An Old One-Shot

Chapter 1: Hostage Situation


“We need back-up quick! These bastards are holding everyone in that mall hostage!” Shane yelled out into his communicator. “Alright Walker, are you ready to take action?!”

“You sure about this Shane?! I mean, there must be about four of those @$$holes in there!” Walker yelled out to Shane with a bit of fear in his voice.

“Those pricks won’t make it here in time, and I don’t plan on letting those people die! Move out!”

Shane proceeded to stealthily head towards the mall’s main doors with Walker a few feet behind him. Sounds of gunshots can be heard from the inside. Shane knows that they are doing it to scare him and Walker away, but he still proceeded until he reached the glass doors that leads inside. Walker proceeded behind Shane.

“When I kick through, we charge in, but stay on your toes.” Shane said to Walker.

“Yes sir!”

Shane waited a few moments before finally getting up to kick the doors in. The doors broke the doors in as glass fell onto the floor. They stormed inside, and immediately took cover behind the pillars. Gunshots were becoming louder and louder as if they were getting closer. Shane and Walker awaited firmly behind their protective pillars, until three gunmen came out armed with 9mm pistols. They are wearing ski masks over their heads. They were wearing all black. Black shirts, black cargo pants, black boots, and black gloves. They have notice the glass doors shattered into pieces.

“There’s cops in here! Scout the place out!” said one of the gunmen

They split up around the mall, searching for Shane and Walker. Shane and Walker are crawling across the floor of the mall, trying not to be spotted by the shooters who are looking behind the benches and chairs. They hide behind a few racks full of clothes.

“I told you this was a stupid idea.” whispered Walker. “Now, you’re gonna get us both killed. We should just waited for back-up to arrive.

“Do me a favor, and shut up. We’re gonna die if we don’t pull this off right. I’ve let too many people die before, and I don’t plan on doing that now.” replied Shane.

“Well, how are we gonna do this genius? We’re already getting cornered and we haven’t found the hostages yet.”

“Simple. Just do what I do.” Shane replied. Suddenly, Shane sprung up with his pistol in hand and aimed it at the gunmen. Who have yet to notice. “Put your hands up where I can em’!” The gunmen looked back at North still armed with their 9mm‘s. “Get up Walker!” North said to the young cop. Walker sprung up as well aiming his pistol at the shooters.

“This is crazy man.” Walker said. The gunmen dropped their weapons on the ground and got on their knees with their hands on their heads. “Wow that was easy.”

“Walker, get the hostages. I’ll deal with these three.” Shane ordered Walker, which he complied. Walker headed down the aisles to the storage area where the hostages were said to be held up at.

Back in the store, Shane was searching the gunmen to see if they had anymore weapons in tow. “You guys seem to be clean. Now, get on the ground!” The gunmen complied to his order. Shane took out his handcuffs and started to cuff one of the gunmen. One of the shooters got back up on their knees. “What the hell do you think you’re doin’?! Get back on the ground!” The gunman slugged North in the face with a mighty right hook, which caused North to topple on the ground. The gunman then proceeded to help the other one up, except for the handcuffed one.

“You are a disgrace to our organization. I’m sorry, but you must die.” The gunman then picked up his 9mm and blasted the fallen gunman multiple times before focusing on North himself. “This will be the last time you’ll ever be in our business.” The gunman takes aim at Shane.

“So, you’re apart of the “organization” that has been around the city for quite some time now. You guys make me sick.”

“What can I say Officer? We’re just doing business.” The gunman then lowered his gun to Shane’s head. Shane stared directly at the gun which was placed on his forehead. He then proceeded to place each of his hands behind his back. He used this time to grab hold of his pistol in his back pants pocket. “Any last requests?” asked the gunman.

“Just one.” Shane took a deep breath. “Hiyaaaaa!” Shane knocked the gun off his head, and decked the gunman in the gut with a right hook. Gunman clutched his abdomen and fell to the ground. The other gunman brandished his 9mm, only to get it twisted out of his hand by North. North took out his pistol as well the gunman’s 9mm and gunned him down. He turned back to see the leader of the gunmen still on the ground clutching his stomach. North took aim at him point blank.

“I-I wouldn’t do t-that if I-I were you. Especially if you want to save your friend a-and those hostages.”

“What do you mean?!” asked an infuriated Shane.

“I-I mean that me and my b-boys had this place rigged to blow. We placed Satchel Charges all over this place including where your friend and those @$$holes are at.”

“Tell me you prick! Or else lights out!”

“D-Do what you must Officer. It won’t affect our plan one bit.”

“Who’re you working for?!” Shane gets closer. “Answer me you son of a b*tch!”

“Wouldn’t you like to know.” the gunman said cockily. “My apologies but this place is set to blow in:” The gunman pulls out the detonation button “NOW!!!” He attempted to press the button, but Shane manages to kick it out of his hands in time. Shane charges for it, but is pulled down by the gunman. The gunman pounces on top of Shane. Shane lets lose of his weapons and tries to fight off the gunman. The gunman lays blow after blow onto Shane. Shane gets some punches in, but doesn’t seem to take effect. The gunman reaches for the switch, but Shane grabs hold of his arm, and manages to topple himself over the gunman.

“Now it’s time for you to die!” Shane then delivers vicious blows to gunman’s skull, literally crushing it under his fists. The blood then starts to splatter onto him, and finally Shane stops. “Don’t bother getting up.” Shane then lays another punch to crushed skull of the gunman.

Walker has just made it to the storage room. He attempts to open the door, but finds it locked. “Darn thing! Come on, come on!” He then brandishes out his pistol and opens fire at the door knob. He kicks it down with great strength, and charges inside. He finds the hostages all tied up together. “Don’t worry. I’m gonna get you out of here!” Walker then tries to untie them, starting with a Hispanic looking man. Walker seemed to have noticed something about the man. Like he’s seen him before. “Wait a sec. You’re Hector Martinez, of the Hispanic Hoodlumz.” He takes a look at the other hostages to see and otice that they are all leaders of their respective gangs in the city. “You’re Alfonso Giovanni of the Giovanni Mafia Family. You’re Satoshi Shizimi of the local local Triads. God, am I gonna be promoted after this one.”

Back in the store, Shane picks up the device and starts to head to the storage room. Unbeknownst to him, a sniper has just caught his eye on North. He aims his rifle, and carfully scopes him out. The red pointer light however lands ontop Shane, who notices it and looks up at where it’s coming from. He sees the Sniper on the second floor.

