Patrick's Big Break

Patrick's finally gotten a job! Unfortunately, it's in a city far away from Bkini Bottom, called Salt Water City. The main characters of this spin-off:

Patrick Star: Well, duh. Only now, he works in McCoral's restaurant as a waiter. He means well and has a big heart, but of course his stupidity can get in the way of his performance.

James McCoral III: Being the descendant of the original James McCoral, the restaurant business got handed down to him. He loves his job, but some of his employees can get on his nerves. He is also very obsessive-compulsive and a perfectionist, excpecting no less from his employees.

Doug Blair: Patrick's roommate in Saltwater Apartments. He has an ambition to become a rock star, and can be loud and obnoxious. He currently works as an accountant, and unlike James, he hates his job and is a very lax employee.

Sara Johnson: Patrick's other roommate who also works as an accountant. She and Doug often butt heads, because Sara is a hard worker and does not like to be disturbed while doing something.

Leslie Chang: The apartment manager and front desk. She is very nosy and often complains about noise, even when there is very little.

Chef Ollie Sanderson: The head chef at McCoral's. He's a good chef, but is also very clumsy and careless.

Tyler Sardino: A teenaged chef at McCoral's. He only applied for the job because cooking runs in his family, therefore he does his job with little effort. He is also the most sarcastic employee.

Ronald Bungalow: Another waiter at McCoral's. He thinks lowly of Patrick, and often feels the need to compete with him. He is also very arrogant.

Susie Starfish: A pretty waitress at McCoral's. Both Patrick and Ronald have a crush on her, but most of the time she is completely oblivious to this.

I'll post the pilot when I can. Any thoughts so far?

Eh....sounds repetitive. It sounds like it's been done before. It just doesn't stand up to Coral Drive or Tentacle High. I'm sorry, but a ton of spin offs are about Patrick moving away and getting a job and blah blah blah blah. I don't think I'll be tuning in. I was expecting a bit more from you.

It's funny actually, because I was trying so hard to not give the idea of "been there, done that". But you're right, the plot has been overdone. I had another idea involving SpongeBob's parents, though. Do you wanna see it?

Wumbology wrote:It's funny actually, because I was trying so hard to not give the idea of "been there, done that". But you're right, the plot has been overdone. I had another idea involving SpongeBob's parents, though. Do you wanna see it?

Sure.

Well, basically it's a comedic look at the town SpongeBob's parents live in (is there any indication they live in Bikini Bottom?). There will be a bunch of new characters introduced.

Ill probably tune in.

Okay, I'll try both ideas, and see which one is more popular.

Episode 1: Advancing With the Star

Patrick is watching his favourite show, "When Coconuts Attack". Usually, he finds it hilarious. But this time around, he seems kind of bored watching it.

"I feel like there's something missing in my life," Patrick says to himself. He then gets an idea. "I know! Popcorn!"

He rushes to his sand microwave to make some popcorn. Now that he has a full bowl of it, he sits back down in his easy chair and eats the popcorn. But alas, he still doesn't feel better.

"I need to do something with my life," he proclaims. "I need..." he appears to be struggling to say this, "...to get... a job!"

He collapses in his chair, worn out from the energy it took to spit that out.

Theme song plays: Day Late, Dollar Short by the Acro-Brats - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDKmEN8ghls

---

Patrick goes out to get the newspaper next morning, still in search for a job.

He notices something in the want ads: "Help Wanted: McCoral's Restaurant, 574 Conch Street, Salt Water City. Position for waiter/waitress open. Must be friendly, courteous, and patient."

As soon as Patrick saw "restaurant", his face lit up. "That's it!" he proclaimed. He looks further down the page. "I can be a janitor!"

He looks back up. "Wait, what was that about a restaurant?" He reads it carefully. "Well, I've been a patient at the doctor's office before! I'm ready! But wait..." He reads it again. "Salt... Water... City?" He ponders this for a moment, and then says, "Hey! That's not Bikini Bottom!"

His lips start to quiver in sadness. "What about SpongeBob?" He then decides to shake it off. "No," he says confidently. "I must do this alone."

Patrick, still confident, walks up to SpongeBob's house to announce that he's leaving. He knocks on the door. When SpongeBob answers, he says, "Hi, Patrick! You're looking pretty confident today," he adds, noticing Patrick's confident stance.

"That's because I have to tell you something, SpongeBob," Patrick begins. He then falls down and bursts into tears. "I'm leaving Bikini Bottom!" he blubbers.

SpongeBob falls down and starts crying with him. They hug each other.

Meanwhile, Squidward was about to practice his clarinet. But he can't concentrate with all the crying outside.

He opens his window and sticks his head out. "What are you two simpletons crying about?!" he demands.

"Oh, Squidward, it's terrible!" SpongeBob says. "Patrick's leaving!"

Squidward's face lights up. "He is? And- and are you going with him?"

SpongeBob sniffles. "No, I can't! I have to stay here and take care of his rock!"

Squidward, still happy, says, "Well anyway, goodbye, Patrick!" He shuts the window, and you can hear Squidward hooting wildly and party music coming from inside.

SpongeBob, still sad, says, "I'm gonna miss you, buddy!"

"I am too, SpongeBob," Patrick replies. "But it's for the best."

---

The next morning, Patrick is waiting outside his rock for the bus that will take him to Salt Water City. SpongeBob and Squidward are waiting with him.

"Well..." SpongeBob says, "I gues this is... goodbye."

"Yes! Goodbye, Patrick!" Squidward chimes in. Just then, the bus comes. "Here, let me help you with your bags." He gives them to Patrick.

Patrick glumly says, "Thanks, Squidward. Goodbye." He looks at SpongeBob. "Goodbye, SpongeBob."

"Goodbye, Patrick!" SpongeBob blubbers.

Patrick gives the exact change to the bus, then finds an empty seat. As the doors close and the bus pulls away, Patrick gives one last wave goodbye to Bikini Bottom. As he leaves, Sandy Cheeks's song from "Chimps Ahoy" plays.

---

Patrick arrives at his new home, Seaworthy Apartments. He goes inside to check in.

He rings the bell for service. Amused by the sound, he continues to ring it over and over again...

"Would you stop that?!" A rather snooty-looking fish steps out. She sits down in her chair. "I don't like noise!" she asserts. "What do you want?!"

"Uh, I'm Patrick Star, and I'm here for my new home."

"Ah, yes, Star..." The fish checks his name off. "I'm Leslie Chang, and I'm your landlord. You do anything wrong, elicit any complaints, you'll be hearing from me! Understand?"

Patrick looks blank. "Is that a trick question?"

Leslie buries her face in her hands. "Just... don't do anything stupid! Your room is 619."

"Okay, thanks!" Patrick walks up to his room.

---

When Patrick gets to the 6th floor and the 19th room, he knocks on the door and waits. He shrugs, and concludes, "They must not be home." He then begins to walk away.

Then, he stops and slaps his forehead in amusement. "How silly of me!" he says. He walks back up to the door and inspects it. "There must be a doorbell around here somewhere..."

The door then flings open, doorknob hitting Patrick in the eye. "Oof!" Patrick grunts as he falls down.

Out of his other eye, he sees a young fish with punk-style clothes and a mohawk. "Woah, sorry dude," the guy says. He then asks, "Hey, are you Patrick Star?"

Patrick, still a bit dazed, says, "I think so."

The guy calls over his shoulder, "Hey, dude! New roommate is here!"

Another young fish walks up in a huff. "Doug, how many times do I have to tell you - I don't like being called 'dude'," she says, annoyed.

"Once or twice more should do it," Doug jokes. "Check out our new roommate!"

The other fish notices Patrick. "Oh, hi - You must be Patrick. I'm Sara." She holds out her hand. "Need help getting up?"

Patrick grabs Sara's hand, and gets up. "Thanks," he says.

"I apologize for our rude roommate here," Sara says, indicating Doug. "He gets excited all the time."

Doug puts an arm around Sara. "That's how I roll, babe," he says jokingly.

Sara shrugs him off. "Anyway, come on in," she says to Patrick.

Patrick walks in and sits down at the kitchen table. Sara notices his black eye. "Did you want some ice for that?" she asks in concern.

"Whuh? Oh, sure," Patrick says, still a bit dazed.

Sara gets an ice pack and puts it on Patrick's eye. "Now, how does that feel?" she asks.

"Cold," Patrick says bluntly.

"But does your eye still hurt?" Sara asks.

Patrick stops to think. "...No," he says. "Can you take it off?"

Sara takes the ice pack off, and miraculously, Patrick's eye appears to be back to normal!

"Well, thanks, uh... Sara," Patrick says. "Now, I just gotta put my bags here, and I'm off to the interview."

"Interview?" Doug asks. "For what?" Sara adds.

"Uh... it's for my job. I'm going to be a waiter at McCoral's Restaurant. Although I don't know how much waiting I'll have to do."

Sara smiles good-naturedly. "Well good luck, Patrick!" she says.

"Yeah, dude! Knock 'em out!" Doug adds.

"Okay!" Patrick says as he leaves.

---

Patrick punches his future boss in the face.

"Ow! What the hell was that for?" he asks.

"Some guy told me to knock you out," Patrick says sheepishly.

The boss, who seems rather good-natured in humour, chuckles a little and sits back down in his seat. "All right, sir. Just... keep away from the face, okay?" he requests.

"You want me to punch you in the stomach?" Patrick inquires.

"No, no! Just... sit down."

"Okay," Patrick says as he sits down.

"Now then... my name is James McCoral. And you're..." he checks his clipboard. "Patrick Star, I presume?"

"Yep," Patrick replies.

"All right, Patrick," James begins. "Tell me why you want this job as a waiter here at McCoral's."

"Well, I was watching my favourite show, 'When Coconuts Attack'. Then, it hit me that I wasn't doing enough with my life. So, I decided to apply for a job here."

"'When Coconuts Attack', Mr. Star?"

"Yeah, y'wanna watch? I got some tapes back at my apartment."

"No, no! That's... fine," James says. "Let's just move on. What are your interests?"

"Well, I like sleeping... and eating, too," Patrick says.

"Anything... productive?"

"Well, when I have to go to the bathroom..."

"Okay, I think I can picture it in my head," James cuts him off. He looks at his clipboard and goes through the list of questions. He then tosses it on the table and says, "Well, I think that's enough. Nice meeting you, Mr. Star."

"You too," Patrick shakes hands with James, then walks out. When he is out of earshot, James mutters, "Well, it's a no-brainer. I'm picking Russell Smith, he was better by miles."

---

Russell Smith is walking across the street. He gets hit by a bus.

---

James reads the obituaries in disbelief. "Does that mean... I have to hire..."

---

"I got the job!" Patrick jumps up and down.

"That's great, dude!" Doug pats him on the back.

A sharp knock occurs at the door. Patrick opens it to find Leslie Chang. "I've gotten dozens of noise complaints!"

"From who?" Patrick asks.

"Well, mostly myself..." Leslie admits. "But still, keep it down!"

She shuts the door. Doug shakes his head. "I swear, that woman could turn coal into a diamond."

"I heard that!" Leslie says on the other end.

"Great job, Patrick!" Sara says as she walks into the kitchen. "You must've left a good impreession."

"Yeah, I think I did," Patrick replies. "He was so sure he wanted to hire me, he didn't even go through all the questions!"

"So, what are you going to do now?" Sara asks.

"I'm going to do one of my interests!" Patrick declares. He walks into his bedroom, and loud snoring can be heard.

Episode 2: Meet the Rest

Patrick wakes up from his sleep. It's now 7 AM! He's late for work!

"Oh my gosh!" Patrick proclaims. He looks at the clock. "This clock is wrong!"

He puts it down, and goes back to sleep.

Doug walks in. "Hey, dude... aren't you gonna wake up? You're late."

Patrick wakes up again. "I am late? Oh my gosh!"

He jumps out of bed and rushes out the door.

"Wait, Pat!..." Doug begins. But Patrick is in the elevator before he can tell him...

"You're still in your pajamas..."

Theme song plays

---

Patrick rushes in to McCoral's, worn out from running. "I'm... here..." he says, gasping for breath.

James McCoral walks out in a huff. "Mr. Star, where is your uniform?!"

Patrick stops to ponder this. He then says, "That's a good question..."

James facepalms. "Ah, for the love of... go back home, and change into your proper uniform. Okay?"

"Okay." Patrick rushes back home.

---

Patrick comes back home, and unlocks the door with his key.

He opens up, and sees that Doug and Sara have already left for work.

"Well, I'd better go change..." Patrick begins. He goes into his room, and comes out in his uniform.

"Now, I'm off!" Patrick struts out the door.

---

When Patrick returns to McCoral's, James has an important announcement for him. "Mr. Star, I'd like you to meet your crew members... These are the other servers, Ronald Bungalow and Susie Starfish..."

Patrick shakes hands with Ronald. Patrick smiles politely, but Ronald just glares at him. Patrick then shakes hand with Susie Starfish, and is awestruck by her good looks. Susie notices Patrick's look and asks, "Is it the glitter? I put too much glitter on, didn't I?"

