ya doin’?” He leaned on the boat.

“Just a second, sir,” Squidward said to the customer next in line. He looked at Mr. Krabs angrily. “THIS IS THE MORNING RUSH. WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY NEED TO SAY THAT CAN’T WAIT UNTIL I’M DONE?”

“Hey, y’know Jim?”

“Yes, he works here,” Squidward nodded irritably.

“Yeah, where is he?” Mr. Krabs walked off without waiting for an answer. He walked into the kitchen.

“Hey, Mr. K,” Jim said, flipping patties with two spatulas in his hands. Marmaduke stood beside him, preparing the patties and making drinks.

“Why... why... who’s that guy?” he asked, pointing a claw at Marmaduke.

“Marmaduke, he’s helping me. Kinda busy here, Mr. K,” Jim said as he finished adding a bun to a patty.

“Eww, MARMADUKE,” Mr. Krabs said. “I hate him.”

“Mhmm,” said Jim and rolled his eyes.

“See, the thing about my family is that... that there’s me... my unknown *burp* wife... a freaking WHALE even though imma krab. I dunno how SHE happened. And then there’s my mom, and then my.... my boy mom.”

“Eugene, we’re BUSY,” Jim said.

“Aight, aight, calm down Kell, it’s not like I’m gonna kill ya,” Mr. Krabs said. “YET.” He laughed heartily.

He walked back out and observed Marina, Tim, and Tom serving tables hastily.

“HEY GUYS,” he screamed. He accidentally knocked Marina’s load of plates over and then smashed them as he walked over them.

“MR. KRAAAAAAABS!” she screamed at the top of her lungs.

“Huh? Oh sorry, hon. Didn’t see ya there.” He pivoted around and walked into the bathroom. We hear a bathroom stall open and a girl scream.

“What’s that do?” Mr. Krabs said.

“Oh, nothing really. It’s where my first child came out into the world,” the woman fish says.

~~~

The following day, the crew embraced the warmth of the Krusty Krab after the snowstorm that had unexpectedly hit Bikini Bottom.

“Jesus, it’s freezing out there!” Marmaduke exclaimed.

“No, really?” said Squidward sarcastically. He rolled his eyeballs.

“Where’s Mr. Krabs?” Marina asked. She looked around the empty restaurant. Suddenly, the crab burst from his office with a grin on his face.

“Oh no,” Tim gasped.

“Oh YES,” he said. “Guys, I have the ultimate new idea!”

“But whenever you say you have a good idea, well... it’s usually not a good idea!” Marina shook her head as if to support it.

“No, she’s right,” Jim concurred.

“Okay, list FIVE!” Mr. Krabs felt triumphant; he couldn’t have screwed up TOO many times...

“Well, when you turned the restaurant into a church.”

“And you decided to skip a few business days and take us to Vegas.”

“And when you decided to cut our salaries because you wanted more money for yourself.”

“Also, you killed Mrs. Flounders.”

“And you broke into Marina’s Stater Sis store.”

“One more person and you legally qualify as a serial killer,” said Squidward with a demonic grin.

“Okay, okay, okay I get it,” Mr. Krabs. “Maybe I’ve supported some of your guys’s bad ideas, but--”

“No, they’ve pretty much all been yours,” said Marmaduke.

“Get the barnacle out of here, Marmaduke. Really, why are you here? Nobody likes you, and in my opinion it was YOUR fault Mrs. Flounders died... so get out. Go.”

Marmaduke left the restaurant for the cold, stormy outside.

“You’re a real dick, Mr. Krabs,” Squidward.

“Okay, well this new idea DOESN’T suck... c’mon!” He led them into the kitchen where there was a big hole in the ground.

“Dammit, Mr. Krabs!” Jim cried. “This is where I fucking work!”

“Sorry, I didn’t think you’d mind!” Mr. Krabs said. “D:”

“Fine, fine,” he said. “But look!” He hoisted himself down into the hole and they did the same. Mr. Krabs turned on a light; there was a huge underground cavern with a pool, a towel table, tents with mist, a slide for kids, and a snack shack. Around the pool were recliners for antisocial people.

“This is pretty awesome, Mr. K,” Marina said.

“Wow, really?” he said. “YOU like it?”

“Hellz yeah!”

“Are you kidding me?” asked Squidward. “You built a pool... in the winter?”

“Maybe,” Mr. Krabs said.

“Not maybe, YES or NO.”

“Yes.”

“I can see that,” Squidward said. “What, Mr. Krabs, look! There’s a freaking layer of ice on top.”

“We can fix that!”

“Not unless you put in a bunch of heaters,” he said. “And you’re too cheap to---”

“Squidward, I’ll get heaters by tomorrow, I promise.”

“When have you ever kept your promises?”