“Oh $hit!” He rolls out of the way just in time as the bullet just missed him. North starts charging towards the stairs with his pistol in hand as well as the detonation device. The Sniper shoots, but every shot misees and Shane heads up the stairs. He starts shooting back at the Sniper along the way, but to no avail. The sniper starts to make a run for it just when Shane reaches the second floor. The Sniper dropped the rifle along the way, but North just kept shooting at him with the 9mm. The Sniper took a right turn into the kitchen department of the store. North approached with caution, still armed with his 9mm. After taking a few steps forward a few boxes with toasters in it falls on top of him, thus making his lose grip of the 9mm pistol and the detonation device. The Sniper appears from behind the shelf, and picks up both the 9mm and the detonation device.

“Looks like you’re time’s up Officer.” He lowers the pistol, and only shoots at North’s right leg five times before stopping. “You wouldn’t want to miss this.” He then throws the pistol aside, and head towards the store’s exit. “I’m gonna end this all with a big bang.”

Walker has the gang leaders at gunpoint. He is talking into his communicator. “I have the “hostages.” Send in back-up right away, over!” He puts it away and focuses back at the leaders. “Boy am I gonna get a huge raise for this. Not only that, maybe even a promotion! You all should be lucky I won’t kill you all here and now.”

Shane is still down on the floor, unable to get up and walk due to the damage to his right leg. “Say bye-bye to your friend, and almost every gang in the city.” He holds up the device and presses the button. A huge explosion is heard all around the mall with fire engulfing it all.

“Walker!” Shane yelled out in sadness and anger. The Sniper makes his way to the window.

“I’ve enjoyed our time here, and hopefully, we’ll meet again.”

“I’ll f*ckin’ kill you, you son of a b*tch!” Shane replied in fury. He attempts to get up, but falls back down.

“Yeah, good luck with that.” The Sniper heads towards a window, and breaks it open. “Ta Ta for now.” the sound of a helicopter engulfs the area and the Sniper climbs up a rope ladder. The helicopter hovers up and takes flight heading West to downtown.

Shane grabs hold of a piece of wood that blasted out from the explosion and gets himself onto his feet. He staggers away to the stairs. He attempts to head down it, but the wood slips and he plummets down the stairs. Outside the mall, back-up finally arrives and the SWAT teams enters the mall. They search around to find any survivors. One of them noticed North on the ground and heads to his aid.

“Guys, I found one! Get the ambulance here quick!” ordered the SWAT agent.

The ambulance arrives and they take Shane up on the stretcher and into the cruiser.

“He’s not breathing! We need to get him to the hospital quick!!!”

The driver sped off down the road and was headed towards the nearest medical facility.

This chapter takes place between 11:27 a.m. to 12:00 p.m.

Population: Jack Sh*t!

September 19; 11:27 a.m.

We meet our hero taking a ride in a helicopter, taking shots of the scenery faster than a papparazzi on the prowl for Britney Spears' next trip to a Starbucks. His pilot, named Ed, who will leave Fred's ass to die at the hands of zombies, cultists and special ops forces says, "Say buddy. You mentioned something about research for a story."

"That's right. I got a tip that something big is happening. Even if that something causes to me to deal with the undead, guys in rain coats, special ops unit who will do anything in their to power to gun me down and strip me of my clothes for their little reindeer games."

Ah cruel irony.

"In a nowhere little town like that? They sure didn' mentioned anything about it on TV."

Fred took offense to this and said, "Well I'm freelance, pal. TV's are for morons who don't have actual lives."

"Like you?" said Ed.

"Exactly. I use every resource possible to get the mosy obscure, unknown and potentially dangerous situation for a scoop."

"Haha. Look's like you'll sell your soul for a scoop."

"Who says I haven't." Ed would've burst out laughing if he hadn't seen the serious look in Fred's face. To think Ed would've figure something wasn't quite right with Fred. I mean, who would volunteer to investigate a mall infested with zombies, seriously?

"Here she is! Williamette, Colorado. Population: 53,594. Distiinguishing characteristics, jack **** Hahahahaha! About the only thing to do in this town is kill time at the shopping mall. Which is kinda weird since I've never been here before."

Fred uses his camera to zoom on a couple of soldiers by a barricade. "What was that the army?" asked a very curious and clueless Ed.

"No, it was your mom." Fred said sarcastically.

"Really?" Ed asked gullibly.

"Yeah, she's down there carrying a gun because of what I did to her last night. It only took me two cocks for her to blow."

"Really?"

"Looks like taking a helicopter was the best way to go. I bet they've got all the roads blocked off by now." Frank said observantly.

"Really?" Ed asked.

"Yes, really! It only makes sense if they did."

Well lets stop the story right here for a sec. Wouldn't this be a sign of something bad happening? Wouldn't you take a hint and turn back right now! Well, back tp the story.

"Alright, listen. I want to get shots of the whole town before the National Guard finishes roping it off. Take me over the main street."

The helicopter flies over a person who is fighting for his life on top of a car defending himself from the zombies. Fred thought now would be a good time to get some DRAMATIC shots, so instead of trying to save the guy, he just flew a few distances away and started snapping some pics.

"Whoa, is that some sort of riot?" Ed asked rather idiotically.

The zombies soon become too much for the man to handle and started feasting on him.

"Is this what you came to take pictures of?" Fred just got some major BRUTALITY PP's from his pics and nods in approval.

"I have no idea, but one thing's for sure. Whatever's going on down there...it's not business as usual in this town" Fred clutched his camera tightly. This was defintely the scoop of the century for him. The money comes to mind and he starts to picture himself bathing in his own money. Wow, this guy is a selfish bastard.

"Whoa!" Ed cried out as the zombies numbers started to rise the more they enter town. To think he would've said that when we first seen that guy being eaten on top his car.

A gas station suddenly exploded in a fiery inferno. Being the death-loving guy he is, Fred was quick to get some more BUTALITY pics to continue gaining PP.

"Ugh holy **** did you see that?!"

"No **** Captain Obvious. That blast was right in front of my badly molded 3D-face."

"I'm gonna take her up for a second." Ed said very freakish-out like.

"No take us down! We have to reach that building so I can take some shots of other people's agonizing deaths while I do nothing to help out in the least."

Who can argue with a reason like that? So, Captain Obvious did the obvious and asked, "Where?"

"Right below us. You know downwards." Fred had the urge to say something bad towards Ed, but he refrained himself from doing so.

They soon come across a woman who has been cornered on top of a building by a gang of zombies. She starts shooting at them like crazy, but we all know how bad woman's aiming are. She runs out of bullets and throws her gun at one of the surrounding zombies.

"Should we help her?" Ed asked.

"No way this will get me plenty of DRAMATIC and BRUTALITY pics." Frank started to snap away. One of the zombies rams into the woman and they both go plmmuting to their deaths. That pic was over a hundred PP. After all these pics he's took, to think he'd level up by now.