Patrick simply answers, "No..."

They shake hands for quite a while, when Susie pulls hers away. Patrick takes his away and blushes.

James notices this and mutters, "Why does every guy we have go for her..." He then speaks up. "...And these are out chefs, Patrick. Meet Ollie Sanderson and Tyler Sardino."

Ollie walks up and pumps Patrick's hand up and down. "Good to meet ya, Patrick," he says. He lets go, and as he walks back, he bumps into Tyler, who falls over.

"Oh, sorry man..." Ollie helps him up. "Did I bump you?"

"No, it's just National Spontaneously Fall Down Day," Tyler replies sarcastically. He then walks up to Patrick, shakes his hand, and whispers in his ear, "Welcome to Hell."

"But I thought this place was called McCoral's..." Patrick says, confused.

Tyler chuckles. "I like this guy." He then returns to the kitchen.

"All right, Patrick," James continues. "I'm your manager. Your boss. Understand?"

Patrick scratches his head. "Not really. You just said you were two different people."

James facepalms. "Just... listen to me. Okay?"

"Okay!" Patrick replies.

---

Patrick returns home after his day at work.

Doug and Sara are sitting at the kitchen table. "Sooo... how did it go?" Doug asks.

"It went great!" Patrick says. "He didn't yell at me once! Well, except for when I came in my pajamas," he adds sheepishly.

"Aww, it's okay, Patrick..." Sara consoles him. "We all make mistakes."

"Well, I gotta go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." Patrick goes into the bathroom.

Sara turns to Doug. "He went to work in his pajamas?!" she whispers.

"Yeah, I tried to tell him, but he was already off and running."

"I'm sorry, but that's pretty moronic," Sara scoffs.

"Give him a chance," Doug reasons. "He's probably got a lot of things on his mind right now."

Patrick's voice comes from the other side of the door. "Uh, guys? We're out of toilet paper."

Sara says, "What? I just bought a new roll yesterday!"

"Well, I... had a lot in me," Patrick responds sheepishly.

"Oh, for the love of... Doug, run to the store and get more toilet paper," Sara says.

"Why me? You're the buying person, and I'm the..." Doug tries to think of something he does around the apartment. "...other guy."

Sara facepalms in frustration. "Fine, I'll do it... lazybones."

"You're a peach," Doug says dryly. He takes out his guitar and begins to strum.

As Sara leaves, Doug makes up a song.

"So I was sittin' here...
Feelin'... feelin' like a beer...
And I don't know why I'm singing this song
Instead of getting myself a beer...
But that's what servants are for...
Unfortunately, I don't have a servant..."

Doug continues to strum and mumble incoherently over the credits.

Episode 3: Crass Production

Patrick gets up for another day at work, this time on time. He has breakfast with Doug and Sara.

"So, where do you guys work, anyway?" Patrick asks.

"Hell," Doug says bitterly.

"Hey, that's where I work!" Patrick exclaims.

"You don't like your job?" Sara says, confused.

"No, but my co-worker Tyler said, 'Welcome to Hell" when I met him. I thought it was called McCoral's, but I guess it's not."

Sara looks at him pityingly. "Patrick, it IS called McCoral's," she says. "This Tyler guy's just pulling your leg."

Patrick looks down. "Really? I don't see or feel anything."

Sara facepalms. Doug says,"Well, the place I work at may as well be called Hell, because that's what it feels like."

"You bitch about this every day," Sara says indignantly.

"Only because there's always something to bitch about," Doug fires back. "Did I mention that clumsy bastard Johnny Crabweed spilled coffee on my suit yesterday?"

"Well, then learn to stay away from him," Sara scoffs.

"Oh, and I forgot to save the really important file I've been working on for 3 weeks." Doug buries his head in his hands.

"Well... you should learn how to work a computer," Sara says.

"Oh yes, and on my way home, I stumbled into a rottwormer worm park, and... you can kinda guess how that went."

Sara looks at him suspiciously. Doug admits, "Okay, I did make that one up. But my point still stands."

Sara looks at her watch. "Well, you'd better get ready for Hell, Worm Boy... we're behind schedule."

Doug looks at his watch. "Oh, shit!" he says. Both of them rush to get ready.

Patrick looks around the room as Doug and Sara rush around. "Have fun in Hell!" Patrick says.

Theme song plays.

---

Doug and Sara are waiting for the carpool to pick them up. It's a brisk fall morning.

"Brrr!" Doug shivers. "Why can't the carpool come faster?!"

Sara rolls her eyes. "They come at the same time every day, Doug. They don't have a speed-to-temperature ratio."

"Well, then why are we waiting out here so early?!" Doug challenges.

"Better early than late, I always say," Sara replies smugly.

It's Doug's turn to roll his eyes. "I've got a saying: Better warm than freezing!"

"Oh, stop being such a baby," Sara admonishes. "Would you complain about the cold if you were a rock star?"

Doug reacts to Sara's comment as if it jabbed him in the side. "Don't bring my dreams into this," he says softly.

After a couple awkward seconds, Sara points down the road. "Oh, look! There's our carpool!"

Doug looks down the road. "That's a garbage truck."

Sara blushes. "Just... trying to make conversation..." she says awkwardly.

"Well, stop it," Doug says half-seriously. He looks down the road again. "Hey! It's our actual carpool!"

"Yeah, right," Sara says. "Look, you don't have to poke fun at me everytime you get."

Sara the notices a car that's pulled up, with Doug in the passenger seat. "Save the sentimental talk for later, dude! Hop in!"

Sara jumps into the back, and the car speeds off.

---

Doug is in his office, rewriting the file. He has to do this quickly, or suffer the...

His boss walks up. "BLAAIIIR!" He yells. "Where's that file I told you to complete?"

"Working on it right now, sir," Doug answers dryly.

"Don't give me attitude, son," the boss grunts. "I want that file and I want it now!"

"Sorry, you must have me confused with a robot," Doug fires back.

The boss places a hand on Doug's cubicle. "Doug, do you like your job here?"

Lying thorugh his teeth, Doug answers, "Yes, sir."

"Then I suggest you shut your pie-hole and get the work done!" the boss says.

He walks away, and Doug curses under his breath while struggling to finish.

---

Patrick is happily sipping a cup of hot chocolate when Doug and Sara walk in, both exhausted.

Patrick greets them with a wave and a friendly grin. "How was your day?" he asks.

Doug slumps down in a chair while Sara pours herself a cup of coffee. "Exhausting," he says groggily.

"Tiring," Sara says, mostly to spite Doug's exaggeration.

Doug looks up at Sara pityingly. "You're only hurting yourself when you lie like that," he says.

"It's not lying. I had a less exhausting day because I don't cram everything till the last minute," Sara fires back.

Doug throws his hands up. "Whatever you say..." He gets up. "I'm hitting the sack." He trudges off to bed.

Sara looks at him in disgust. "But you still have work to do!" she protests.

"Yeah, well, I'll get around to it eventually," Doug says. He shuts the door to his bedroom.

Sara grunts and sits down. "Honestly," she says, addressing Patrick. "I don't know how he keeps his job."

Patrick ponders this for a second. "Does he have sea monkeys?" he asks.

"Sea... What does that have to do with anything?'

"If my employee had sea monkeys, I'd let him stay," Patrick replies.

Sara runs a fin through her hair. "Never mind," she says. "So, how was your day, Patrick?"

"Great!" he replies. "Mr. McCoral says that rates are up 30% because of me!"

Sara looks surprised. "That's great, Patrick!" she says.

Patrick replies, "Yeah..."

Swoosh cut to earlier today when James is reprimanding Patrick. "Accident rates are up 30% because of you!"

Swoosh cut back to the present. Patrick says, "And I'm really motivating the other employees to work harder!"

Swoosh cut to Ronald reprimanding Patrick. "I have to work twice as hard because of you!"

Swoosh cut back. Patrick says, "Yep... it's been a productive day."

"Well, I'm glad to hear that, Patrick," Sara says, genuinely impressed. "Well, I'd better get started on my work. I'll be in my room."

"All right," Patrick says.

Sara leaves, and Patrick reminisces on his "productive day"...

A montage of Patrick dropping dishes, Patrick being confused by customer's orders, and Patrick slipping on a wet floor are shown.

Credits.

PLEASE take your time to review this episode.

Episode 4: The Fire Inside

James McCoral is sitting at his desk, at a loss on what to do. Patrick's really not working for him as a waiter. But he means so well... James doesn't want to fire him, either.

He then gets an idea. Put Patrick in a different position than waiter...

He grins as he writes down possible ideas for Patrick...

---

Patrick wakes up for antoher day at work. He starts to get ready immediately.

"Why the rush, Patrick?" Doug asks as he sips his coffee.

"I want to get there extra-early, so I can see Mr. McCoral's smiling face!"

"Wow, it really seems like he likes you, dude," Doug says.

"Oh, he does," Patrick replies confidently. "Just yesterday, he said that it would be impossible to find a duplicate of me. I don't really know what a duplicate is, but I think it's good!"

Doug puts on an awkward smile. "Well, dude... just take it easy at work. Wouldn't want to hurt your..." he struggles not to say "little"... "...brain."

I guess," Patrick says. "Well, seeya!" He strolls out of the apartment.

Doug shakes his head as he sips his coffee. "Damn... how does that guy keep his job?"

Sara wakles up and strolls out of her room, as Doug rambles on, "He's totally incompetent... a complete failure... can't do anything right..."

"Doug, you might wanna stop talking about yourself in time to finish your work from last night," Sara chimes in.

Doug comes to a sudden realization. "Oh, shit!" He rushes back into his room.

Sara rolls her eyes as she makes herself a cup of coffee. "Damn... how does that guy keep his job?"

Theme song plays.

---

Patrick rushes to work. James is standing behind his office door. He mutters under his breath, "Well, here goes nothing. Hopefully he's stupid enough to accept this as a promotion..."

Patrick smacks into the glass door. James grins and mutters, "I have nothing to worry about."

He walks out and opens the glass door. "Patrick... how..." he notices the starfish-shaped mark on the door and his happiness fades. "...good to see you."

Patrick picks himself up. "Good to see you too, Mc Mr. Coral," he says, still a little dazed.

"Well... let's get right to it. I'm glad you came here early, Patrick, because I have something very special to tell you..."

Patrick listens eagerly. "I'm going to give you... a promotion!"

Patrick jumps up and down on his chair in excitement. After a couple jumps, it breaks under his weight.

Patrick looks down at the broken chair, ashamed. "Sorry, Mr. McCoral."

Mr. McCoral rubs a fin over his face in frustration, then instantly brightens. "Don't worry about it, Patrick," he says. "Just sit on this chair here, and... try to refrain from jumping this time, okay?"

Patrick nods and sits down. James continues, "Now then... this promotion requires someone very, very..." he struggles to say it... "...smart. You think you're up for it?"

"Yes, ma'am, I mean, sir," Patrick says.

James looks at him for a while, then says, "O... kay. Well, this job should be very simple for you. All you have to do is dress up in a suit, then stand outside and wave. Think you can handle that?"

Patrick ponders this for a little bit. "Well..."

"Great!" James says, convinced that even Patrick could do this. "Now, follow me into the supplies department..."

Patrick and James walk into the supplies department. Patrick slams into the supplies department door. James opens it for him, and mutters, "At least it's stainless steel."

---

Doug is finishing up the file that he's been working on for the past few weeks. He finally finishes, and goes to print it out.

When he gets to the printer, he discovers it's out of paper. "Dammit!" he says. "Now I have to order more paper. The things I do for this place..."

Grumbling, he walks back to his seat. He dials the number of the company he gets his paper from.

Another somehat lax-looking employee picks up the phone while eating a sandwich. "Y'ello," he says.

"Hello... I'd like to order more paper for Salt Water City Accounting Services," Doug says.

"Really? The magical Paper Fairy didn't come to drop it off?" the man answers sarcastically.

"Ha ha. Just get me some paper, please." It's becoming obvious Doug is getting irritated, more so.

"Gee buddy, I wish I could help you, but I'm just the guy who answers phones," the guy replies. He then burps loudly into the reciever.

Doug cringes. "Well, then, could you find someone else who does deliver paper?!" he seethes.

"Ya got wax in yer ears, buddy? I just said all I do is answer phones."

"YOU USELESS SACK OF..." Doug's boss walks by. "...and I would like to complete the transaction with you, Mr. Jones..."

"I heard you across the hall, Doug. Give it up," the boss grimaces.

Frustrated, Doug hangs up the reciever. The boss asks, "So how's that paper coming along?"

"Well, I WOULD be finished, if I could just get some PAPER..." Doug says frustratedly.

The boss rolls his eyes. "Don't make excuses, Doug. There's a stack of paper just down the hall."

"That would have been nice to know," Doug says coldly. He then strolls down the hall.

The boss looks at him, shaking his head.