~~~

There were rusty heaters in the pool the next day, chugging in hot water. The hot water, however, had little green things in it. ‘Algae’ Mr. Krabs had called it, but it was NOT algae.

However, the entire group was underground, in the heated, dark swimming pool while customers flooded in above, not knowing where to go. Squidward realized this first.

“Mr. Krabs, they don’t know where to go,” he said pointing above them.

“Huh? Oh fishpaste, yeah!” He clambered back up using a ladder he’d bought at the Fish4Less market. Sure enough, the restaurant was packed with customers despite the recent death that had taken place.

“Everybody! Now you can eat your Krabby Patty while in a HEATED POOL!” The customers, being ignorant, following Mr. Krabs down in the pool. Kids ran to the waterpark (which wasn’t anything more than a cardboard slide and a few buckets with water in them, and a cheap lazy river). Squidward was instantly overcrowded with adults all around him.

“Mr. Squidward!” exclaimed Mr. Krabs. “You’ll be our towel boy.”

“But Mr. Krabs!” he cried. “I’m relaxing!”

“I don’t give a fin! Go be towel boy!” Squidward groaned and got up. He headed to the towel table where people ran boy and grabbed towels. There was no NEED for him to be there.

Meanwhile, Tim and Tom busily ran the snack shack while Marina was stationed a life guard by the lazy river. Mr. Krabs counted admission tickets.

“This is amazing!” Mr. Krabs muttered to himself as more people piled into the underground plaza. However, things took a turn for the worse when TOO many people began to enter. The pool drained and the ground began to sag. The hole to get out became wider and a deafening roar overtook the paradise. Snow from the outside had somehow gotten into the kitchen and was now avalanching down into the pool.

Tim and Tom escaped the Snack Shack just as it was crushed with ice. People screamed and ran around. It was pandemonium. The one exit was blocked with more oncoming snow, and they were gently, ever so slightly, sinking.

“HELLO?” Jim cried. “HELLO?”

“What?” Marina said. He realized she was next to him.

“C’mon, we aren’t dying here.” They both made their way around the lazy river and saw that there was a thin layer of snow now on the rocky, blue pavement. The overhead lights Mr. Krabs had installed went out and everyone was plunged into darkness.

“OKAY,” Mr. Krabs called, but his voice was washed out by the shrieking and yelling. Suddenly, the lights were flicked back on and the snow was gone. A fat man stood in the whole.

“Mr. Krabs, I told you, STOP keeping a bunch of white feathers in your freezer!” the man exclaimed. “Jesus, there’s billions of them here.”

“Uh... sorry,” Mr. Krabs said sheepishly.

“You KNEW that it wasn’t snow, but frozen feathers?” Squidward shouted. “Unbelievable.”

Mr. Krabs was later put in the hospital by angry customers.

Episode 64: Superman

Mr. Krabs sat at his desk, playing with a little desk toy. He was bored and had nothing to do. The door suddenly burst in and Squidward sprinted in.

"Yes, Mr. Squidward? I'm rather busy, as you can see," Mr. Krabs said and gestured to the desk toy.