"I want to see the center of town." Frank commanded like a little girl demanding to get some cotton candy. It seems this violence wasn't enough to satisfy Fred's sick hunger. He wanted a piece of the action for once. "Take me there."

"Roger."

"It's Fred."

"Really? I thought it was Frank."

Fred was taking photos like a papparazzi snapping some Britney Spears pics. It appears he has finally gone up one level. He spots the mall up ahead. "Hey, can you take me to that mall?"

"Why on earth would I do that?!"

"Because just imagine the BRUTALITY and HORROR lies inside that mall. I can imagine myself fighting off a clown, a dad and his two sons, an obese lesbian cop, three escaped convicts, a cult leader, an immigrant and most importantly......... an asian butcher."

"You say the darndest things." Ed inquired.

"Alright, listen. Don't forget to come back for me."

"Do you think I'm gay or something?"

"No, I just want you to come back fro me."

"Well, you only paid for a heli tour for this one day, so no."

"Man, you're such an **** Fred fired back.

"As long as you ain't dead, Frank."

"I told you. It's Fred. Fred Diggerson, remember it, cause soon the entire world is gonna remember it in a couple of days."

"I'm sorry what was that?"

A military chopper suddenly intercepts Fred's copter. Ed tries to get out of the way, but it causes Fred's briefcase to fly out of the copter and to the zombies down below.

"No, my playgirl magazines!" Fred shouted out.

Ed looked on very WTF-ish.

"I mean, my weapons..."

Ed focused back towards the sky. "Get us back to that rooftop!"

"I know I'm gonna get my flawless butt chewed out for this one, which kinda spoils what might happen to me at the end of this entire parody." The helicopter descends and Fred jumps. Now he thinks he's James Bond. What's next, Fred? Megaman?!

"WOOOO!!!" Fred shouted as he lands flat on his face and is instantly silenced from the fall. I guess this explains his weird looking nose. He gets up to his feet and sees a Hispanic looking man leaning against a wall by the door. Fred paces towards him only to.......end the chapter.

Its a Sluggiful Life: Part 1


The scene opens to Slugg on the computer posting yet another depressing journal on the refuge. It's about how he supposedly kissed a girl and how he liked it.

Slugg: *gets up from chair and starts dancing* I kissed a girl and I like-ed it!!! *notices somebody actually posted a response to his journal* Somebody actually responded!! *goes to check who posted*

Ramens: Who? Your mom?

Slugg: *breaks down crying* They all hate me!!! Perhaps there's somebody in the chatroom I can talk to.

Slugg heads to the chatroom. The chatroom is pretty active for once

Slugg:

Everybody: *ignores Slugg*

Slugg: Well since nobody will say hi to me, I guess I'll leave and go kill myself now.

Everybody: *Not caring*

The scene switches to a bar

Slugg:

Drunks:

Cowboy Bartender: What will it be, partner?

Slugg: *sighs* The usual.

Cowboy Bartender: One glass of milk, coming up!

Slugg: *to the drunk cowboy next to him*

Drunk Cowboy: Wave that hand to me again, son, and I'll throw a harpoon through it.

Slugg:

Cowboy Bartender: Here ya go, partner. One glass of freshly-squeezed Texan milk.

Slugg: *Starts chugging it down*

Cowboy Bartender: From my wife's titties.

Slugg:

Slugg notices a girl giving a guy a blowjob out of the corner of his eye. he gets up very drunk-ish from his seat and goes up to them.

Slugg: Hi, I'm Slugg. Will you have sex with me?

Girl: *In the middle of blowjob*

Cowboy getting a blowjob:

Slugg:

The scene switches to Slugg standing off the edge of a bridge, with a glass of milk in his hand, as he looks down at the abyss below.

Slugg: I'm gonna do eet! After months of being ignored, i'm finally gonna do eet! You damn cops can't stop me now!!! *looks back behind him to see that no cop is there to stop him* motherfuckers!! *goes to jump*

Voice: Wait!! Don't do jump!

Slugg: who that be?!

A very old man walks up to Slugg and grabs his hand, pulling him off the edge and onto solid ground

Voice: You don't recognize me?

Slugg: A-Are you...D-P-1??

Voice: No, Slugg. I'm you. From the future.

Slugg: What?? you can't be me cause I'm right here!!

Voice: I said I'm you from the future. 45 years to be exact.

Slugg: Wait. if i'm me and you're me. then who is D-P-1??

Slugg 45 years from now: The 7th communist dictator of Cuba.

Slugg: how'd i know youre really me??

Slugg 45 years from now: We think everybody hates us because they ignore us.

Slugg: what color underwear am i wearing??

Slugg 45 years from now: Trick question. You're wearing Care Bear underwear.

Slugg: How'd you know??

Slugg 45 years from now: I'm still wearing them til this very day. *pulls down pants*

Slugg: even if you are me, why you here??

Slugg 45 years from now: I'm here to show you how life would be like if you were not to die.

Slugg: Ragglefraggle!! everybody hates me! i know it! Even my parents!

Slugg 45 years from now: Come on, our parents never ignored us.


1997
Slugg's mom: Honey, be sure to pick our son from school today.

Slugg's dad: We have a son?!

Slugg's mom: I know. I just found out this morning too.

1996
Slugg's mom: Come on, try this costume on. *takes out tooth fairy costume*

1996 Slugg: For the third year in a row, I'm a boy!!


Slugg 45 years from now: Guess I was wrong, but still, the future will be nothing without you.

Slugg: How do you plan on showing me this future??

Slugg 45 years from now: Simple. I need you to feel my cane.

Slugg: *grabs cane*

Slugg 45 years from now: Now tug it.

Slugg: *tugs*

Slugg 45 years from now: *farts* Haha! I still got some left in me!

Slugg:

Slugg 45 years from now: To the Slugg-A-Loreon!!

they both get into a 2006 Scion XB

Slugg 45 years from now: ENGAGE!!

they speed into the future

Its a Sluggiful Like: Part 2


The scene opens to Slugg and Slugg 45 years from now in the Slugg-A-Loreon driving through the streets of New York listening to "Slow Ride" by Foghat. Slugg tries to take in the sights, but notices hardly anything changed. They drive by the Empire State Building where they see it is surrounded by cop cars and army vehicles. A helicopter hovers above, shining a light down on a person threatening to jump.

Slugg 45 years from now: Looks like TS escaped again.

Slugg: TS? TooSmooth?

Slugg 45 years from now: You can bet your liver it's him! You really shouldn't though. Lost mine in a game of bingo.