---

Patrick is standing outside in a giant coral suit, waving to passers-by.

A driver zooms by. "Hey, buddy, need a ride? I was just on my way to the big doofus convention!" He laughs as he drives away.

Swoosh cut to Stephen Hillenburg in his office, writing a stern letter. "Canada's gonna be sorry they messed with me," he mutters.

Swoosh cut back. Patrick is still standing there, waving. Unlike SpongeBob in Bossy Boots, though, he seems to be enjoying this new job of his.

We hear his thoughts. "I love this new job!... but I kind of miss being a waiter. Maybe I can get my old job back."

He walks back into the restaurant. A mother sitting near the entrance grabs Patrick's arm and pulls him over. "It's about time you got here!" she whispers harshly.

"Yeah," Patrick agrees. "I want my waiter job back."

The mother pushes him toward her children. "Are you going to entertain my daughter or not?"

Patrick, now completely confused, says, "Huh?"

"You're gonna have to do better than that to make my daughter laugh," the woman scoffs.

"Um... okay," Patrick says, still completely confused. He turns to the daughter and tries not to laugh as he remembers something funny he was told. "Okay, okay... picture this: Sitting at a table... and eating... POWDERED DOUGHNUTS!" He falls on the floor, rolling in laughter.

The daughter just looks at him strangely, as does the mom.

Patrick, getting up, says, "What, you don't get it? Powdered doughnuts!"

The mom grows angry. "You're a disgrace. I demand to see the manager."

Patrick suddenly remembers. "Oh, yeah! I need to go find him, too." He walks away.

The mom and the daughter stare at each other. The daughter says, "Was he really the entertainer we asked for, Mommy?"

"I hope not, sweetie..." the mom says.

---

Patrick opens the door to Mr. McCoral's office. "Mr. McCoral?"

Mr. McCoral looks up from his work. "Yes, Patrick?"

"I'm really enjoying my job as... well, whatever I'm doing. But I liked my waiter job better, and I'd like to have it back."

James stands up and chuckles. "Patrick, Patrick, Patrick..." he says, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Don't you see? You're being promoted from that lousy waiter job. This is where you belong!"

Patrick says, "Are you sure?"

"Absolutely!" James says. "I wouldn't have picked you if I didn't think you were perfect for the job."

Patrick, now reassured, says, "Well, thank you, Mr. McCoral! I won't disappoint!" He walks out of the office.

When he walks out, James bites his lip. Is he really doing the right thing by misleading Patrick?

"It's for the sake of the company," he reassures himself. He sits back down at his desk.

---

Patrick, Doug, and Sara are sitting at the dinner table, eating dinner.

"So how was your day?" Patrick asks between bites.

"Nothing short of..." Doug begins. But Sara cuts him off. "...A perfect day," she finishes.

"That's great!" Patrick says, while Doug glares at Sara. "If you'll excuse me, I'm finished."

He brings his dishes to the counter. Meanwhile, Doug whispers harshly to Sara. "Why did you tell him that?!"

"Oh, sorry. I'm sure he's thrilled with you bitching all the time," Sara says sarcastically.

"That's not the point!" Doug says. "I take pride in my bitching!"

Sara pats him on the shoulder. "So does everybody else in your warped delusion of a universe," she says condescendingly. She goes to help Patrick clear the table, leaving Doug dumbfounded.

Credits.

Episode 5: Dish Jockey

Patrick is back, working as a waiter.

Swoosh cut to the executive producer's (aka me) desk. A lowly mortal walks up to me and says, "Uh, sir... I don't mean to interrupt your show, but.. isn't it kind of a cheap copout to do that sort of thing?"

I flick him away with my giant ego.

Swoosh cut back to Patrick, at a table. "May I take your order?" he asks.

"Well, I'd like the kelp special with a Caesar salad on the side," the customer says.

Patrick writes the order down. "Right away!"

He walks over to the chef's window and licks the top part of the order note. He then attempts to stick it on the window.

Ollie walks by. "Uh, Patrick?" he says. "You're supposed to use tape for that."

"Oh, right!" Patrick says. He grabs the tape on the counter, and uses so much tape that Ollie can barely see the order.

"Y'know what? I'll do it," Ollie relents. He rips it off the wall, then tries to rip the tape off. In his attempt at doing so, he falls over.

Tyler walks by and rolls his eyes. He steps over him.

Patrick looks over at Ollie. Ollie grins sheepishly.

Theme song plays.

---

James McCoral rushes into the kitchen. "What's happened?!" he demands.

Patrick tries to explain. "Well, you see, Mr. Mc-"

"No, not you, Patrick! Ollie! What's the matter with you?"

Ollie gets up, and grins sheepishly again. "Well, y'see, Mr. McCoral, I was just trying to get tape off of here, when-"

"You can't take tape off of a-" James then notices the note is covered with tape. "What's the meaning of this?!"

Patrick raises his hand. James rubs his across his face. "This isn't an elementary school, Patrick," he says, obviously peeved. "Tell me how the note got covered in tape!"

"Well, y'see, Mr. McCoral," Patrick begins, "Ollie told me to put tape on the note."

"Did he tell you to COVER it with tape?!" James snaps, near his boiling point.

"Well, no..." Patrick says. "But, y'see..."

"Oh, enough with the 'y'see, Mr. McCoral...'," James says, unable to take anymore. He points at Patrick. "You, don't cover the entire note with tape, just one part on the top. And you..." he continues, now pointing at Ollie. "get ahold of yourself." He walks away in disgust.

Patrick walks back to the table. "Uh, Patrick?" Ollie calls. "Where ya goin'?"

"To get the order again," Patrick says. As he walks away, Ollie tries to get his attention, "But I just got the tape off!..."

---

The dishwasher in Patrick, Doug, and Sara's apartment is making a commotion again. Sara sighs. "Doug, I wish you'd do something about that dishwasher. It's driving me nuts. And if it's driving me nuts, it's certainly driving the landlady nuts."

"Nuts, huh? Well, permit me to come out of my shell..." Doug says, expectantly nudging Patrick for a reaction.

"I don't get it," Patrick says after a while.

"Well, anyways, let me say that I don't know how to fix it."

"Then get someone to fix it," Sara says dryly.

"You mean call in an expert? Remember the shower guy?"

Swoosh cut to a scene where Sara is standing outside of the shower impatiently. "Is it almost fixed?" The guy then turns the showerhead so it faces Sara, and mucky water splatters all over her face as she screams.

Swoosh cut back. "That 'shower guy' was you, Doug." Sara rolls her eyes.

"My point is," Doug argues, "is that we can't trust just anybody to come and fix the dishwasher."

"Yeah," Sara smirks. "They might be related to you."

Doug glares at her. "All right, fine," he says. "I'll call somebody."

"You're my hero," Sara says sarcastically as she sips her coffee.

Patrick is slightly confused. "Wait, which one's the shower guy again?"

---

James McCoral has gathered all the employees together. "All right, people," he says. "We need to come up with a slogan for this restaurant. Something catchy, yet satisfying."

Tyler speaks up. "How about 'Try the fast food joint down the street'?"

"No, no..." James says.

"'The bathrooms are almost as filthy as the kitchen'," Ollie pipes up.

"'Come for the food, stay for the gas'," Tyler counters.

"'No customer too small... let the flies share your meal'," Ollie retaliates. The two high-five in amusement.

James is beginning to grow impatient with these two. "Come on, guys, take this seriously," he admonishes.

"Aw, come on, Mr. McCoral," Ollie says. "I was just funnin' with ya. Why do we need a slogan anyway?"

"Because business is slow and we need to do anything we can to get customers in," James says.

Ronald speaks up. "How about firing him?" he suggests, indicating Patrick. Susie glares at Ronald.

"Yeah! Out of a cannon!" Patrick says, liking the idea.

"No, nobody's getting fired," James replies, much to Patrick's disappointment. "Now, can anyone give me a serious slogan?" he asks. looking at Tyler.

"For the record, my suggestions were serious..." Tyler protests.

James ignores him and turns to Patrick. "How about you, Patrick? Any ideas?"

Patrick thinks for a moment, then gets an idea. "How about 'The Cream of Salt Water City's Crop'?" he suggests.

The group looks at Patrick, then think about his suggestion.

"I actually like it," Susie says, to which Patrick blushes slightly.

"Me too," Ollie agrees.

"It'll have to do," Ronald says, hiding that he liked the idea too.

"Meh," Tyler says. "I still like my suggestions better. But hey, I'll give it a chance."

"Well, Patrick," James says, astonished, "looks like your slogan's the best."

Patrick smiles.

---

Doug hears a knock at the door. He gets up to answer it.

He opens it to find a chubby fish who's apparently their dishwasher repairman. "Name's Joe," he says, shaking Doug's hand.

"Uh... yeah. Name's Doug," Doug says uneasily, mostly due to Joe's greasy hand.

"All right, let's take a look at this dishwasher of yours," Joe says, getting right down to business. He's looking at the wrong place, however.

Doug rolls his eyes and points to the dishwasher. "It's over here, Expertee," he says with just a touch of sarcasm.

"Oh, thank you!" Joe replies cheerfully, seeming not to notice Doug's sarcasm. He opens the dishwasher up. "Yep... yep..." he murmurs, inspecting the inside.

"What is it?" Doug asks.

"That... is definitely a dishwasher," Joe concludes.

"I see," Doug replies dryly. "So, can you fix it?"

"Sure, just let me get my hammer and screws..." Joe replies.

---

Ollie is up on a ladder, putting a sign with Patrick's new slogan up. Tyler is supervising.

"A little to the left... little more... little more... little more..." Tyler orders.

Ollie looks down at Tyler. "Ty, if I put it much further to the left, I won't be able to put it up."

Tyler grins. "That's the idea."

Ollie groans. "Come on, Tyler. A - This could very possibly be the only good thing Patrick does for this restaurant, and B - Well, frankly, my arms are getting tired."

"All right, fine," Tyler relents. "Just in case you drop it on someone or something."

Ollie looks back. "Don't tempt me."

---

Joe is hammering a screw into the dishwasher top.

"Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt..." Doug begins. "Okay, I do mean to interrupt, are you sure this will fix the dishwasher?"

Joe looks up at Doug. "Who's the expert here?" he replies condescendingly.

"Good question," Doug mumbles under his breath.

---

James is bringing Patrick out to see his new slogan. "There it is, Patrick! What do you think?"

Patrick eyes it critically for a couple seconds. He then smiles and says, "I like it."

"Good," James says, satisfied. He mumbles under his breath, "This may be the only good thing you do for us anyway."

"What was that?" Patrick asks.

"Oh, I just have this... disorder... it causes me to mumble incoherently."

"Oh," Patrick replies. They walk back in the restaurant.

"All right, Patrick, sorry to tell you this, but back to waiting tables," James says, more sorry for himself than Patrick.

"Yes, sir!" Patrick salutes. He goes to the nearest table. "Hello, my name is Patrick..."

"We've... already been waited on," the woman at the table says.

"Oh," Patrick says, somewhat embarrassed. He goes to the next table. "Hello..."

"We've... already been waited on, too," the man at the table says apologetically.

He tries every other table, but to no avail. Ronald walks up to Patrick smugly. "Well, Patrick, looks like you've been beaten to the punch. See, I know what the customer wants, so I took the liberty of..."

"Hey, waiter!" a customer calls to Ronald. "Where's my Coke?"

"Could you hang on a second?" Ronald says with exasperation. He turns back to Patrick. "This slogan business gave me and Susie the responsibility of all these tables. And we've got it. So you may as well just go home."

Dejected, Patrick obeys Ronald.

---

"You're positive it's supposed to be spouting water like that?" Doug asks, now more wary than sarcastic.

"It's all part of the process, my boy," Joe replies, as he wrenches off another pipe.

Sara walks in from working overtime. "Hey, Doug. How's the - OH MY GOD!"

She notices the wreck that was once their dishwasher. Joe pokes his head out from under the counter. "You like it so far? It's not quite finished yet, but we're almost there."

Sara just stands there in shock. Patrick walks in, still dejected. He just walks to his room, not even noticing the dishwasher.

Leslie Chang is the next to walk in. "I've been getting complaints of wet floors from the apartment right above you!"

"Yeah, would you like to see the source?" Doug says, indicating Joe "fixing" the dishwasher.

GET... OUT!" Leslie is so angry she picks up Joe and hurtles him out the door. Joe says, "I get hazard pay for this!" as Leslie shuts the door.

Doug stands there, astonished. "Wow, Leslie," he finally says. "Where'd you learn that stuff?"

"It's a mix of martial arts and sumo wrestling," Leslie replies. "Now, what are we going to do about that?" she asks, indicating the even more broken dishwasher.

Doug puts on a pair of rubber gloves. "Don't worry, I'm on it," he says.

"Oh, Doug..." Sara covers her eyes. "I can't watch."

Some time later, the dishwasher is fixed - except for that horrible rattling sound.

"Granted, you made it better," Sara admits. "But now we're back to square one!"