"There... are a bunch of people outside, Mr. Krabs," he panted. "Looks like they're going to riot."

Mr. Krabs was under his desk, shaking, in a matter of seconds.

"Mr. Krabs!" exclaimed Squidward.

"I'm scared!" Mr. Krabs said sheepishly. "I've never had---"

"It's not a riot," the squid said. "Just.. c'mon."

"It's NOT a riot?"

"Mhmm." They walked outside, where people swarmed around the restaurant holding pitchforks and torches. They looked angry. Dark, stormy clouds moved over the city just for dramatic effect.

"SQUIDWARD!" hollered Krabs. "You said it WASN'T a riot!"

"Well, they want YOU, so why does it matter?" People also held signs, reading:

"KRABS, GIVE BACK THE MONEY U STOLE FROM THAT OLD LADY LAST WEEK."

"Um... I stole no money!" he said angrily. A few bags of money labeled "$" suddenly fell out of his ass. "SQUIDWARD! I TOLD YOU, MY ASS ISN'T A PLACE TO STORE MONEY!"

~~~

After a few days in county jail, Mr. Krabs was back and bored in his office. Marmaduke entered.

"Jesus, what do YOU want? Can't you leave me alone for one day?"

"Uh... sorry, boss," Marmaduke said.

"Boss?"

"Yeah, I'd like to apply for a job," he smiled. "I mean, I hang out here enough so I think---"

"Okay, here's something you need to learn about ME," Mr. Krabs said and paused.

Five minutes went by.

"I'm waiting..." Marmaduke said quizzically.

"Oh, did you say something?" Mr. Krabs said. He broke out of the trance he was in.

"No... you started to say something and then stopped for like five minutes."

"It was for a dramatic pause, Marmaduke," Mr. Krabs said matter-of-factly, staring down at him like Mr. Krabs was God and Marmaduke was... was... a really bad SNAIL. "Stupid idiot..."

"Okay, what were you going to say?"

"OH yeah," Mr. Krabs said. "Well, one thing you have to know about me: I don't hire based on SKILL, or KNOWLEDGE, or TALENT, or how good you can do your job. I hire based on how much I like a person, and I honestly want to kill you, Marmaduke, so NO. You're not hired." He smiled.

"Well, I'm going to work here anyway," Marmaduke said. "I don't care what you say about me anymore!"

"Yes you do."

Marmaduke broke down and cried, and then ran out of the restaurant.

"Worst. Person. Ever."

~~~

"Hello, can I take your order?" Squidward said dully on the phone. He now had to man the phones AND the cash register ever since Mr. Krabs had installed the lines a few days prior.

"YES," the man on the phone said. "Sorry, I have kind of a bad connection."

"It's fine," Squidward replied. "NOw, our specials include---"

"What?"

"Our specials include a Super Krabby Milkshake, a Kids' Super Meal, a Super---"

"WHAT?"

"OUR SPECIALS INCLUDE A SUPER KRABBY MILKSHAKE, A KIDS' SUPER MEAL, A SUPER SUPER DELUXE SUPER SUPPER, A BROWN STAIN, A SUPER SAFARI MEAL, AND A KRABBY PATTY DELUXE SUPER!"

There was silence.

"Hello? Is anybody there?" the customer on the line finally said.

Squidward yelled crazily.

The customer yelled crazily too.

(The screen splits and we see Squidward and the customer, on the phone, shouting, "BKDUHUHJFHDJDUFCHAUJHAHAHAHAHDJDKSHNSWJKUHUHUHUHU!" while flailing their arms around)

Squidward finally hangs up as a man dressed in tights walks in.

"Hi," the man says and flexes his muscles. "I'd... LIKE a Super Deluxe Krabby Super Patty. I'm Superman by the way."