Cop 1: Mr. Smooth! We order you to stop what you're doing right now in the name of the law!

TS 45 years from now: Do you really think you can stop a Super Saiyan! Have you forgotten I can do this?! KAAAAAAAMEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAMEEEEEEEEE........HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! *nothing happens*

Slugg: Sure, when he threatens to jump off a building, they send in the army but when I threaten to jump off a bridge I get jack sh-

TS 45 years from now: Darn it! I used up too much of my ki trying to break out of the joint. Looks like I have to call upon the energy of the Earth. Alright, people of the Earth and all who inhabits it! *raises hands up to the sky* GIVE ME YOUR ENERGY!!

Cop 2: He has his hands in the air, sir! I think he's giving up.

Cop 1: Good, now let's get him down.

TS 45 years from now: Yes, I can feel the energy flowing through me already. Now prepare to feel the wrath of a Saiyan! *throws hand down but nothing happens*

Cop 2: He threw his hands down, sir!

Cop 1: Shoot him down!

Flurry of bullets are fired, all of them missing

TS 45 years from now: Wait, how can i be so tupid? I can fly! Planet Namek here I come! *runs off the building with hands out in front of him but quickly starts to plummet down* NIMBUS!!! *nothing happens*

SPLAT

Slugg & Slugg 45 years from now: Bitch had it coming. *drives off*

Slugg: What was that all about anyway?

Slugg 45 years from now: That was the Empire State Penitentary. Tallest whack house in the world next to the Eiffel Tower Mental Institution.

Slugg: The future just keeps getting better and better.

They pull up in front of a old-looking house in Queens

Slugg: This is my house in the future??

Slugg 45 years from now: OUR house.

Slugg: What does that mean.

Slugg 45 years from now: You'll see.

In the house

Slugg: *steps on a cockroach and jumps up* EEK!!

Slugg 45 years from now: Don't be such a big baby. *sees someone sitting in front of the tv* Oh my lumbagel!!

Lady: For the last time Slugg! I live here!

Slugg: Who's that?

Slugg 45 years from now: Isabel. And the years have not been kind.

Isabel 45 years from now: Who you talkin to?!

Slugg 45 years from now: Myself.....literally speaking.

Isabel 45 years from now: You senile old fart! Senile is what you are! Talking to imaginaries and telling me to cook your dinner! Well, you're not my husband! At least my husband has a real set of balls and not implants!

Slugg 45 years from now: Forgot to tell you. Nobody else is able to see or hear you besides me.

Slugg: What??

Slugg 45 years from now: It is how it is, sonny.

Isabel 45 years from now: *Slaps Slugg* Ay, shut yer mouth, you texan prick!

A man wearing nothing but a jacket and underwear walks through the door holding a stop sign in his hand like a cane

Isabel 45 years now: Honey, you're home!! where the hell have you been you furry prick?!

Slugg: Who's that??

Slugg 45 years from now: That's Sharp.

Sharp 45 years from now: Sharp? I've abandoned that name long ago. My name is now......Plays With Squirrels.

Isabel 45 years from now: *starts breast feeding three kids at the same time* You left me here with these brats all day and that's all you got to say! What typa man are ya?!

Plays With Squirrels: I am a man who has become one with nature. I know nothing but zen and peace. I-

Isabel 45 years from now: You know nothin is right! *baby pops from vajay* Honey, you were right! I was pregnant!

Slugg:

Isabel 45 years from now: You damn prick! I'll cut your cock off for doing this to me! *throws chair at Plays With Squirrels but he ducks and it hits Slugg*

Slugg: if they can't hear or see me, how can that happen?!

Slugg 45 years from now: Its how it is you darn whippersnapper!

Isabel 45 years from now: *chasing Plays With Your Squirrels* get back here you cockless bastard!!

Slugg 45 years from now: If you think this is bad. You don't want to know what happened to Pablo (me) and loli.

Slugg: They're going out??

Slugg 45 years from now: Worse.


Pablo 45 years from now: *cums out of refridgerator smoking a blunt* Did North Korea bomb us yet?

loli 45 years from now: For the 699th time NO!!

Pablo 45 years from now: I'm goin back in.


Slugg 45 years from now: Sr. Sexy and Speech


Sr. Sexy 45 years from now: Honeeeey, I'm home!

Speech 45 years from now: How was work, honey bunch?

Sr. Sexy 45 years from now: Extra keen, sweetie pie!

Speech 45 years from now: Who's this Caraen, butter biscuits?

Sr. Sexy 45 years from now: Caraen? She's my co-worker at work. Why do you ask, sweet cheeks?

Speech 45 years from now: She called earlier today. She aksed if you still had her underwear-

Sr. Sexy 45 years from now: That's nonsense, I-

Speech 45 years from now: On...she asked if you still had her underwear on.

Sr. Sexy 45 years from now:


Slugg 45 years from now: Don't get me started on Vxiel and Carm.


Carmel 45 years from now: Coming to bed, honey?

Vxiel 45 years from now: Yes, dear.


Slugg 45 years from now: They never had sex in 50 years.

Its a Sluggiful Life: Part Tres


Slugg: How's everybody else doing 45 years from now .....then??

Slugg 45 years from now: I'm just gonna let the rest of the skits play out themselves. A man my age needs his rest you know! Wake me up when it's over.

Slugg: Wait I-

Slugg 45 years from now: *iz sleeping*

Slugg: Great, ignored by myself. Where's a blade when I need one.

[i]The scene cuts to Chaos 45 years from now getting dressed in his bedroom. a girl is waiting in bed wearing lingerie

Elysium 45 years from now: Cuming to bed, baby??

Chaos 45 years from now: Not right now. I'm burned out from work today.

Elysium 45 years from now: You know, its been a long time since we wrote "poetry" together. The pen is mightier than the sword.

Chaos 45 years from now: Some other time, Ely.

Elysium 45 years from now: We haven't had sex in over a year Chaos, sometimes I wonder if you even have penis sometimes.

Voice: Freeze frame right there, nukka!

Chaos 45 years from now: What on Earth was that?

Voice: Bitch please. All I see here is a mother clucker keeping his wang to himself!

Chaos 45 years from now: Who are you?! How did you get into my huse, let alone, my bedroom?!

Voice: Irrelevant questions that need no answer. You, my friend, are the problem that needs to be solved.

Chaos 45 years from now: Wait a sec, I remember you somewhere. Blaster?? Blaster the Dreadlocked Lyricist??

Blaster 45 years from now: You have known me by many names. Blaster the Dreadlocked Lyricist, Blaster the Dreadlocked Militant, and Blaster the Dreadlocked Serial Rapist, but now I have a whole new profession in life. I abandoned my life in the streets for a job that hits very close to home, if you do get what I'm trying to say.