"That rattling noise will go away over time," Doug replies. "I predict by the next episode, actually..."

Sara and Leslie stare at Doug in confusion. "...the next episode of that drama show you like to watch, Sara - Coral Drive, right?"

"Oh, okay," Sara says, smiling. "But I still don't understand - why could you fix that, but not the showerhead?"

"I guess I just really wanted to prove you wrong, and I did, didn't I?" Doug replies smugly.

Sara rolls her eyes, but this time in a good-natured manner. "Yes, I guess you did..."

Leslie is less than good-natured at this moment. "Swell. Well, I'd better go tell the apartment above you that the wet floors won't happen again..." She leaves.

Doug raises an eyebrow. "What we need is somebody to come and fix her."

---

Patrick is sitting in James's office, for he scheduled a meeting with him. "...So, Mr. McCoral, I'd really like it if we could take down the slogan."

"No need, Patrick," James replies. "We've already taken it down."

Patrick raises an eyebrow. "Really? Why?"

Swoosh cut to outside of McCoral's, where the sign has fallen onto a fish, which screams, "My leg!"

Swoosh cut back. James replies, "I just don't think we were meant to have a slogan. No hard feelings?"

Patrick smiles. "None." They shake hands, and Patrick walks out of the office.

Ronald walks into the restaurant, late for work and completely exhausted. "May I... take your order..." he mumbles, as he slumps down into a chair.

"Okay, gang!" James calls from insie his office. "We've got another big day ahead of us!"

Ronald groans.

---

This is the first episode since the pilot that I genuinely had fun writing, and I also think it's my best to date. Reviews IMMENSELY appreciated.

70s was right, that was really good Wumbo

Episode 6: Healthy Sleep

It's another morning in Patrick's apartment. Doug is pouring himself a cup of coffee, while Patrick and Sara are seated at the kitchen table.

Doug tastes the coffee and makes a face. "Blech... Sara, this is awful. Where'd you get it?"

"Oh, I was shopping when I noticed this new, healthier coffee. They call it... OrganiJava."

"I don't care what they call it, I want the regular brand," Doug replies indignantly.

"Oh, c'mon, Doug," Sara admonishes. "It won't hurt you to be healthier. Besides, it can't taste that bad."

Doug raises an eyebrow as he pours another cup for Sara. "Why don't you have a taste?" he suggests as he gives it to her.

Sara sips the coffee and struggles to withstand making a face. "Delicious," she chokes out.

"Well then, have my cup too," Doug insists.

Sara looks at Doug with a pained expression. She then rushes up to the coffeepot and dumps the rest into the sink.

Doug chuckles and nudges Patrick. "Cracked like an egg."

"Could you leave me be for a sec?" Patrick requests. "I'm trying to finish the Fiber-Bran Flakes she gave me."

Theme song plays.

---

Doug is looking inside the cupboard. "You changed the cereals, too?!" he exclaims.

"Oh, stop whining," Sara said. "You'll thank me for this later."

"But... but... where are my Froot Loops? I can't function without my Froot Loops!"

"You can't function with your Froot Loops, Doug." Sara rolls her eyes.

"Oh, great time to make smart remarks!" Doug shoots back distressfully. "You've turned this place into a nutbar!"

Swoosh cut to Sara welcoming Doug into the apartment for the first time. "Hi, come on in! I'm Sara."

Swoosh cut back. "Yeah, I guess it is indirectly my fault..." Sara agrees.

---

Patrick arrives at McCoral's early, mostly so he could get out of the way of Sara and Doug.

James calls all the employees to order. "Okay, team," he begins, "I've noticed that we seem to be tired lately. You guys need to get more sleep... hey, where's Ollie?"

Tyler sighs, and goes to get him. He brings out a sleepy Ollie. "Fell asleep," he states dryly.

"My point exactly," James says. "From now on, I'm going to call you guys at 10:00 on workdays to make sure you're at least getting ready for bed."

The staff looks stunned. Tyler finally speaks up. "Wow, sir," he comments. "I don't know whether to call you a control freak or just plain crazy."

"Call me what you like, but it's my job to attend to the health and well-being of my employees," James responds.

"Aaaaand... stalking us via phone is going to accomplish this... how?" Tyler asks.

"You should be going to bed at a reasonable time," James answers.

"This is just the beginning," Tyler says, addressing the rest of the employees. "Next, he'll be making us wear uniforms 'for our own good',"

"We already do wear uniforms, Ty," Ollie points out.

Tyler looks down at his uniform and turns pale. "It's worse than I thought."

"Settle down, Tyler," James cuts in. "I'm not trying to take over your lifestyle or anything. All I'm monitoring is your sleep pattern. Meeting adjourned."

Tyler looks back at James as he walks to the kitchen. "Tip of the iceberg," he warns.

James shakes his head. "Okay, he definitely needs more sleep," he proclaims.

---

Patrick comes home from a day at work. Doug is sleeping in his room, while Sara is going over her calculations.

"Oh, hello Patrick," she says. "Listen, would you mind coming shopping with me? It'll be faster with two."

"Well, okay," Patrick agrees.

---

Sara is driving the car to the grocery store, with Patrick in the passenger seat. "Thanks for doing this with me," she says to Patrick. "I'd ask Doug, but he's tired, and you know how he is about this health kick we're on..."

"Health kick?" Patrick asks, worried. "Is that gonna hurt?"

"No, Patrick," Sara chuckles. "If anything, it'll help."

Patrick smiles. "Okay, good. So I'm doing the kicking."

Sara looks at Patrick quizzically. "No, Patrick, nobody's doing any kicking."

"I wanna do some kicking, though!" Patrick whines.

Sara rolls her eyes. "Fine. You can kick Doug if he doesn't eat his vegetables. Kapiche?"

"Okay," Patrick agrees. They arrive at the grocery store.

---

Sara and Patrick are walking down the health foods aisle.

"Get that can of alfalfa sprouts for me, Patrick," Sara requests.

"Okay," Patrick says. He gets it, and puts it in the cart.

They walk down the aisle some more. Patrick asks, "Sara, what made you want to do this 'health kick' thing?"

Sara is a little taken aback by Patrick's question. "Well..."

Swoosh cut to Sara watching thin fish in bikinis on TV, as she eats chocolate ice cream. She sighs.

Swoosh cut back. "It doesn't hurt to have us eat better, okay?!" she snaps.

"Okay, okay," Patrick relents.

As they walk down the aisle, the atmosphere is more tense. Sara decides to break it by saying, "Patrick, why don't you run back and get me another can of those alfalfa sprouts?"

"Okay," Patrick says, running back.

Sara leans on her grocery cart and sighs.

---

Tyler is in his house, brushing his teeth. Suddenly, the phone rings.

His mother answers it. "Hello?"

"Hello, Tyler Sardino's mother?"

"Yes..." his mother answers.

"Is your son in bed yet?"

The mother grows edgy. "Who is this?!" she demands.

"James McCoral III, his boss," James answers. "I'm making sure that your son goes to bed at a reasonable time."

"Well, that's very considerate of you," the mother replies. "I don't think he's in bed yet, but I'll call him."

She puts down the reciever. "TYLER! GET TO BED!"

"Who's on the phone?" Tyler yells back.

"Your boss, now do what he says and get to bed!"

"I was just going to!" Tyler replies. He goes to bed grumpy.

"He's in bed now, Mr. McCoral," Tyler's mother says.

"Thank you, Mrs. Sardino. Have a nice evening," James replies. He hangs up.

---

Patrick is brushing his teeth, while Sara is in the kitchen, eating a bowl of almond-flavoured yogourt. The phone rings. "I've got it!" Sara says. She answers the phone. "Hello?"

"Hello, is Patrick Star there?"

"Yes, just a second," Sara says. "Patrick, it's for you!"

Patrick spits out his toothpaste and grabs the phone. "Hello?"

"Get to bed, Patrick," James says seriously.

"I was just brushing my teeth..." Patrick explains.

"I don't care. GET TO BED!" James yells.

Patrick hangs up, angry.

Sara overheard the yelling on the phone. She asks Patrick, "Who was that?"

Patrick answers, "My boss. I'm going to bed." He stomps off.

Meanwhile, James is sitting in his office, shocked by himself. "What's gotten into me?" he asks himself.

---

Sara is eating another bowl of almond yogourt for breakfast.

Doug walks by and makes a face. "You know, you can't live on that stuff forever," he states.

"I'm going to try," Sara answers as she takes another spoonful.

Doug sits down. "Seriously, Sara, what's up with the sudden health craze?"

"It's not a 'craze'! I'M NOT CRAZY!" Sara yells.

Doug backs off. "Yeah, because screaming in my face really drives that point home," he says sarcastically.

Sara calms down. "I'm sorry, Doug... you really wanna know the reason I'm doing this?"

"I'm all ears," Doug says. He then thinks about his statement. "Hey, that would be pretty cool if I were all ears. Like, literally..."

Sara snaps her fingers in front of Doug's face. "All ears, no brains," she says grouchily.

"I'm sorry, I'll listen," Doug answers.

Sara begins. "Well... it's becuase I want to be like those models on TV. You know, thin... sexy..."

Doug cuts her off. "Whoa, whoa. This whole thing started out of your insecurity? Miss Perfect finds a fault with herself? I've never seen this side of you before..."

"Finished with your sympathy?" Sara replies sarcastically.

Doug shakes his head. "Sara, listen... you don't need to feel this way about yourself, much as it makes you more of a real person." Sara seems indignant at this remark, but Doug continues. "I mean, I'm always trying to compete with you."

Sara looks sympathetic. "Aww, Doug... well, if it makes you feel better, I'll stop it with this whole health craze thing."

"Yes!" Doug exclaims. "That's the sentence I've been waiting for!"

"Wait, what?" Sara is confused.

"I knew if I sounded pathetic enough, you'd have to stop this craze."

One second, Sara looks as though she wants to strangle Doug, but the next, she is calm. She gets up and pats Doug on the shoulder. "Believe me, you don't have to try looking pathetic." She goes to the cupboard.

"Thanks, Sara," Doug replies proudly. He then realizes what Sara just said. "Hey...!"

---

James calls all of his employees together for another meeting.

"I'm sure you all recieved my call at 10:00," he says. "Well, some of you may have found me a bit cranky. Well, you'll be happy to know that there's going to be no more of that..."

Tyler throws up his hands. "Hallelujah!"

"...Because I've decided that it's just too much to ask of myself to monitor your sleep patterns," James concludes.

Tyler looks at James in disbelief. "Yeah, you're asking too much of yourself. Riiight."

"I trust that you people can work out your own sleep patterns," James replies.

"In that case, can I go home?" Ollie requests. "My pattern... uh, doesn't follow a specific rule."

"That's the idea now, Ollie," James replies. "Now everybody, back to your stations. Meeting adjourned."

As Tyler and Ollie walk back to the kitchen, Tyler nudges Ollie. "Awesome line about the patterns, bro."

"It was worth a try," Ollie grins.

---

Sara has cooked a big roast beef for Doug, Patrick, and herself.

"What, no vegetables?" Patrick asks.

Sara smiles. "Nope! The healthy foods are officially over!"

"Okay," Patrick says. He kicks Doug hard under the table.

"Ow! What the hell was that for?" Doug asks.

Sara whispers to Patrick, "The kicking thing is over, too."

"Aww..." Patrick moans.

Credits.

Patrick is having a spin off?

Notshane wrote:Patrick is having a spin off?

Created by a talented wumbologist.

Steel Sponge wrote:

Notshane wrote:Patrick is having a spin off?

Created by a talented wumbologist.

You're too kind.

New episode hopefully today, but probably next week.

Episode 7: Lace Test

Patrick is sitting on the couch, watching TV. Doug walks in the apartment, and joins him. "Whatcha watchin'?" Doug asks.

"TV," Patrick replies nonchalantly.

"Yeah, but what show?" Doug asks.

"Oh, it's just a game show. They call it 'Taste Test,'" Patrick says.

"Ah." Doug sits down next to him. "So I'm guessing they have to smell that food, huh?" he jokes.

Patrick looks blankly at him. "No... they have to taste it."

"Ah," says Doug. He then mutters to himself, "I waste my humour in this household..."

"What was that?" Patrick asks.

"Nothing," Doug says, but his face expression is still grim. He decides to shrug it off and change the subject. "So, do you watch this show often?"

"Oh, yeah!" Patrick replies enthusiastically. "It's my favourite show next to 'When Coconuts Attack'!"

"'When Coconuts Attack'?" Doug questions.

"Yeah, I have some episodes on tape, wanna watch?" Patrick offers.

"No, no, that's fine!" Doug says.

"Okay," Patrick replies. He mutters to himself, "I waste my humour in this household..."

"What was that?" Doug asks.

"Nothing!" Patrick replies.

Theme song plays.

---

Patrick and Doug are still watching "Taste Test", Patrick looking more entertained than Doug. Doug finally says, "I don't get it. All they've been doing is eating food. If I wanted to see that, I would have made you dinner."