And because Superman said that, Squidward thought he was Superman. He's smart, right?

~~~

For the next few days, Squidward followed the muscular man named Superman. He made a list logging Superman's habits. The list included:

1.) Make a porno
2.) Jack off to your own porno
3.) Make breakfast
4.) Eat the breakfast
5.) Fly around the city nude
6.) Molest a child
7.) Get arrested
8.) Break out of prison with laser eyes

From what Squidward could tell, Superman wasn't a hero, but a sexually dangerous predator not using his wang for good.

~~~

Marina, Tim, and Tom sat at a table in a corner, eating some chow.

"So did you guys see the new Fish Idol last night?" asked Marina.

"Yeah," Tim said gleefully.

"No," Tom said, pissed. He glared at Tim. "Somebody didn't want to watch it together."

"MUST you bitch about everything?"

"Hey, guys!" Mr. Krabs said as he pulled up a chair.

"Um... hi?" Marina said.

"Mr. Krabs, what do you need?" asked Tim.

"What, can't a boss sit with his employees?" asked Mr. Krabs nervously.

"Not unless they WANT something," Marina said.

"Okay, fine," and they all leaned in, except Marina and Mr. Krabs accidentally rapped heads.

"Oww!" she screeched. "Dammit, Mr. Krabs!"

"Hey, don't bitch!" Mr. Krabs said, one of his long eyes shoved back inside his head. "Anyway, I need you guys to kill Marmaduke."

"WHAT?" they all screamed simultaneously.

~~~

Jim walked happily along Conch Street when a bum jumped out at him.

"Jim!" he screamed happily.

"What the fuck!??!" Jim retorted and backed up.

"It's me, Jay!" And Jim could vaguely see a little Jay in the homeless man.

"Jay?" Jim asked, not believing it. "Is that really you?"

"Yeah man!" he grinned.

"What the hell happened? You just... disappeared."

"Well, after the whole Marly thing, I kinda went in a downward crash. I couldn't live, and I forgot to pay my bills. I got kicked out, so I went looking for a job in Running Shells, but there weren't any. I became a hobo, and I've hopped around. I decided to come back here!"

"Why didn't you just come back to the Krusty Krab? I'm sure Mr. Krabs would've given you a job."

"It didn't occur to me to do that. I feel stupid, but now I guess I can do that, right?"

"I dunno," said Jim. "We hired someone new to replace Marly."

"Who?"

"It was actually one of her friends, Marina."

"Oh, yeah, I think Marly told me about her," he said and Jay hung his head. "Have you talked to her lately?"

"Marly?"

"Yeah."

"No, sorry. Have you?"

"Nah," he said. "I haven't talked to her in about a year. Everything has gone by so fast lately."

"I know," Jim said. There was an awkward silence. "Well... if you want to get a job at the Krusty Krab, you know where to find us."

Jim spun on his heels and went around.

"Wait, Jim!" Jim cringed and waited and the soot-covered (oddly enough) Jay caught up.

"Can I come with you right now?"

"Um... yeah, sure, why not?" Jim said. Truth be told, he didn't WANT Jay to come back. He brought back up too many unpleasant memories.

They walked back to The Krusty Krab in silence. Jim had gone for the walk on his own lunch break, needing some relaxation after working the friers non-stop all morning.

~~~

Squidward was getting tired watching SuperSexman. He finally sulked back to the Krusty Krab where nobody noticed him reenter. Everybody was preoccupied with some, other LARGER news: Jay had returned.