Chaos 45 years from now: I have absolutely no clue as to what you are talking about.

Blaster 45 years from now: Don't you be spitting that jive at me, nukka! I have half a mind to bitch slap you where you stand right now.

Chaos 45 years from now: Well I- *iz bitchslapped*

Blaster 45 years from now: Eh pigeon, are you listenin to what I'm spittin?! Achoo!! I spit on you! If you can't dig that, then fuck you!

Chaos 45 years from now: That last part didn't rhyme. *iz bitchslapped*

Blaster 45 years from now: Thank you. Now, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted. I now have a new profession. I am now A Pimp With Dreadlocks. :

Chaos 45 years from now: Well, Blaster I-

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: Uhuhuhuhuh. It's I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks.

Chaos 45 years from now: Well, Mr. Pimp With-

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks! I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks!! Say it with me now! I'm. A. Pimp. With. Dreadlocks.

Chaos 45 years from now: I'm. A. Pimp. With- Aw!! What am I doing?! This is preposterous! I suggest you kindly make your way out of my house right now.

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: Or what, bitch?!

Chaos 45 years from now: I'll call the cops and they'll make you leave. *iz back handed* Aw bugger!

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: This is much worse than I thought.

Chaos 45 years from now: What is, exactly?

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: You, you have a much worse case than I thought.

Chaos 45 years from now: A case of what??

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: You have, what I'd like to call, 'bitch dependency'.

Chaos 45 years from now: And what is that supposed to mean?

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: Statistically speaking, you feel inferior to your woman.

Chaos 45 years from now: Oh you must be joking.

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: I kid you not. When it comes to cases like these, it is never a laughing matter. Your case is much more severe than any regular bitch dependency case that I have been assigned to. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you have 'Super Bitch Dependency" emphasis on the bitch.

Chaos 45 years from now: Now that is total nonsense, and I refuse to listen to any of this garbage any longer!

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: Now, now. Only 1 out of every 69 men have been reported to be suffering from SBD. It is quite simple to treat, but it will certainly take some time and the expenses will be very hefty-

Chaos 45 years from now: I'm paying you?! For what?!

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: To have your SBD treated, I just mentioned it above.

Chaos 45 years from now: This is absolutely ridiculous.

I'm A Pimp With Deadlocks: We must make haste! To the Pimp Mobile!

Chaos 45 years from now: I refuse to go with you!

Chaos and I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks are riding in the back of an ice truck.

Chaos 45 years from now: Some 'pimp mobile' this is.

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: Bitch please, in this day and time, pimping has reached an all-time low. Do you know how much pimps die a year?

Chaos 45 years from now: I have absolutely no idea.

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: 11. We pimps have tried to make our businesses more family-friendly. Ya'mean?? Do you know how many fathers have bought ice cream for their kids and the services of one of my ho's?

Chaos 45 years from now: No.

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: Approximately 969. Business for me has been taking a turn for the better. I can only hope to imagine other pimps adopting my style of business. We have to keep this industry, nukka! Ya'mean?

Chaos 45 years from now: Whatever you say.

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: This is it! We're here! Now, give me a second to put on my pimp hat, grab my pimp cane....let's roll, bitch.

The scene cuts inside of a strip club

Chaos 45 years from now: Why am I not surprised?

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: This here is what I like to call, 'Purgatory'. Because if you make love in here, you'll feel like you're in Heaven! Ya'mean?!

Chaos 45 years from now: Heaven Nathious?

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: Exactly. This here is the Hellevator.

Chaos 45 years from now: Why is that?

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: It only goes down.

They go down the elevator

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: This here be the Pimp Cave; home to every pimp known to man. Do you know how many pimps there are in this day and age?

Chaos 45 years from now: No.

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: 52. Sad, I know.

Chaos 45 years from now: So how do plan on 'curing' my SBD??

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: This bitch right here of course.

They walk up to an Amazon-looking muscular woman.

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: Nukka, meet my personal bottom bitch, 'Mangina'.

Chaos 45 years from now: Wait a second. Princess?? Princess Inaphit?? It's me Chaos Pyro!

Mangina: Chaos? Good to see you again!

Chaos 45 years now: Yeah, likewise! You..uh...look like you're in....top physical shape.

Mangina: Yeah, well, I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks likes girls with big vajays- *iz back handed*

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: Don't you dare ever address a bitch by name! Its a sure fire way to lose your authoritah!

Chaos 45 years from now: You're just plain crazy!

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: *meditates*

Chaos 45 years from now:

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: HIYA!! *bitchslaps Chaos* Now, prove your authoritah over that bitch. Make the bitch scream your name!

Chaos 45 years from now: Look, uh...you better get down and-

Mangina: *punches Chaos to the floor*

Chaos 45 years from now: What was that for?! She just slugged me!

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: You dare acknowledge the bitch as a she?! Nukka, bitches are neither a he, she, or even an it! The bitch is threatening your authoritah! You best watch the master to see how it gets done. Bitch, get your fat ass over here!

Mangina: Yes, sugar daddy. *walks over to I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks*

I'm a Pimp With Dreadlocks: Let us pray the Pimp's Prayer. Lord, please pray for the soul of this bitch and guide my pimp hand and make it strong, Lord, so that she might learn a ho's place. Amen. HIYA!! *slaps Mangina to the ground* That's how shit gets done around here. Your turn, bitch.

Chaos 45 years from now: You shou- *is jumped by Mangina*

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: Prove your authoritah! Make the bitch scream your name!

Chaos 45 years from now: I-ow! Don't think-ah! oww!!! This is working-AAAAHH!! SHE'S BITING MY NIPPLE!!!

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: This is gonna be a looooooooooooooong night.

Chaos is shown in bed with Mangina

Chaos 45 years from now: What exactly am I supposed to do again?

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: We've been through this 7 times. Prove your authoriath over a bitch in bed, you can prove it anywhere. Now, just like I told you. You have two minutes. Go!

Chaos 45 years from now: I don't think that's going to be enough time-

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: 1 minute 55 seconds.

Chaos and Mangina starts doing their thing in bed.

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: Rule #95, son! FOCUS!! *looks on with pride* Rule #96!! AIM!!!!

After about 26 hours of treatment, Chaos has proven himself to be cured of his SBD.

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: It took some time, but I think you have finally shed that skin of your former, bitchy self, yes?

Chaos 45 years from now: But I don't feel much different.

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: You'll notice a significant difference when you're home in bed tonight.

The scene cuts to Chaos in bed with Elysium

Chaos 45 years from now: SAY MY NAME, BITCH!!! SAY MY NAME!!!!