"Could you?" Patrick asks.

"Nah, I can't really cook," Doug admits. "My point is, you could see this kind of thing happen anywhere."

Patrick stands up, insulted. "No you couldn't! This show is special!" He hugs the TV.

"I see why you like it, then," Doug quips.

Patrick takes this as a compliment. "Thanks, Doug. But now my arm feels static-y."

"Yeah, static electricity can do that," Doug responds, deadpan. Just then, Sara walks in, arms full of groceries.

"Oh, hey Sara," Patrick says.

"Hey Patrick, hey Doug..." Sara greets them. She then looks at the TV. "What are you guys watching?" she asks as she sets the groceries on the table.

"'Taste Test'," Patrick replies.

"Oh, is that the show where people feel surfaces and guess what it is?" Sara jokes.

Patrick looks at Sara in disbelief. "No... it's tasting food... you guys should have taken more science in high school," he condescends them.

"Did you take science in high school?" Doug demands.

"Seven or eight times," Patrick replies.

---

James McCoral is glaring out the window at his competition across the street, Maxine's. Lately, Maxine's has been getting twice as many customers as McCoral's, and James wants to figure out why. So he disguises himself, and goes there for lunch.

As he walks in, the hostess greets him with a smile. "Hello, welcome to Maxine's!" she says cheerfully. "We're a little overbooked at the moment, can you wait five minutes?"

"Sure..." James replies, stunned. His restaurant was never overbooked before.

After 5 minutes, the hostess leads him to a table and seats him. "Your waiter will be with you shortly," she tells him, still cheerful.

"Yes, thank you," James replies. The waiter comes by quickly. "Hi, I'm Rob, I'll be your server today. Can I interest you in any of the specials?"

"Ah, yes," James says, looking at the specials board. "I'll have your pinot noir, with roasted filet mignon."

"Excellent, sir." Rob writes it down on a notepad, then says, "Your wine will be here shortly."

After a lunch of excellent service and food, James is still trying to put his finger on what exactly makes this place so superior compared to McCoral's.

It then hits him when he looks at the napkins. "Lace?" he says.

---

Patrick walks in to work, and notices new napkins. "What the..." he says.

"You like 'em?" James asks. "I got them yesterday."

"But... why?" Patrick asks.

"Because I was looking for something that would put us on par with Maxine's," James explains. "And I think these napkins will do the trick."

Patrick walks over and picks one up. "But... they're so lace-y!" he complains.

James sighs. "Yes, Patrick. That's because they're made of lace."

"I don't care what they're made of, they're still too lace-y for me," Patrick insists.

"Well, you'll just have to deal with it," James replies firmly.

Tyler walks in next and notices the napkins as well. "What the...?" he exclaims.

James rolls his eyes. "You people have got to learn to roll with change better!" he scoffs.

"I'm fine with change, I'm not fine with you turning the workplace into Barbie's Dream House!" Tyler retorts.

"I hardly think changing the napkins is going to turn this place into 'Barbie's Dream House'," James says. "This isn't even a house!"

"Well, when you see Stacie and Skipper moving in, don't come crying to me!" Tyler trudges into the kitchen.

James looks at Patrick. "Stacie and Skipper?"

"Don't ask me." Patrick shrugs.

Tyler pokes his head out the window. "Stacie and Skipper are Barbie's sisters. Sheesh." He sticks his head back in.

James and Patrick look at each other in confusion.

---

Doug is at work, secretly watching videos of "Taste Test" on iTube instead of working. "Ooh, that's gotta sting!" he whispers to himself, seeing a contestant lose a lot of money.

Doug's co-worker Johnny walks by. "Hey Doug, do you have ESP or something?"

Doug quicky closes the iTube window. "N- no. Why do you ask?"

"Because I was just about to tell you about the horrible bee sting I got over the weekend, but it's almost if... you already knew," Johnny replies, saying the last part as if in a trance.

"Well, I think it was just a coincidence," Doug says, rolling his eyes. "Now, go back to your cubicle!"

Johnny smiles knowingly. "You're watching porn, aren't you?"

"No!" Doug snaps.

"'Cause it's all right if you are. I do it on occasion, too," Johnny whispers.

"I'm not watching porn!" Doug insists.

"Whatever you say..." Johnny says as he walks away.

Doug opens up the window again.

---

Doug and Sara arrive home at the same time. Doug immediately rushes to the couch to watch "Taste Test".

Sara looks at him pityingly. "Honestly, Doug, you're becoming obsessed with that show."

"No I'm not!" Doug insists. "Now, shh! You're gonna make me miss the opening."

"You're right, my mistake," Sara replies. "You ARE obsessed."

Doug looks back at Sara, annoyed. "Listen, you, if this rant makes me miss part of the episode..."

"Listen to yourself!" Sara insists. "It's 'Taste Test' this, and 'Taste Test' that! How long will it be before you get fired for doing this at work!"

Doug looks at her, shocked. "That's right, I know," Sara says. "I saw you watching it numerous times, I just never said anything."

"You didn't squeal, did you?!" Doug asks, terrified.

"No, of course not. I don't squeal," Sara says.

She looks at Doug menacingly. "But if you tune me out one more time, I'm singing like a canary."

Doug says, "But... but..."

"Oh, sorry, I never finished my sentence. I don't squeal... except for blackmail," Sara says, smirking. She goes to prepare supper.

---

Patrick walks up to a customer at McCoral's, and hands them the bill. "Thank you for dining at McCoral's," he says. He looks back over his shoulder to see James gesturing wildly at him.

"Oh, and... please take note of our lovely lace napkins," Patrick adds, reading off a cue card.

The customer looks at him strangely, pays the bill, and quickly runs out.

"No, no, no!" James snaps, marching up to Patrick. "You don't use the cue card! You have to say it like you mean it!"

"But I don't mean it," Patrick argues.

"I don't care, just speak as if you do!" James says, frustrated. He walks back.

Patrick sneers at him, and goes to the next table, who has just finished their meal. "Thank you for dining at McCoral's..."

---

Patrick is walking home, when Tyler catches up to him. "Listen, you and I both hate this 'napkins' thing, right?" he asks him.

"Right..." Patrick agrees.

"So, why don't we team up? We can get rid of those napkins in a heartbeat, you and me!" Tyler says confidently.

"But they're not in a heartbeat, they're in the restaurant," Patrick replies, confused.

"It's just a figures of speech," Tyler explains. "Look, all I'm saying is that we can get rid of those lace napkins fast, if we work together!"

"How?" Patrick asks.

"That's where you come in," Tyler explains.

"Oh, okay," Patrick replies. He thinks hard, until his face looks as if it's about to explode!

"Okay, okay!" Tyler says, stopping Patrick. "I'll make the plan."

Patrick catches his breath. "Whew, thanks! All that thinking was hard work!"

"I'm already sorry I did this," Tyler mutters.

---

Doug is watching the latest episode of "Taste Test" when Patrick comes in. "Hi, Doug," he says.

"Hey, Patrick," Doug tosses over his shoulder abently.

"Oh, you're watching Taste Test!" Patrick says cheerfully. "Can I watch too?"

"Sure, grab a seat," Doug replies.

Patrick sits down. "Ooh, kumquats! That's a tricky one!"

"I know, right?" Doug replies. "I don't even know what kumquats taste like."

Sara comes home. "Hey guys, since you like that show so much, I decided to do something special for dinner."

"Does it involve kumquats?" Doug asks.

"No..." Sara replies. "I've decided that you can taste test a new creation I make blindfolded, and since you've watched this show so much, you can probably tell me what it is."

"Sounds great!" Doug says. "You in, Patrick?"

"Yeah!" Patrick replies. "I always wanted to be a contestant on 'Taste Test', but this is the next best thing!"

"Good," Sara replies, smiling slyly.

"What's up with the smirk on your face?" Doug asks suspiciously.

"Oh... no reason," Sara replies.

"You sure? Because whenever they say 'oh... nothing' on TV, it turns out to be something, and something bad."

"Oh Doug, grow up," Sara scoffs. "This isn't TV. Now, I'm going to use someplace else to cook it, so you guys don't smell a thing before it's ready."

"Okay," Doug replies.

Swoosh cut to Sara, mixing garlic, chocolate, orange juice, and salmon together.

Swoosh cut back to Doug and Patrick. Sara walks in with a huge pot of the disgusting mixture. "All right boys, come and get it!" The walk over to the table, and Sara ties a blindfold around each of their heads.

"Now, I'm going to give you each a spoonful of my creation," Sara says. "You tell me what it is." Both Patrick and Doug appear to be uncontrollably excited.

"Doug, you first..." Sara takes a heaping spoonful of the mixture and sticks it into Doug's mouth.

Doug quickly spits it out all over the table. "Okay, I don't know what that is, but it's definitely NOT edible."

"Not... edible?" Patrick repeats, unaware those two words can exist in the same sentence.

"Why don't you taste it, Patrick?" Sara grins. She gets another spoonful and sticks it into his mouth.

Patrick smacks his lips nonchalantly. "Not bad... not bad. Could use more salt, though."

"Wh-what?" Sara asks.

"SALT, IT COULD USE MORE OF IT," Patrick says louder.

"No, I mean... you actually liked it?"

"I'm not sure," Patrick replies. "Put me down as a 'maybe'."

"Well, I don't know what happened to this guy's taste buds, but this has definitely put me off of anything to do with taste testing!" Doug asserts.

"Yes!" Sara claps her hands together gleefully.

Doug takes off his blindfold and looks at Sara suspiciously.

"I'm just... so happy that Patrick likes my dish!" Sara covers up. "At least someone has good taste."

Patrick pipes up. "Sara, I'm not sure 'like' is the right word..."

"Oh, hush up and have another spoonful," Sara says.

"Did you add salt?" Patrick asks hopefully.

"I'm getting some water," Doug says disgustedly. He goes to the sink.

Patrick, meanwhile, is sitting there with his mouth open. Sara sighs, and adds salt to her dish. She gives Patrick another spoonful.

Patrick swallows it and licks his lips. "Yep! It definitely needed salt!" he says cheerfully.

---

Patrick walks in to McCoral's. Tyler, who is in the kitchen, motions Patrick to come over through the window.

Patrick walks through the door. Tyler pulls him over. "Okay, so here's the plan," he whispers. "You know the box that holds the comment cards?"

"Yeah," Patrick replies.

"Well, James THRIVES on those comment cards. He reads every customer's opinion on the restaurant, then tries to change it according to what they say."

"So?" Patrick asks.

"Don't you see?!" Tyler explains. "If we write on a comment card that we hate the lace napkins, then James will remove them!"

"But... we're not customers," Patrick replies, struggling to comprehend.

Tyler facepalms. "You know what? I'll just do this myself. Just make sure to thank me later."

Patrick shouts, "Thank you!" as Tyler walks out.

Tyler covers his ears in disgust. He walks to the comment cards table discreetly. He steals several, and rushes back into the kitchen.

"Okay," he whispers to himself. "Now all I have to do is change my handwriting each time."

He writes on each comment card in different handwriting and with different phrasing. He then sneaks back to the comment card box and puts them all in.

He then goes back to the kitchen nonchalantly, noticing Patrick is still there. "What are you still doing here? Get back out there!"

"Yes, sir!" Patrick salutes. He rushes outside the restaurant, causing Tyler to facepalm for the second time today.

---

After the restaurant is closed, James takes the comment cards box and dumps it out. He picks up one, which was written by Tyler. "'I like your restaurant and everything, but why do you have such strange napkins? Surely there's nothing wrong with simple paper ones...'" He tosses it, somewhat disappointed. "Oh well, that's only one person. Let's read another."

"'Hey man, this restaurant has VIBES! Except the napkins. They're dragging your jazzy place down.'" He puts it down in disgust. "Do kids really speak like that nowadays?"

10 minutes later, James is looking more flustered as he goes through comment card after comment card, each written by Tyler. "I guess I have no choice," James says to himself. "If customers really dislike my napkins so much that they want to come to my house and kill my family, I guess I'll have to change them back."

---

Tyler walks in the next morning and looks at the napkins, seeing that they've been changed back to paper. "Woo-hoo!" he cheers, fist-pumping.

James walks out of his office. "Oh, don't look so smug," he says disgustedly. "I did this for my customers, not you."

"I don't care, at least this place won't be turning into Barbie's Dream Resort any longer!" Tyler declares gleefully.

James looks at him quizzically. "Man, you really gotta cool it with the Barbie references."

Tyler mocks him. "Okay, I'll 'cool it'. Don't 'get up in my grill'."

"Just being hip," James says, winking. He then saunters into his office.

Tyler wipes his brow. "Yeesh, maybe I overdid it on those comment cards."

---

IMO, the second best episode (first being Dish Jockey). Reviews please.

Episode 8: Decorating Cookies

Patrick lifts the cookie jar lid to see if there are any Christmas cookies. When he sees none, he puts down the lid in disgust.