Jay took Marmaduke's job slot and a new rivalry formed. As everybody welcomed Jay back, Marmaduke watched with angry eyes. He had taken his job! The nerve of the son of a bitch.

~~~

Well, we have tomorrow and Monday! Wow, this Premiere Week has gone by so fast! I'm sad that it's almost over!

Episode 65: UFO (Unidentified Flying Octopus)

"Alright, crew!" announced Mr. Krabs. "We are reporting excellent numbers! That is great! Can I get a WOO-HOO!?"

The restaurant was silent.

"Um... okay," said Eugene. "Anyway, in order to increase this success, we are officially going to start doing 24/7 shifts? Yay!"

Everybody groaned.

"Oh shut the FUCK up," a sassy Mr. Krabs snapped. "Bunch of prudes in here."

"Do you know what the word 'prudes' means?" Marina asked.

"Why would I use a word I don't know the definition of, Marina? Use your head."

"She doesn't have a head," Tim says dirtily and winks at the camera.

"Oh is THAT how it's gonna be?" said Marina to Mr. K.

"You've known that that's how it's gonna be! You always BITCH, and NAG, and--"

"C'mon, nobody got that?" Tim frowned.

"What're you talking about?" asked Tom and also winks at the camera. Tim glares at him.

(theme plays)

"Okay, guys!" Mr. Krabs said. It was midnight and they were all tired in the main lobby.

"How are YOU still awake?" Marmaduke droned.

"He doesn't DO anything," Jim said. "Ever notice all he does is sit in his office and do NOTHING?"

(Swoosh to:

Mr. Krabs is playing with little Star Wars figurines, making shooting noises and explosions.

)

"Hey, I take offense to that," said Mr. Krabs, holding out a claw. "And to think I was going to do something NICE for you guys."

"When you say you'll do something NICE, Mr. Krabs, it's usually something cheap, and it's almost always something YOU want," Marina replied.

"No, I was going to take everybody for a midnight ride in a hot air balloon to boost spirits, but---"

They were all fully awake and smiling within seconds.

~~~

"Okay, here we are," Mr. Krabs said. Marina had been right. One raggedy balloon stood beside a shitty house that looked like something Mr. Krabs would've made with cardboard and crayons.

"Mr. Krabs... can that thing hold all of us?" asked Squidward wearily.

"Nope," muttered the crab as he got out of the car.

"What!??"

He looked back. "Um... yeah. It can hold us all and probably two thousand more shellfish!"

"But shellfish don't even weigh a pound and they---"

"Okay, okay! Let's just go!" Mr. Krabs walked into the crappy shack beside the terminal and knocked. A seminude fish appeared in the door.

"Yah?" he asked.

"Hi, I have a reservation under 'Krabs' and---"

"DARLA!? RESERVATION UNDER KRABS!"

"WHAT?"

"KRABS RESERVATION!"

"OKAY, TELL 'EM TO COME AROUND BACK."

"She says to come around back," the scruffy man said.

"Yeah, I heard," said Mr. Krabs and rolled his eyes. He led his group around the side of the dimly lit building and they all gaped at the beautiful, shining hot air balloon. A cowgirl stood next to it.

"Hey ya'll, I'm Darla!"

"She sounds like that squirrel Sandy we met," said Mr. Krabs.

"C'mon!" Darla said and gestured at the enormous air balloon. "This comes complete with two floors, a jacuzzi, a gourmet kitchen, and a rec room!"

"That's possible for an air balloon?"

"Water balloon," Darla corrected. "People always think it's an air balloon. WELL, WE'RE FREAKING UNDER WATER!"

"Oh, yeah... true," said Marina.

"But yes!" she exclaimed. "We use the newest technology! Now go aboard, and I'll lift you off!"

They entered the hot air balloon and gasped at the enormous interior. Plated in gold, booths surrounded the walls with a stage in the center. Stairs looping around to the second floor, which served as a kitchen, jacuzzi, and rec room with no roofs so that you could see the night sky as you lifted off.

"It's freaking amazing," Squidward said. "I brought my clarinet... I can play on that stage!"

"You brought your clarinet to work?" Mr. Krabs asked.

"Yeah. Why?"

"Oh, nothing," Mr. Krabs said. And then under his breath, "That's just really pathetic."

"Okay, ARE YOU READY?" Darla's obnoxious voice screamed.

"YES!" they cried back.

"Wait, who's going to drive?" Marmaduke asked.

"It's automated!"