Elysium 45 years from now: *orgasms* CHAOS!!! OOOOOOHHHH CHAOOOOOOOOS!!

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: QUOTE PYRAMID RULEZ GAIZ!!

Chaos 45 years from now: What the hell does that mean, bitch?!

I'm A Pimp With Dreadlocks: Keep it short and sweet, nukka! Short and sweet!!


Slugg: Who writes this stuff??

It's A Sluggiful Life: Part 4


The scene opens up to a shot of Slugg watching some futuristic television. Slugg 45 years from now is still sleeping and Isabel 45 years from now is still chasing Plays With Squirrels as she breast feeds her babies

Slugg: I wonder what they show in the future.

a paid program shows up

Mark 45 years from now: *iz fat and tries to do some Tae Bo, but breaks his leg right he does a low kick* Aw! A can of corn! A can of corn and I'll be fine! A can of corn!

Kiki 45 years from now: Please sweetie, please! That just won't do! Do you even know how much fat is in that burger you're eating?!

Mark 45 years from now: *iz eating a fillet-o-fish* Naw.

Kiki 45 years from now: Like bunches! Do you know what that will lead to?!

Mark 45 years from now: *finishing 5th Big Mac* No, what?

Kiki 45 years from now: HIV Positive!

Mark 45 years from now: *falls forward on stomach, but bounces right back up* Rully?!

Kiki 45 years from now: Oh, I am just about HIV Positive! Did you know that cows like totally have sex with each other like twice a day?! And when those cows are grinded up into that burger you're eating, they carry along the AIDS virus! Ooooh, icky wicky!!

Mark 45 years from now: What do you suggest people like me to do?

Kiki 45 years from now: I need all you fluffies to like totally order my brand new video set, "Inside of You with Kiki Kizazz"! In it, I talk about all the potential dangers that lie in the food you eat. It also cums with my exclusive super special secret workout regimen, guaranteed to make you look Fairy-fied fast! Workouts include my patented "Knocker Upper", "Titty Twister", and the immensely popular, "Balls of Steel"! These along with my food facts and diet program are a guarentee to a longer, thriving life! And, if you call right now. You'll get this exclusive poster of me, Kiki, for just half the price at the door! That's right, this is a five dollar offer for just $19.99 sweeties!! So stop having to lose weight under a boring knife and stop having a boring life! Start to live fabulously like me, Kiki! Here's how to like totally order right now!!

Hydra 45 years from now: To order "Inside of You with Kiki Kizazz" just call this toll free number at 1-800-6969-6969. This is just a five dollar offer for just $19.99. And, if you call in the next ten minutes, you will receive a Kiki Kizazz poster half-price at the door. You are advised to consult with your doctor before buying "Inside of You with Kiki Kizazz". Side effects include; Depression, Thoughts of Suicide, and Genital Herpes. People with heart problems are advised not to stare directly at the Kiki Kizazz poster. The same applies for people with no heart problems.(cookies for reference) Just call 1-800-6969-6969 right now to order! No shipping and handling included!

Kiki 45 years from now: *doing jumping jacks* AND START LIVING FOR TODAY!!!

The channel changes to Entertainment Tonight

Angel 45 years from now: Good evening and thank you for tuning into Entertainment Tonight! Let's get straight to our top stories for tonight! Former go-go dancer turned Playmate of the Year, Emo Haruno will once again grace the covers of Playboy Magazine for the special Christmas Edition! This coming after she legitimately popped one of her breast implants live during her performance on 'Dancing With The Stars'. In other Emo news, her new autobiography, "I'm Not Emo, It's Just My Name" has quickly took the top of the New York Times Best Sellers' List. Emo's new movie, co-starring alongside former teenage heartthrob, Hannah Montana, "Hurt My Body", is scheduled to be released next spring.

Current Detroit Lions' starting Quarterback and Linebacker, Ravelli King, is scheduled to appear in court on Monday after charges were put on him for allgedly buying, taking, and selling bullshark testosterone. Ravelli has lead the Lions to their first ever undefeated season. When asked to give comments on the charges this is what Ravelli had to say, and it might be deemed too graphic for the younger members of our audience *cough*Yogi*cough*

Ravel 45 years from now: Look assholes, listen!! Its not juice! ITS JUST A PROTEIN SHAKE!!! y'know what I'm sayin?! And don't you be spreading some bullshit like I got small balls and-

Angel 45 years from now: Which brings us to our Question of the Day. Do you think Ravelli King has small balls. Just text us and we'll show results at the end of the show.

Real-life Slumdog Millionaire, Yogi Tulsii, creator of the cell phone that can save lives, has a sex tape leaked out, allegedly of him crying his way through sex. The one hour and 49 minute video shows nothing but Tulsii trying to get into the right position as he cries at the same time. This coming after he's been faced with a lawsuit after three men reportedly made prank calls through his life-saving cellphone, causing the deaths of many.....on the inside. Which brings us to our next Question of the Day. Do you think that Yogi Tulsii would cry his way through sex? Answers to be revealed at the end of the show.

In Other news, Maddo von Kos II Esquire has been brought back to the US after charges were made against him for allegedly raping kids across the world through his Super Adventure Club, which currently holds 987 members, all reported to be registered sex offenders. von Kos, the son of Maddo von Kos I Esquire took over the club after his father's untimely death in a train accident. von Kos claims that his father had found the answer to eternal life, and that his father found that a special pheromone found in the bodies of children, once transmitted through sexual intercourse, can make one immortal. Maddo von Kos I was 52 at the time of his death when he really should've been 84. If convicted, Maddo von Kos II will likely face being stoned to death by village natives in South Africa.(moar cookies for reference)

In music news, Pop sensation, Heaven Nathious is expected to perform live on the Yuna Pimphrey show. Its also being reported that he is currently planning a tour of concerts with Hip-Hop sensation, Spacerac. The two will also collaborate on a CD together with Old Lady Gaga expected to be released for the Holiday Season.

Now for the answers to our questions of the day. Do you think Ravelli King has small balls? 87% of you say YES. Do you think Yogi Tulsii would cry his way though sex? 99.8 percent of you say YES. At least there is one person besides Yogi out there that thinks otherwise. That is all for Entertainment Tonight! Goodnight Everyone!!

The channel changes to the Yuna Pimphrey Show

Yuna 45 years from now: Hello and welcome to the Yuna Pimphrey Show!

Crowd: Yaaaaayyy!!

Yuna 45 years from now: Today, we have a very special guest. He is a multi-time Grammy Award Winner, a one-Time Academy Award Winner for his performance in his own music video, and whose latest CD "Awkward" has just recently hit Platinum! He is pop sensation, HEAVEN NATHIOUS!!!!