Sara walks in, tired from work. "Hi, Patrick. How was your day?"

"It was a lot better before I came home!" Patrick sulks, crossing his arms indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Patrick," Sara says. "I should have told you that I just mopped the floor today. It's kind of slippery."

"What? No, not that!" Patrick explains. "It's almost Christmas and there aren't any Christmas cookies yet!"

Sara rolls her eyes. "Patrick, I hardly think *ASSIGNED DATE BY WUMBOLOGY* is 'close to Christmas'," she insists.

Patrick stares at her quizzically. "What happened to your voice, there?" he asks.

"Huh?" Sara asks.

"You know, when you were going to say the date but a guy's voice stepped in..." Patrick begins to explain.

Sara clamps a hand over his mouth. "I tell you what. You stop talking about that, and I'll make some Christmas cookies. Deal?"

Patrick nods. "Mmm-hmm..."

"Good." Sara takes away her hand and wipes her brow. "Phew!"

Patrick just stares at her. "So, are we going to make Christmas cookies or not?"

Theme song plays with jingle bells in the background.

---

Tyler walks up to McCoral's door, to find a wreath hanging on it. "Oh, brother..." he says.

Swoosh cut to Tyler in James's office. "What is it with you and changing up this restaurant every week?!" he demands.

James rolls his eyes. "If you're talking about the wreath, there's a little thing called 'Christmas' coming," he scoffs.

"Yeah! Hanukkah's coming up too, and I don't see a dreidel hanging above the door!"

James gets up from his chair quickly. "You're right. I should try and appeal to all customers. Wouldn't wanna offend anyone."

"No, that's not what I-" Tyler protests, as James walks out the door. "Where are you going?"

"To make a few phone calls," James replies.

He walks out the room and then realizes that his phone is in the office. He opens back up the door, to see Tyler talking on the phone to someone. "Well, then you'd better go catch it!" he cackles. He then hangs up.

"Who was that?" James demands.

"No one important," Tyler replies nonchalantly, walking out of the office.

Swoosh cut to Barack Obama, hanging up his phone. "Michelle, why don't we have Caller ID?" he asks.

"We do! Just look at the phone," Michelle replies off camera.

Obama looks at the phone. "James McCoral?" he utters in disgust.

Swoosh cut back to James's office, where the phone rings. James picks it up. "Hello?" he says. "Oh, good morning Mr. President..."

---

Sara brings home a huge bag of cookie dough and sets it on the table. "Okay, are you ready?" she asks Patrick.

Patrick looks at the dough in disgust. "Are you serious?" he asks.

"What? You're not ready?" Sara asks.

"No, I'm talking about this pathetic excuse for 'making cookies'. C'mon, Sara! Making Christmas cookies comes from the heart!"

"I thought it came from the bakery's oven," Sara replies dryly.

"Okay, I thought you might do this, so I've compiled a list of ingredients for you to get." Patrick starts reading aloud from the list. "Flour, sugar, milk..."

"Whoa whoa whoa," Sara stops him. "You thought I might do this?"

"Yeah, everybody cuts corners at Christmas sometimes," Patrick explains. "For you, it just happened to be in the cookie territory. Now, then..."

Sara grabs the list from him. "I'll just get the stuff we need," she replies.

"Don't forget the-!" Patrick begins to say. Sara shuts the door before he can say it, however. "...baking powder," he finishes. He then shrugs it off. "Aw, what am I worried about? Everyone knows how to make cookies!"

Swoosh cut to Sara frantically grabbing items from the list. "I don't know how to make cookies!" she says.

---

Tyler walks in McCoral's to see James standing there, sternly glaring at him. "Are you happy now?" he asks.

Tyler looks at him oddly. "Well, I wouldn't say 'happy'... I'm content," he replies.

"All right. Mr. Comedian," James says, frustrated. "Take a look around and tell me what you see... or rather, what you don't see."

Tyler gazes around the room. "I don't see a shrine dedicated to my wisdom, so... no change?"

"Look at the door, smart guy," James replies coldly.

"Smart guy? It's a start," Tyler admits. He then looks at the door. "Hey, the wreath's gone!"

"Yes," James says. "Would you like to know why?"

"Not really, but you're going to tell me anyway, so what the hell," Tyler replies.

"It's because of your prank call to the President," James replies. "Do you know how much money I had to cough up to prevent any legal trouble?"

"I'm guessing enough that you had to sell back the decorations," Tyler quips.

"So you're not a complete moron," James replies bitterly.

"Well, lighten up, boss. We don't need any decorations," Tyler says, trying to reason with him.

"Oh, I never said we weren't going to have decorations," James replies slyly.

"What do you mean?" Tyler asks suspiciously.

James puts a sash around Tyler's body. "Congratulations. In addition to being one of our fine cooks, you are also our official decoration maker."

Tyler looks at him blankly. "What."

"Hey, don't play dumb with me," James replies, now grinning. "It's obvious you wanted to get rid of the decorations because you wanted to make them yourself. Well, being a good boss, I am not going to squelch your ambitions." He shakes Tyler's hand.

Tyler pulls it away in disgust. "And what makes you think I'm going to make you a single ornament?"

"Well... it's very simple," James replies. "If you don't, I fire you. Sound simple enough?"

Tyler groans. "That's the spirit!" James replies joyfully. "Have fun with this new job." He walks into his office, but turns around to take one last look at Tyler. "You deserve it," he says, deadpan. He then shuts the door behind him.

Tyler looks at the door. "Well, that was creepier than it needed to be," he states.

---

Sara comes home with a bag of groceries, ready to bake cookies. "I'm home!" she calls to Patrick and Doug, who are watching TV.

"Did you get everything?" Patrick asks, perking up excitedly.

"Yes, Patrick," Sara chuckles. "Now, let's make some cookies!"

Patrick rushes over, probably faster than he's ever moved before. The word "cookies" catches Doug's attention as well. "You're making cookies?" he asks, surprised.

Sara, not wanting Patrick to know she can't make cookies, gives the "shush" symbol to Doug. "Why, yes Doug! I am making cookies!" she replies, winking while she speaks.

Doug throws his hands up in confusion.

"I'll be right back, Patrick," Sara tells him, who is busy rooting through the ingredients. She walks up to Doug. "Listen, he wanted to have Christmas cookies! What was I supposed to say? No?!"

"Yes!" Doug replies. "Neither of us know how to make cookies, and I'm pretty sure Patrick doesn't, either," he states.

"He always had Christmas cookies back in Bikini Bottom, he told me," Sara says. "How can I let him down after that?"

"By saying 'no'," Doug replies dryly.

Sara groans exasperatedly. "Well, just don't tell Patrick. I want to go with the flow and see if cookies happen... by accident."

"Hey!" Patrick calls. "You forgot the baking powder!"

Sara tenses up. Doug grins. "Nice flowing," he quips. "You'd better go talk to him."

Sara walks into the kitchen. "What do you mean I forgot the baking powder?" she argues. "It wasn't even on the list!"

"I forgot to put it on," Patrick admits. "But c'mon, everybody knows you need baking powder to make cookies!"

Sara blushes. "Um, yes, well, I'll just head back to the store, then," she replies, embarrassed. She hurries out the door.

Patrick walks into the room where Doug is. "Does Sara know how to make cookies?" he asks.

"I've been told she does," Doug replies.

---

Sara is at the store. She grabs a can of baking powder, and rushes to the nearest counter. She feels responsible for what happened, and wants to hurry back with the baking powder.

The clerk scans her baking powder. "Why the rush?" she asks.

"Oh... no reason," Sara lies. "Just... thought I'd work on my cardio."

The clerk nods in an uninterested sort of way. "That'll be $1.99."

"I mean, it's not like I don't know how to make cookies or anything," Sara continues frantically.

"Uh-huh. $1.99."

"I mean, who doesn't know how to make cookies?!" Sara continues.

"$1.99," the clark repeats, growing irritated.

Sara breaks out of her rant. "Sorry, how much is it?" she asks.

"Five dollars," the clerk replies, peeved.

"Geez..." Sara complains, pulling out her wallet. "It sure is expensive to make cookies... which I know how to do."

"Uh-huh," the clerk replies.

Sara takes the baking powder and smiles. "Have a nice day!"

"Too late," the clerk mutters.

The next person in line is Tyler. He throws an array of Christmas decorations on the counter. "How much for all of this crap?" he asks.

---

Tyler arrives at McCoral's the next day, with a box full of decorations. He notices James just walking out of his office. "Hel-lo, boss," he greets cheerfully.

"Why are you so chipper?" James asks suspiciously.

"I guess your pep talk just really got me into the Christmas spirit," Tyler replies. "Just look at all the decorations I made last night!" He shows James the contents of the box.

James looks inside the box and smiles. "I have to admit, Tyler, you really outdid yourself with these decorations."

"It wasn't easy to outdo myself, believe me," Tyler quips.

James pulls out a new Christmas wreath. "We can hang this on the door!" he proclaims. He notices Ollie walking in to work. "Hey, Ollie! Come take a look at these decorations Tyler made!"

Tyler begins to sweat. "Uhh... no... that's all right, boss..." he stammers.

"Nonsense, Tyler," James admonishes. "Others need to see your talent!"

Tyler gulps as Ollie looks into the box. He gives Tyler a thumbs up. "Pretty good, dude," he says. He walks into the kitchen.

Tyler sighs with relief. "I overestimate the intelligence of these people," he chuckles to himself.

---

Patrick comes home from work, with Sara on the couch. "Hey, Sara..." he greets. "Are we gonna make the cookies today?"

Sara sits up rapidly as though jolted with electricity. "Yes! Cookies! Of course!" she answers. She rushes up to the kitchen.

Patrick looks at her expectantly, but Sara is not sure of what to do first. Patrick finally supplies her with the answer. "Aren't you going to wash your hands?"

"Oh! Of course!" Sara frantically washes her hands.

"Now, then... I'll get the mixing bowls." Patrick goes to the cupboard.

Sara sighs with relief. Maybe Patrick will get so wrapped up in making the cookies, she wouldn't have to do it!

Patrick gets out all the supplies needed then leaves Sara. "You're all set!" he proclaims. "I'm going to watch some When Coconuts Attack."

Sara's mouth is gaping open. She realizes there's no time to lose. She has to make these cookies!

She starts off by dumping the entire bag of flour into one of the mixing bowls. She then adds some milk and begins to stir. After she's done stirring, she adds a stick of butter in the mix, and stirs again.

A time card pops up with "2 HOURS LATER" written on it. Patrick walks up. "Aren't you done those yet... Oh, my God."

The kitchen is covered with flour, butter, milk, and all the other ingredients, with a sobbing Sara standing in the middle of it all. "What happened?" Patrick asks.

"Oh, Patrick..." Sara sobs. "I can't make cookies!"

Patrick gasps. "Then why didn't you just say so?"

"I thought you'd be disappointed," Sara explains. "I mean, Christmas cookies was one of your traditions back in Bikini Bottom."

"I'm not disappointed! Now I finally get to teach someone else to do something!" Patrick says, thrilled.

"Whatever tickles your fancy... and keeps me from baking cookies," Sara replies.

---

Tyler walks in to the restaurant the next morning, guilt-stricken over this whole decorations fiasco.

James walks up to Tyler again and slaps him on the back. "Once again, Tyler, I must congratulate you on the-"

"OKAY! THAT'S ENOUGH!" Tyler explodes. James steps back, taken aback. "Sorry... sorry..." Tyler apologizes. He then decides that he has to tell him. "Listen, boss... I just want to say that I never made those decorations. I just bought them from the grocery store."

"Hmm..." James rubs his chin. He then quickly pulls out a stopwatch and presses a button. He yells back into the kitchen, "24 hours and 37 seconds!"

Tyler is bewildered. "What?"

Ollie walks out of the kitchen. "We all knew you weren't going to make your own decorations..."

"...So I timed you on how long it would take before you confessed," James chuckles.

Tyler is still taken aback. "So... you knew I was lying?"

"Well, considering I more or less bought the same decorations for my house, it was fairly obvious," James scoffs.

Tyler crosses his arms. "Well, I'm definitely not making any decorations now!"

"You don't have to," James laughs. "Seeing you squirm like that was enough to let you off the hook."

"Ha-ha." Tyler walks into the kitchen.

Patrick walks into the restaurant with a tin. "Who wants cookies?" he offers.

Ollie rushes to get one, but trips on a fallen ornament. James facepalms in the background.

"Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time" by Paul McCartney ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6o8-eLZhrOA ) plays over the credits.

Episode 9: Sick Holidays

James is waiting for his employees to arrive at McCoral's. Patrick is the first to walk in. "Good morning, Patrick..." James greets him.

"Good morning," Patrick responds.

Ollie is the next to walk in. "Good morning, Ollie..." James greets him.

"Good morning..." Ollie responds.

Ronald and Susie walk in together. "Good morning to you both," James says.

"Morning," they say simultaneously.

James sighs. "Where is Tyler?" he asks.