"Jesus, you have to be such a party pooper, Marmaduke," said Mr. Krabs dryly. "Jeez."

~~~

They were high in the sky. And Jim really was high, smoking a joint in a booth and looking out the window at the city lights of Kelp City below them.

"Hey... do you have any regular cigarettes?" Marmaduke said. Jim looked at him, a hazy look in his eyes.

"Douche," he said and looked out the window. Marmaduke was about to turn around and go away when Jim said, "Yeah, I got one." He reached into his pocket. He pulled out a matted cigarette with hair on it.

"Um... actually, no thanks."

"Your loss, dude," and Jim put it back into his pants.

~~~

Marina and Tim stood on the sky deck, which was located around the jacuzzi, rec room, and kitchen.

"It's so beautiful," he said.

"Yeah. I've never been in this kind of balloon."

"Me neither." They both laughed, although for no apparent reason.

"So um... what's it like having a twin?" asked Marina.

"Um... it's okay," Tim said and smiled. "Tom and I are friends, but we fight a lot. I guess that's just what happens, right?"

"I wish I had a twin. I'm an only child, and a bastard too."

"Mmm," nodded Tim. "Want some champagne?"

"They allow that up here?"

"Jim's smoking pot down there," and Tim smacked his foot on the wood. "Of course they have some alcohol." She smiled thinly and he left to the glass kitchen.

As Marina stood there, she saw something. And she screamed. Mr. Krabs, who had been on the other side of the sky deck talking with Tom about the origins of meat raced over and found her on the floor, backing away. Tears streamed down her eyes.

"Oh my God, Marina, are you crying?!" Mr. Krabs screamed.

"Were you raped, were you raped?!"

No reply, just tears.

"Dammit, Tom, she doesn't know what rape means!" said Eugene. He leaned in. "Marina, did somebody touch you sexually?" No reply. "Marina, would you like me to demonstrate on you what--"

Marina smacked him. "No, no! I saw a UFO!"

"Why are you crying then?" asked Tom.

"I'm not. It was so fucking bright it made my eyes water."

"Oh my GOD!"

"Oh my GOD!" Tom said.

"You said a bad word! Hi-five, Marina!"

~~~

The group crowded down below, calling Darla for support. Jim was in the back flying high, singing, "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off."

"Yup, UFOs," said Darla. "We've gotten dozens of reports bout those flying critters."

"You like POTATOES," Jim hollered.

"It wasn't a critter, DARLA," Marina said. "It was a full blown saucer."

"I LIKE POTAAAATOES."

"Whatever, lady," said Darla. "Just stay safe, cuz people have died up there."

"THEY'VE DIED?" Marina. "What the FUCK, Darla, how could've you not told us that?!"

"You like TOMATOES."

"Hey... um... I have to go," Darla said. She got a plastic bag and crinkled it.

"Um... Darla? We're Skyping... I can see you."

"OH yeah... sorry, forgot that." And then the camera went dead.

~~~

"OKAY LADIES AND BASTARDS!" Mr. Krabs said. They were all dressed in military uniforms they'd found in a closet by the jacuzzi. "WE ARE DEALING WITH A RAPIST THAT RAPED MARINA."

"Mr. Krabs---" Marina protested.

"That RAPED MARINA OF HER HUMOR." Tim and Tom laughed while Jim collapsed on the ground, smiling.

"SO... NOW WE BEGIN MISSION UN-BITCHIFY MARINA!" He grinned and Marina rolled her eyes.

"I really don't understand how you're our boss," she muttered.

Suddenly the whole room rocked back and forth.

"What's... what's... hey? Hey, what's... happening?" Jim slurred.

Marmaduke clanged onto the stage as the entire floor turned sideways. There was a nasty pop and they were freefalling.

"LIFE JACKETS EVERYONE!" Mr. Krabs screamed, holding to a post.

"WHY WOULD WE NEED LIFE JACKETS?!" Marina screamed back, also holding to a supporting column.