Heaven cums out very Kristen Stewart-like awkward. He shakes Yuna's hand with his sweaty palm and takes a seat, but miscalculates and falls on his butt. He blushes as he gets back up and sits on the chair. All the fangirls and boys cheers him on.

Yuna 45 years from now: Let me be the first to say how much of an honor it is to have you on the show.

Heaven 45 years from now: Yes, um....thank you...

Yuna 45 years from now: Well, Heaven. I think just about everybody here knows that you had broken up with your ex-girlfriend and drug dealer, FLZ. Once it was announced that you two were splitting up, a flurry of rumors came about ranging from you cheating on FLZ with your own mom, FLZ choosing a Ding-Dong over you during your last tour of Japan, and a sex tape of you two having sex in an awkward position. Care to shed some light?

Heaven 45 years from now: That's just um....a bunch of...BS. Me and FLZ left on...very good terms...

Tuna 45 years from now: Any updates on FLZ?? She seems to have kept quiet since the break up.

Heaven 45 years from now: She's....signed a deal with Jenny Craig...um, commercials and all that....

Yuna 45 years from now: Now, is it true that your latest single, "I Want A Fat Babe" was written in dedication to her?

Heaven 45 years from now: *blushes* Yes...

Yuna 45 years from now: Heaven, it will be an honor to have you perform on the show.

Heaven 45 years from now: Alright....I guess.

Heaven's fanboys and girls: YAAAAAAAYYYYYEEEEEAAAAHHH!!!

Heaven gets up, unbuttons his shirt, revealing blonde chest hair and is tossed a mic. He takes it to his mouth.

Yeah, yeah, ya
Your ass
Is wider
Than a
Bus tire
Of you
I'm not afraid
I want a fat babe

Eat me
A whole pound
Of steak
Finish your whole plate
It's o.k.
That I want a fat babe

Biggie fries
With a 64 ounce milk shake
Supersize
Every step is like an Earth quake
You're so wide
Queen of the all you can eat buffet
I want a fat babe

Thin girls they're starvin'
For what we're carvin'
What they say
Has no weight
Cause I want a fat babe

Cherry pie
You got that extra cushion
Thunder thighs
Much better for the pushin'
Slip and slide
Next to you I'm always in the shade
I want a fat babe

Magazines and the movie screens
Say thin is the way to be
Yeah
But you can't go the distance
With out some resistance
The bigger the better for me

Your ass is wider
Than a church choir
Eat more
Eat More
Eat More
Eat More

I wanna her you say
I'm having some shake-n-bake
Jenny Craig is a mistake
(Don't want a skinny bitch)
Ally McBeal I hate
(I hate)
I'll be a fat babe

Eat it fried
Please don't leave with out more dinner
Extra sides
Baby sexy isn't thinner
Open wide
I never want to see you loose weight
(Don't want a skinny bitch)
I want a fat babe

Tell me why
That ain't nothing but a fruit plate
You're dieting to loose weight
It's not right
TAE-BOE took all your pounds away
I want a fat babe

Cause I want a fat babe

(moar cookies for FLZ for that reference)

Heaven gets down on his knees and a towel is throw on him. He gets up, but drops his mic Kristen Stewart-style. He blushes as he attempts to exit stage left, but sees that its blocked so he blushes before quickly exitting stage right

Yuna 45 years from now: Now, before I sign of the show for a final time

Audience: *GASP*

Yuna 45 years from now: I just wan't you all to know that I love you all so, so much. Really I do! *tears up* So as a final gift, everyone of you in the live studio audience will receive...... a new car(!!)

Audience: YAAAAAYEEEAAH!!

Yuna 45 years from now: ....ton of milk!

Audience

Channel changes

Isabel 45 years from now: Like that's the first time we heard that before!

It's A Sluggiful Life: Part Cinco


The scene opens up to the set of the Dr. Alpha Show. A loud boom can be heard at the side wall. Eman comes in through the door rubbing his head as he grabs a mic.

Eman 45 years from now: Welcome! To the "Dr. Alpha Show!" with your host, Dr. Alpha! So without further ado....Heeeeeere's Alph!!!

Alpha 45 years from now: *comes out to some catchy jazz music wearing a t-shirt that says "When Life Hands You Lemons, Take A Shit." with a tie over it. The crowd cheers for him as he does the worm but fails at it.* Welcome to the "Dr. Alpha Show" and as always, I am your host, Dr. Alpha! *honk honk* You see that, I make my intro then I bust out the horn! Now let's all give a round of applause to my music director, Dafoose, over there for that lovely intro music!

Dafoose 45 years from now: *plays "Beethoven's Second" on VHS*

Alpha 45 years from now: Hey Eman, do you like this shirt?

Eman 45 years from now: Its real and to the point. I love it.

Alpha 45 years from now: Hey Foosey, how about a little shirt music, man!

Dafoose 45 years from now: *plays piano* Alpha's Shiiirt! Alpha's Shiiirt! Its all covered in diiiiirt! There you go. Some shirt music.

Alpha 45 years from now: It could use a little cow bell, man. Just a little cow bell. NOW, onto the topic of today's show. Obesity, the silent killer? In a special episode that I like to call: "Help! I'm Overweight, And I Can't Get Up!" Now please give a warm welcome to my two special guests, who'll do anything for a Klondike bar, Mark and FLZ!!!

Mark and FLZ 45 years from now: *waddles out, with Dafoose beating on a drum as if making the sound of an earthquake with each step they take. They go to shake Dr. Alpha's hand, but Mark is tasered by a joy buzzer and Alpha gives FLZ a wet willie*

Alpha 45 years from now: *honk honk* Please, please have a seat!

Mark and FLZ 45 years from now: *Both take a seat but they inadvertantly sit on whoopie cushions, causing a loud fart sound*

Alpha 45 years from now: Haha! When I said, "please have a seat." I thought you two would eat it, not sit on it!

Eman 45 years from now: *In robotic tone* Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!

Alpha 45 years from now: Thank you Eman, you are too kind.

Eman 45 years from now: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!

Alpha 45 years from now: Aoooogah!!! NOW onto some serious business. My two guests here have been dealing with weight problems ever since, like, ever!

Eman 45 years from now: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!

Alpha 45 years from now: Alright Eman, that's just rude! OK, lets not tease them mm'kay. This ain't no laughing matter.

Eman 45 years from now: Mark has boobs! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!

Alpha 45 years from now: Hey, y'know what? You're right. He does have boobs!

Eman 45 years from now: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!

Alpha 45 years from now: Hey Foosey, how about some boob music?