"Oh, he called my house before work," Ollie replies. "Said he couldn't make it today. He said he was sick."

"This is the fourth time this week!" James exclaims. "He's not sick! He's just faking it!"

"I dunno, he sounded pretty sick over the phone..." Ollie replies.

Swoosh cut to Tyler playing his recorded voice in a faulty tape recorder over the phone. "And I *kssh* don't think I'll *hack* be able to make it into *static*"

Ollie is on the other end. "Work?" he asks.

Static continues, so Ollie hangs up.

Swoosh cut back. "I'm kind of worried about him..." Ollie says. "When his voice turned into static, I decided I should let him rest."

Theme song plays.

---

Doug wears a grouchy face as he trudges into work. The holidays are over, and he is not happy.

"Good morning..." the secretary looks up at him to see his grouchy face. "...Mr. Sunshine."

"Yeah, what's so good about it?" Doug complains. He trudges to his cubicle, sits down, and sighs.

Johnny walks by. "Good morning, Doug!" he says cheerfully.

"What are you so perky about?" Doug grumbles.

"Oh, I just had a great holiday," Johnny replies. "Didn't you?"

Doug spins around in his chair. "Yeah... that's the problem."

Johnny is confused. "I don't follow."

"You have a great holiday, a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah, whatever..." Doug explains. "Then, boom. You're back in the workplace, working your ass off once again, your great Christmas memories... well, just being memories."

Johnny ponders this. "Gee, I never thought of it like that..." he says. "In fact, I'm starting to hate the holidays now! Thanks a lot, Doug!" He trudges off.

"You're welcome!" Doug calls. He leans back in his chair, satisfied. "Ahh... misery loves company," he sighs.

---

After a week of being away from work, Tyler walks in nonchalantly. "Good morning, all," he states. "Nice to know this place didn't burn down without me. And by 'nice', I mean 'disappointing'."

"Hello, Tyler." James says. "That must have been quite the week of sickness." He grins sinisterly.

Tyler looks at him quizzically. "Uh... yeah. Are those fumes going off in your office again?"

"It's a shame that you don't have any more sick days left," James continues.

Now Tyler is paying attention. "What are you talking about? Sick days are unlimited here."

"Not anymore," James replies seriously. "I know when I'm being taken advantage of. From now on, each employee gets... how many sick days did you have this year?"

"142," Tyler replies, obviously making up a number.

"I thought you might not cooperate," James says. "So I'm just going to go through my folders."

Tyler begins to sweat with anxiety as James flips through the folders. "Let's see... January 4th, the 24-hour bug."

"So?" Tyler insists.

James narrows his eyes. "January 5th... turned out to be 48-hour bug."

"It's very hard to differentiate the two," Tyler insists.

"January 7th... temporary Alzheimer's?" James questions.

Tyler chuckles. "Not my best work... I mean, it's very serious."

"Yeah... almost as serious as the kangaroo pox you had on the 8th," James replies sarcastically.

"I picked it up on my vacation to Australia," Tyler insists.

"That was 2 years ago!" James yells.

"Remember, they're one day ahead of us," Tyler replies.

James closes the book. "So now do you see why I'm putting this rule into effect?"

"Because you have no respect for odd diseases?" Tyler replies.

"Because you've abused the privilege of sick days!" James replies. "I don't even want to know what you had all this week."

"Yeah, some things are better left unsaid," Tyler agrees.

James narrows his eyes. "On second thought, what did you have?"

"Koala pox," Tyler replies.

James sighs and walks back into his office.

"Be careful if you ever go to Australia!" Tyler calls.

---

Doug is moping around the house, and Sara is getting sick and tired of it.

"Look, get over yourself," she finally says. "The holidays are over, you're back to the old grind, deal with it."

"Perhaps you haven't noticed, but I'm not particularly fond of my job," Doug replies.

"Really?" Sara says sarcastically.

Doug grumbles. "Stupid holidays. Who came up with them anyway? They just end up setting you up for disappointment when they're over." He then gets an idea. "That's it! I'll make my own holiday!"

"You're going to try to make a national holiday that the entire world is going to adhere to... just because you're feeling depressed."

"Oh no, Sara," Doug explains. "This is a personal holiday. I'm going to call it... Doug Day! Wanna know why I'm calling it that?"

"Because your brain is too shallow to think of anything else?" Sara quips.

"Ye- no," Doug frowns. He then brightens up again. "Because this DAY, DOUG will do whatever he wants."

"I see you've thought hard about the wordplay," Sara comments sarcastically.

Doug doesn't detect the sarcasm. "Thanks, Sara." He smiles warmly.

"Anytime," Sara replies.

---

Tyler is in the kitchen cooking with Ollie. "This sucks!" he blurts out.

"Yeah, you actually have to go to your job. I pity you." Ollie rolls his eyes.

"You don't understand, Ollie. Me and James... we had something when I didn't show up to work everyday. It was mutual respect."

"Where is the 'mutual respect' coming from with you not showing up every day and faking sicknesses?" Ollie demands.

"He respects my decision to not come to work... and... and..." Tyler struggles to think. "Okay, maybe it's more of a one-sided respect, but we had something good!"

"Good for you," Ollie reminds him.

Tyler nods. "But now... it's gone."

"Well, I hope I don't sound like a heartless bastard when I say thaty I feel no sympathy for you," Ollie says dryly.

"And I hope I don't sound like I'm inviting you to sink your teeth into my arm when I say 'Bite me'," Tyler snaps.

---

Sara's alarm clock goes off, and she gets up and gets ready for work. However, Doug is still sleeping, and he didn't even bother to set his alarm clock. Sara opens his door. "Doug! Wake up!" she shouts.

Doug gets up groggily. "Sara, it's Doug Day," he insists.

"Look, I get that you're going through your mid-holiday crisis or whatever, but enough's enough," Sara replies. "Get up and get ready!"

"Sorry, Sara," Doug says, resting his head back on the pillow. "It would be unpatriotic of me to work on a national holiday."

"Since when did your bedroom become an entire nation?" Sara quips.

"Joke if you want, but news is spreading fast about Doug Day," Doug replies. "I even went out to put up signs."

Swoosh cut to a piece of paper with "Doug Day" written on it in crayon blowing around an alley. A hobo grabs it and uses it as a napkin to hold his sandwich on.

Swoosh cut back. "I wouldn't be surprised if people around the world were celebrating Doug Day at this rate!" Doug says. He pauses. "Okay, maybe that would be a little shocking."

Sara rolls her eyes. "Well, I hope you'll be satisfied when your boss asks where you are, and I have to answer, 'He's taking Doug Day off'." She then realizes something else. "Hey, where's Patrick?"

Patrick stumbles out of his room, rubbing his eyes. "Could you keep it down, please? I'm trying to celebrate Doug Day."

Sara stares at Patrick in disbelief, who says, "What? It's sweeping the nation!"

Swoosh cut to a janitor sweeping a crumpled piece of paper into a trash bin.

Swoosh cut back. "Or the nation's sweeping it, I'm not sure which," Patrick says. "Anyway, happy Doug Day!" He walks back into his room and shuts the door.

Sara glares at Doug, who shrugs his shoulders. "What can I say? He's a believer!"

Sara stomps off to get ready for work.

---

Tyler comes in to work, appearing very sick. He appears to have pinkeye, he is coughing a lot, and he has a rash on his arm.

"M-morning, boss..." Tyler says weakly. "I-I'm really sick, but I still came into w-work, like you asked..."

James crosses his arms. "So now you're really sick."

"Yes, sir," Tyler coughs.

"No koala pox or temporary Alzheimer's?" James asks skeptically.

"None of that," Tyler replies.

"So, if you're really sick, then I'm guessing that... THIS SHOULDN'T COME OFF!" He rubs a finger against Tyler's rash, which comes off easily.

Tyler looks at his "rash" sheepishly. "Well, would you look at that! I'm cured!" He hugs James. "Thank you, Medicine Man!" He rushes into the kitchen.

James scratches his forehead. "Maybe I should be looking into that dementia thing..."

---

At 10:00 AM, both Doug and Patrick finally decide to get out of bed, Doug yawns and stretches his arms. "I tell ya, Patrick- this holiday was the best idea I ever had."

"I'm with you, Doug," Patrick replies. "Holidays rock! No worries, no responsibilities... just you and me hanging out all day!"

Doug chuckles, but then begins to think about this...

In Doug's head, he and Patrick are watching "When Coconuts Attack." Patrick is laughing hysterically, while Doug struggles to show amusement, for the sake of Patrick.

Then at lunchtime, Patrick makes a meal for Doug. "Because this day was your idea, I want you to be the first to try my creation!"

Doug's stomach growls as he eagerly waits for his meal, but his appetite diminishes when he sees what Patrick has created, resembling blue glop with orange chunks, eyeballs, and tentacles sticking out. His nausea rises.

Then they are watching "When Coconuts Attack" again, with Patrick laughing hysterically, and Doug struggling harder to feign amusement.

Then Patrick is showing Doug his drool collection. "This little beauty originated in around '98..." he says, holding up a container of drool. He points to it. "If you look close enough, you can see that it's starting to grow moldy." Doug's nausea rises again.

Then they are watching "When Coconuts Attack" yet again, with Doug asleep and Patrick rolling on the floor laughing hysterically.

Cut back to Doug. "That show is NOT FUNNY!" he yells.

Patrick is taken aback. "What?"

"I, uh, mean..." Doug struggles to get out of this. He looks at his watch. "Oh my, would you look at the time!" He puts his hand on Patrick's shoulder. "Unfortunately, Doug Day is over."

Patrick is even more taken aback. "WHAT?"

"Oh, didn't I mention it?" Doug asks innocently. "Doug Day ends at..." he looks at his watch. "10:02. Well it's been fun, Patrick, but unfortunately, we're going to have to go to work now."

"Aww!" Patrick moans.

Dog puts on his jacket and mouths "phew".

---

Tyler comes in, still wearing the pinkeye makeup and what's left of his "rash". "Didn't work," he grumbles.

Ollie ignores him and continues to prep.

"What?" Tyler inquires. "Don't you even want to know?"

"Frankly, I don't," Ollie tells him.

"Well, I'll tell you anyway," Tyler says. Ollie rolls his eyes. "I tried to fake sick in order to have James stop this 'no sick day' madness, but he saw through my ruse."

"Ty, I've told you before, I feel no sympathy for you," Ollie says matter-of-factly.

"I thought you might say that," Tyler grumbles.

"Am I that predictable?" Ollie teases.

Patrick walks in to the restaurant, sad. "Stupid Doug Day," he mutters.

James walks up to him sternly. "Hello, Patrick," he says. "May I ask why you're late?"

"It's Doug's fault," Patrick blurts out.

"Doug?" James questions.

"Yeah, my roommate," Patrick sighs. He then proceeds to tell James the story of Doug Day.

James, not quite comprehending what Patrick said, just replies, "O-kay. Just don't let it happen again."

"Don't worry, I won't," Patrick replies.

---

Doug walks in to his office, relieved that he doesn't have to spend all day with Patrick.

Sara notices him, and is surprised to see him there. "Huh?" she questions. "I thought you were taking your holiday off."

"There are worse things than work, Sara," Doug insists. "Like spending an entire day with you-know-who, for instance."

Sara nods. "I see."

"BLAIR!" The boss stomps up to him. "You're 2 and a half hours, 3 minutes, and 30 seconds late!"

"You counted down to the second?" Doug asks in disgust.

"I want to make sure I get the precise amount of overtime you owe me," Doug's boss snarls.

Doug brightens up. "You mean... I get an extra 2 and a half hours, 3 minutes, and 30 seconds without Patrick?!"

The boss looks at him strangely. "Uhh... yeah. Maybe you should just go back home, you seem delirious."

"Nonsense!" Doug insists. "I arrived late, so I deserve to work late!" He skips off to his cubicle.

The boss scratches his head while Sara looks on.

---

James wakes up the next morning, feeling terrible. His head is pounding, he has a fever, and his stomach is cramping up. "Ohh, God..." he groans.

Swoosh cut to Tyler answering his phone. "Yes?" he answers groggily.

"Hey, Tyler?" James says weakly. "I'm lifting the ban on sick days."

Tyler smiles. "It's bad when it's happening to you, isn't it?"

"Don't rub it in," James groans. "Anyway, get to work. I'm sending in a replacement manager."

"Oh, I wish I could, James..." Tyler says, suddenly coughing. "But I just recently got..."

"Don't tell me. Wallaby pox?" James says in disgust.

"How'd you know?" Tyler asks.

"Lucky guess," James sneers. He hangs up.

---

Probably the best episode I've done thus far, IMO.. Reviews appreciated, as always.

Episode 10: Closed Friends

Patrick is walking down the street, when he passes by someone who looks a lot like SpongeBob, minus the fact that he has a mustache.

"Hey! SpongeBob! How'd you get here? Where'd you get that disguise?" Patrick says.