"WE'RE IN THE FREAKING OCEAN, MARINA!" he said sarcastically. They crashed, and the two floors exploded in wood. They were back at the base.

"HA! YOU BITCHES BELIEVED ME!" hollered the annoying voice of Darla.

"Huh?"

Darla explained that it had been a trick that they do to everybody. Marina then tried to kill her.

This episode was, um...

that70sguy92 wrote:This episode was, um...

This.

What they said.

Episode 67: Paint It Pink

Clams sang their songs. The sun rose steadily above the ocean and shone down on Bikini Bottom. On Conch Street, a fat, stupid, ignorant sea star named Patrick Star lethargically arose from a night of uninterupted slumber in his sand abode. He poured himself some orange juice and a bowl of Waffle Cereal, which Patrick had created himself. It was only cake batter, and not even pancake FLAVORED cake batter.

Patrick walked outside and sniffed the air. Someone good was cooking. He trailed the smell to a restaurant. The Krusty Krab. Inside, he found it empty.

"Hi!" he said.

A ceiling fan spun slowly overhead. A squid sat in a boat with an issue of Fish magazine in hand.

"Hey! You're my neighbor!" exclaimed Patrick. Squidward looked uninterestedly at Patrick and returned to his magazine.

"I saw you in the shower before," Patrick informed Squidward.

"What?" snorted Squidward and he recoiled. "Who ARE you?"

"Your NEIGHBOR," laughed Patrick. "Hehe. Neighbor"

"Why is that funny?" Squidward moaned as he rubbed his forehead.

"Hi, is this a restaurant?"

"Yes... isn't that why you came here?"

"Nobody's cumming in here, Squidward," Jim said, popping his head out through the window. He snickered immaturely.

"Shut up, Jim. I'm trying to deal with this pink thing," and Squidward gestured to Patrick.

"Pink thing?" Jim laughed even more.

"What? Seriously, dealing with a pink thing is hard, Jim. It's extremely hard."

He continued laughing.

"I'm not smiling. You're being stupid, Jim." Jim stopped laughing. "FINALLY. Jesus, I thought I was going to have to give you mouth to mouth or something." This time Squidward laughed.

Jim stared at him.

"Haha, that was funny," said Squidward as he wiped his eyes. "Cause we're both men. And kissing would be so WEIRD. Y'know, if you and I did that."

Jim stared at him blankly and then turned around. "Be mature Squidward, this is work."

~~~

"Okay, so what do you want?" Squidward asked Patrick.

"What do you guys have?"

The cashier pointed above him to the menu.

"Huh?" Patrick looked quizzically at Squidward.

"Um... the menu's up there." He pointed again, this time making it more obvious.

"I don't get it."

"What's there to get?! It's a freaking menu!"

"Wait, so is this a restaurant?"

"OH MY GOD." Squidward stormed to Mr. Krab's office. He opened it up and screamed as Mr. Krabs pulled his pants back up.

"SQUIDWARD! DIDN'T YOUR MAMA TEACH YOU TO KNOCK!?"

"OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!" screeched Squidward as he shielded his eyes. "MR. KRABS, THERE'S A BATHROOM JUST OVER THERE!"

"I like my privacy! And Tim doesn't do a good job of cleaning the bathrooms!"

(Flashback to Tim coming into the bathroom chewing on a banana. He takes a bite and looks lazily at the messy stalls and pee-soaked floor. He itches his butt and then finishes the banana. He drops the banana peel on the floor and rubs his hands together, as if cleaning dirt off of them and as he leaves he says, "All in a day's work.)

Squidward slammed the door shut and unshielded his eyes. He screamed; Patrick stood right next to him.

"Hey buddy," said Patrick and patted him on the back.

~~~

Marina was in the kitchen when Jim entered.

"OH, Jim! I, uh, nothing! Nothing, I was doing nothing!" she said frantically and dropped the spatula she held in her hand. It clattered to the floor.