Dafoose 45 years from now: *starts jamming on the piano* Mark has boooobs! Mark has booooobs! Maybe he isn't a duuuuude! There you go. Some boob music.

Eman 45 years from now: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!

Alpha 45 years from now: I mean damn, man. What bra size are you? 69 D or something? Those are even bigger than Isabel's!

Eman 45 years from now: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!

Alpha 45 years from now: Can somebody disconnect his mic please.

Eman 45 years from now: Ha Ha Ha- *iz cut off but still laughing*

Alpha 45 years from now: Thank you. NOW getting back to some serious business here. Aoooooga!!! FLZ, is it true that you were going steady with music sensation, Heaven Nathious?

FLZ 45 years from now: Well, yes

Alpha 45 years from now: *honk honk* And is it true that you two broke up during your tour of Japan all because you chose a Ding Dong over him?

FLZ 45 years from now: ....Well it was a good Ding Dong-

Alpha 45 years from now: *honk honk* I rest my case. Now Mark, how's your love life?

Mark 45 years from now: Well, It's pretty good and I'm-

Alpha 45 years from now: And who says fat people can't have fun?! As you were saying?

Mark 45 years from now: I'm going out with someone I loved since my teenage years-

Alpha 45 years from now: Uhhmmm yes, quite. I just received word that your boyfriend is here somewhere in the audience. Let's bring him up here and maybe we can discuss it together. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the artist formerly known as Nightwing, Aladdin!!!

Night 45 years from now: *had sex change and now goes by Al. walks to the stage from the audience wearing a trucker's uniform and scratching his buttcrack. goes to shake Alpha's hand, but Mein Kampfy Chair refuses*

Alpha 45 years from now: I don't wanna shake your hand, man! Not after you just scratched your butt crack! Just take a seat.

Night 45 years from now: *Takes a seat next to Mark. Takes out a can of beer and takes a swig*

Alpha 45 years from now: Hey, I don't know if you didn't get the memo or not, but we here at the "Dr. Alpha" don't allow alcoholic beverages in the premises. How the hell did you get in with that anyway? Please dispose of it, man. Not cool.

Night 45 years from now: How bout I-I...give you one fawking....black eye, eh doc?! What? Am I not good-good enough for your show...or somethin?! I thought this was America?!

Alpha 45 years from now: Woah, woah, woah, woah,woah, man! We cool. We cool. No need to get your tampon in a frizz. We all friends here.

Night 45 years from now: Them be some f-fightin words!

Alpha 45 years from now: Calm down, man. Everybody knows that I don't hit girls.

Eman 45 years from now: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!

Alpha 45 years from now: Who the hell plugged his mic back in? Dafoo-

Night 45 years from now: *Grabs Dr, Alpha by the throat and throws him through his desk*

Alpha 45 years from now: That's all the time we have today! Tune in next time for-

Night 45 years from now: *Throws a chair at Alpha's face. Grabs the chair and continues to clobber Alpha with it*

Live Studio Audience: ALPHA! ALPHA! ALPHA! ALPHA!

Mark 45 years from now: *tries to get up to stop Al, but loses energy after two seconds*

FLZ 45 years from now: Stop pointing that camera at me! It adds ten pounds!!!

Eman 45 years from now: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!


The tv goes off

Slugg: That's it old timer. I've had enough.

Slugg 45 years from now: *wakes up* What tax evasion!! Wha-oh...still wanna kill yourself, kid?

Slugg: No, I'm fine. After watching all this mind numbing television about the future lives of my friends. I've come to know just how better off I am without them. I'm overdramatic over nothing.

Slugg 45 years from now: Good to hear!

Slugg: Thanks, old man.

Slugg 45 years from now: Who are you?

Slugg:

The Slugg-A-Loreon is back in present day Texas, back on the bridge from the beginning*

Slugg: Thanks again, old timer. I sure did learn my lesson.

Slugg 45 years from now: Yeah, and I learned mines. I should've done this a loooong time ago. *Grabs Slugg and tosses him over the bridge anyways* YES!! Now I can finally be fre- *poofs away from existence*

Hydra 45 years from now: Wah Wah Waaaah!!

I wouldn't mind being a blues musician. Maybe I defy everything a blues musician stands for while I sink in my seat on the bus, expensive shoes wrapped loosely around my feet and headphones perched lovingly on my head. I think Duke Ellington would suffer from a prolapse upon casting eyes on me. I don't have a top hat or driving gloves to compliment my image; try a black wool hat with a hole peeking out of the top.

However, that isn't to say I don't understand them. Blues musicians I mean. I haven't gone through much of the anguish and suffering you seem to need as a requisite. It's not something I'd consider putting on a resume. Imagine me turning up to Johnny Cash's house back in the 1990's, guitar slung across my back and jeans stonewashed beyond any shade of blue? There would be laughter, not tears. That would all be very well, but having been only 13 when the Cash man died, I didn't stand much of a chance any way you look at things.

The trouble with riding on a bus during daytime hours is the amount of elderly people who forget where they're going. I'm not ignorant, because these people lived through golden ages of music. What annoys me is how they think the world owes them a favour, as if they've fought their whole lives for equality and a society free of oppression. For one thing sister, that's never going to happen, and for another, we'd all like the same thing. That doesn't mean things will get easier. If I've learned one life lesson in 19 years it's that dreams don't come true if too many people chase it.

One more thing that sort of pickles my wick about old people is how their level of generalization outweighs that of the young and the fruitful. How many times do you think an elderly woman looks at a teenager like me with headphones the size of two small cars looming over my line of sight and thinks I'm going to stab her with a home-made spear? So many times it's boring, let me tell you. I wish I could stand up behind some of them eager to get off at their stop and shout "I've got Miles Davies on you fucking idiot".

There I go again. Everytime I'm carried away on a cloud, the harsh bell brings me back down to Earth, and I'm forced to watch as someone waddles down the aisle carrying her shopping. Don't tell me I'm not forced, because I'm hardly going to look around me and pretend to be interested in an advertisement about male infertility. I might be interested in the blues but give me some credit, that's the only source of pleasure for some single men.

Like a lizard will never see the Arctic breeze, or like the desert sand will never see the root of a plentiful fruit tree, I'll never see the true mood behind a lot of this music I admire. Rather than kick out some "banging tunes", I'm much more content listening to jazz, classical and bluegrass, every pluck of a banjo string identified. Every gentle rap on a tubular bell. Every clasp, cover and strain of a brass section in an orchestra. It's this veil I hide behind. To you, I'm just another ignorant teenager that lives with his parents and does nothing but sit around and drink out-of-date beer. Already I'm so much more than you'll ever be in life or in death. That's my choice, and your mistake.