"Um... okay?" he said and looked weirdly at her. He bent down and picked up the spatula and placed it back on the tray beside the burner. "What're you doing in here?"

"Oh, nothing. Like I said, nothing!" She laughed forcefully and smiled nervously.

Jim rested an obvious hand on his hip. "You wanna be a fry cock, don't you?"

"Huh? No, I wanna be fry cook. What's a cock?"

"Oh, nothing, dicks have been on my mind a lot lately. Anyway, yeah, I'd love to have some help back here. Things can get extremely busy, and it's tiring."

(Flashback to: Jim is sitting a chair, feet propped up on a turned-off grill. He holds a magazine and leisurely turns the page. The overhead fan suddenly turns it another page and Jim gets angry.

"I HATE MY LIFE! I'M GOING TO KILL EVERYONE!" )

"Great!" she smiled. "When do you want me to start?"

"Um... whenever you want. Will July 42 be okay?"

"July 42 doesn't exist, Jim," Marina said. "If you don't want me to work back here, it's totally fine."

"No, no, it's fine. It's just I have a lot of sexual items on my--- you know what, I'm going to go buy an erotic cake. I'll be back." And he left.

~~~

Squidward sat uncomfortably across from Mr. Krabs.

"I'm sorry bout you---"

"No, no," Squidward muttered, eyes shut and holding up a cautionary tentacle. "Just... no."

"Okay, what do you need?"

"There's a customer out here who is the DUMBEST--"

The office door slammed open and the pink fellow appeared in the doorway.

"Um... there's chocolate on the floor," said Patrick.

~~~

"So, Patrick," said Mr. Krabs, leaning back in his swivel chair. "What would you like to order?" Squidward leaned against the filing cabinet in the corner of the room behind Patrick, looking at the pink idiot distastefully.

"Well, I don't know," said Patrick. "I don't know what you guys have here."

"Well, we have all sorts of stuff. We have hamburgers, drinks--"

"Hamburgers?"

Mr. Krabs stared at him, jaw hanging. He looked at Squidward. "Dear Neptune, this is worse than I thought."

"What's a 'Neptune'?" Patrick looked curiously around the office, apparently having lost interest in finding out what a 'Neptune' was.

~~~

Marina stood proudly behind the grill when a customer appeared. Squidward could be heard from Mr. Krab's office, yelling his head off, so Marina knew he wouldn't be coming anytime soon, so she peeked her head out the window.

"Hey, welcome to The Krusty Krab!" she grinned.

"Hi," the fat man said. "Do you guys serve just grease? Me and my wife would like some."

A fat woman stepped out from behind him. Marina couldn't tell if she was pregnant or that was all gut.

"Um... that's not very healthy."

"Actually, I did my research and having a vat of grease is healthier than having a Krabby Patty," the man said.

"Oh, um... sure," Marina said, reached back into the kitchen, and was about to give the vat of grease when Mr. Krabs appeared. '

"Marina! No giving away vats of grease!" He raced back inside to his office and slammed the door shut.

"Sorry, policy changed."

As the people left, saddened, Marina remembered all of the times Mr. Krabs had 'changed policy.'

(Flashback to:

Mr. Krabs races after people leaving the parking lot with their food and says, "Policy changed. That food you bought now costs $20 instead of $10." The people reluctantly give him the cash.

A little kid places with a Krabby Kids Meal toy when Mr. Krabs takes it. "Sorry, the policy now states kids must be 5 months old to play with kiddy toys. And boy, you ain't 5 months."

Mr. Krabs takes an old man's burger and says, "Sorry, new policy says we can only serve people who aren't friends with Death." As Mr. Krabs scuttles away, the man moans, "But I'm only 32!"

)

~~~

Patrick left the restaurant after being shoved out the front window by Squidward. Jim reentered the restaurant and Patrick wandered away.

"Who was that guy?" he asked.

"The reason Bikini Bottom is the worst place ever," grunted Squidward.