"SpongeBob" turns around, with an annoyed look on his face. "Who the hell are you?" he asks, with a raspier voice than SpongeBob.

"Oh, cool!" Patrick says. "You even got something to change your voice!"

"SpongeBob" looks at Patrick strangely. "Listen, buddy, I don't know what you've been smoking, but I've never seen you before in my life."

"Sure you haven't." Patrick winks and nudges him. "So, you staying in disguise to fit in with us 'big city' people?" He laughs.

"SpongeBob" just gapes at him, then walks away quickly.

"Wait!" Patrick walks after him. "They have a jellyfishing arena here!"

Theme song plays.

---

Patrick comes home after a day at work, looking depressed. Doug notices this, as he sits at the table with his coffee. "What's eatin' ya, Pat?"

"Nothing," Patrick replies sadly.

"Oh, come on," Doug replies. "Let it out."

"Well..." Patrick begins.

"Say no more," Doug interrupts him.

"Really?" Patrick replies, surprised. "You know my problem already?"

"No, I just decided I don't want to hear it," Doug replies.

Sara turns around on the couch and glares at Doug. "Come on, Patrick," she coaxes. "You can tell me."

"Well..." Patrick begins again. "I saw my friend SpongeBob in disguise. I don't know why he was in disguise, but he must have had some kind of plan...

An image of a clock appears as Patrick goes on. "...and really, there are a LOT of things you can do with a disguise..."

...and on... "...Superman had a disguise, and he fooled EVERYone..."

and on... "...I mean, what kind of superhero uses spider powers? I've always found that to be a bit far-fetched...."

"GET TO THE POINT!" Sara and Doug both yell.

Patrick appears startled, but gets to the point. "Well, he acted really hostile towards me. Like he didn't wanna be my friend anymore."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Patrick," Sara replies.

Patrick nods sadly. "Now I'm sure that my old life is gone..." He bursts into tears.

Doug rushes up and puts a hand on Patrick's shoulder. "Listen, Patrick..." he begins. "You don't know that SpongeBob doesn't like you anymore. Why, this could have just been a bad day for him."

Patrick sniffles back tears. "You really think so?"

"Yeah! Now go out there and try to find him again!" Doug cheers.

"All right! Thanks, Doug!" Patrick runs out the door.

Sara looks at Doug. "Wow, Doug - I've never seen this side of you before."

Doug grabs a rag. "Well, I had to do something... his tears were making the table wet."

---

Patrick is walking down the street, looking for "SpongeBob". Suddenly, he sees him across the street.

"SpongeBob! SpongeBob!" Patrick runs across the street to meet him.

"SpongeBob" notices Patrick chasing after him and begins to run.

"Ha-ha-ha!" Patrick laughs. "This is just like old times, huh buddy?"

"SpongeBob" stops. He thinks to himself, "If I keep on running away, I'm giving him what he wants." He sighs, and turns around. "Stop," he says to Patrick.

Patrick obliges. "What's up, buddy?" he asks.

"Listen..." "SpongeBob" says. "I've told you before that I am not this 'SpongeBob' character you keep talking about. Yet you insist on... well, insisting... that I am. So I've come to the conclusion that there is something wrong with you."

The joy diminishes from Patrick's face. "Huh?" he asks.

"Come," "SpongeBob" tells him. "Let's get you to a doctor." He leads Patrick to a doctor's office.

Patrick is both confused and hurt by "SpongeBob's" actions. "Hey, buddy?" he asks. "W-what are you doing?"

"SpongeBob" grunts in frustration. "I just told you, i'm taking you to a doctor," he insists.

"SpongeBob, what's happened to you?" Patrick begins to cry.

"SpongeBob" wipes tears off of his suit. "All right! All right! If I come over to your place for dinner, will you stop crying?"

Patrick's face instantly brightens. "All right, SpongeBob! We can catch up!'

"Yes, I imagine we would have a lot of catching up to do," "SpongeBob" quips.

---

Tyler is relaxing in the kitchen, reading a magazine. "Business is booming," he quips.

Ollie is cleaning pans. "You know, the least you could do is help me out here," he grumbles.

"No, the least I could do is this," Tyler says, continuing to read his magazine.

Ollie drops a pan on the floor. "Damn it!"

James pushes the kitchen door open. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Who's got the garbage mouth?" he asks.

"Sorry, sir," Ollie says sheepishly.

"Come on, Ollie!" James admonishes. "We don't want to upset the customers."

Ollie loses his patience. "WHAT customers?!" he yells at James.

James is taken aback by Ollie's outburst, but says, "Yeah, I guess you're right. Business hasn't exactly been booming lately."

"Hey, were you eavesdropping on my sarcasm?" Tyler pipes up.

James ignores him and says, "We need to find a way to bring in customers."

"How about changing the sign from 'closed' to 'open'?" Tyler suggests.

James looks back, and sees that the sign does indeed say 'closed'. "You knew that all this time?!" he yells.

"Maybe," Tyler replies.

---

Doug is sitting on the couch while Sara makes dinner. They hear a knock at the door.

Sara looks to Doug to answer it, seeing as she has her hands full, but Doug continues to read his magazine.

Sara sighs. "I'll get it!" she says, making sure Doug catches the annoyance in her voice.

"Well, it's about time," Doug comments.

Sara glares at Doug, but opens the door. "Hi, Patrick!" she greets. She notices "SpongeBob" next to him. "And you must be SpongeBob," she says.

"Yes, apparently," "SpongeBob" says. "Now, are you going to show me in or shall we eat dinner by the doorstep?"

Sara is a bit put off by "SpongeBob's" rudeness, but invites him in anyway. "Care to sit down?" she invites.

"No, I thought I'd sit on the floor and eat," "SpongeBob" fires back rudely. He sits down.

Sara doesn't want to say anything rude about Patrick's friend in front of Patrick, but it's so hard for her not to. "Doug, come meet our guest," she insists.

"You mean this cramped little apartment is enough for three people?" "SpongeBob" inquires. "What, do you sleep in a triple bunk bed?"

Doug pokes his head up. "Oh, hey," he says to "SpongeBob".

"Well, I guess one of you has to sleep on there, huh?" "SpongeBob" comments. "So, what are you making me?"

"Well, I was thinking of roast beef at first," Sara sneers, "But now I'm thinking we should have jerk chicken?"

"Are you insinuating something?" "SpongeBob" narrows his eyes at her.

"Of course not!" Sara says in mock surprise.

"Do you even know what 'insinuating' means?" "SpongeBob" smirks.

"OF COURSE I DO!" Sara explodes. "NOW, GET OUT OF HERE!"

Patrick gasps and rushes up to his "friend". "Sara! I'm surprised at you!" he admonishes.

"I'm surprised at you, Patrick!" Sara insists. "HOW can you be friends with such a... jerk?!"

"Ah-ha! I knew you were insinuating something!" "SpongeBob" declares.

"Yeah? Well, 'insinuate' your way out of here!" Sara points to the door.

"Are you sure you know what 'insinuate' means?" "SpongeBob" asks.

"GET! OUT!" Sara yells.

Patrick grabs "SpongeBob" and walks out the door with him. "Come on, pal! Let's go somewhere where we're appreciated!" They walk out, and Sara shuts the door behind them.

Doug raises an eyebrow. "Sheesh... where are they gonna go?"

"I don't know," Sara sighs. "I can't think of many places that would appreciate him."

"Come on Sara, he's not that stupid," Doug replies.

"No! I mean his terrible excuse for a friend. I'm surprised he has any at all!"

Doug thinks for a second, then replies to Sara. "Okay, just to be clear... we're talking about Patrick, right?"

Sara facepalms in frustration, then storms out of the room.

Doug looks back. "So, when are you gonna make that jerk chicken?" he asks.

---

Patrick and "SpongeBob" are walking aimlessly down the street. Patrick keeps trying to put his arm around "SpongeBob", but he always takes it off. "Come on, SpongeBob, it's just like old times," Patrick tells him.

"SpongeBob" loses his patience. "Don't you get it, you infernal pink blob?! There were no 'old times' with us! The only reason I came to dinner with you is so you would stop blubbering! Now... leave me alone!" He storms off.

Patrick is standing in the cold snow, crying. "Why Can't We Be Friends" by War begins to play: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRGd0gD0QNE

---

Tyler is sitting in the kitchen, reading a magazine. He then loses his patience. He yells out the kitchen window to Patrick, "Would you turn that stupid song off?!" he yells.

"Sorry," Patrick says gloomily. He turns it off.

Tyler notices that there's something wrong with Patrick. So he asks, "Is anything wrong?"

"I just lost my best friend," Patrick replies.

Tyler shows genuine concern. "Oh, Patrick... I'm so sorry..."

Ollie looks at him skeptically. "Since when are you all empathetic?" he asks.

"Well I'm sorry, Ollie, but this isn't like that time you burned both hands on the grill."

"I still have burn marks from it, by the way," Ollie says bitterly.

Tyler ignores him. "This is a death," he says.

"Death? Oh no, he's not dead," Patrick replies. "I just..."

Tyler walks out of the kitchen up to Patrick, and places a hand on his shoulder. "Yes. That's exactly the right attitude. He's not dead if you still have memories."

"But he's really not dead..." Patrick protests.

Tyler wipes back a teat. "What a trooper," he says. He goes back into the kitchen.

James walks out of his office. "Oh, don't tell me I forgot to switch the sign again," he grumbles.

"That was the plan from the beginning," Tyler smirks.

James glares at him. He then turns to Patrick. "Hey Patrick, when you come in every morning, could you turn the sign to the way it should be? I seem to keep forgetting lately."

"Sure," Patrick replies.

"Thanks," James says. He turns the sign from "open" to "closed", then walks back into his office.

Tyler runs up to Patrick, looking distressed. "Don't do it," he says.

"Huh?" Patrick asks.

"Don't switch the sign! I always get here before you, and I switch it so it's closed!" Tyler explains.

"Why do you do that?" Patrick asks.

"Isn't it nice not to work for the first few hours or so of the day?" Tyler asks.

"I guess..." Patrick replies.

"Good! So you underst- Ah, forget it. I'll just have to double-check it," Tyler says.

"Okay," Patrick replies, still a little confused.

Tyler walks back into the kitchen, grumpy, while Ollie is amused. "So I guess the 'death of a friend' ship has sailed, huh?" he smirks.

"Oh, shut up," Tyler scoffs.

---

Back in Bikini Bottom, SpongeBob is at the Krusty Krab, doing what he does best: making Krabby Patties. But ever since Patrick left, the food has been sub-par.

Mr. Krabs is noticing the dropoff in customers. "Mr. Squidward, where have all me customers gone?" he asks.

"I don't know, but this is the most relaxing time I've had working here," Squidward says, obviously enjoying the dropoff.

Mr. Krabs notices a customer eating a Krabby Patty, looking bored. He runs up to him. "So... uhhh.. how's that Krabby Patty?" he asks.

"Eh, it's okay, but I've had better. In fact, the food hasn't been as good lately. I think I'm going to try the Chum Bucket." The customer puts down his half-eaten sandwich and leaves.

"Waaaiiit! Don't go!" Mr. Krabs grabs the customer's leg, but then he asks, "Wait a second... did you pay already?"

"Oh yeah, I want my money back," the fish says.

"MONEY BACK?!" Mr. Krabs explodes.

The fish stares at him. "...Yeah. Can I please have it back?"

Mr. Krabs opens the kitchen door to a glum SpongeBob. "SpongeBob! What's the meaning of you servin' up mediocre food?" Mr. Krabs demands.

"Sorry, sir," SpongeBob says, teary-eyed. "I guess my life just hasn't been the same since... Patrick left." He starts to cry.

"Boy..." Mr. Krabs walks up to SpongeBob and puts a claw around him. "I know it's been tough without Patrick. Especially for me wallet. But you can't let a little sadness get in the way of your job! D'you understand?"

"I guess so, sir," SpongeBob sniffles, wiping a tear away from his eye. Then, out of the blue, he begins to BAWL. The Krusty Krab starts filling up with SpongeBob's tears, sending everybody (including Squidward) out of the restaurant.

"Okay! Okay!" Mr. Krabs says, offering SpongeBob a handkerchief. "You can go to this New Kelp City to visit Patrick."

SpongeBob sniffles. "But sir, who will make the Krabby Patties?"

"No worries son, I can just get that one guy from *Welcome to the Bikini Bottom Triangle* to help us," Mr. Krabs says, his voice sounding weird and his mouth frozen when he says the episode's title.

SpongeBob wipes back his last few tears and hugs Mr. Krabs. "Thanks, Mr. K.," he says sweetly.

"No problem," Mr. Krabs says. "Now get out of here before you start cryin' again."

SpongeBob gleefully skips out of the Krusty Krab, accidentally stepping on Squidward and a few customers along the way.

Mr. Krabs walks out of the kitchen to find everybody lying on the ground in front of the Krusty Krab. He iopens the front door. "Mr. Squidward! I ain't payin' ya to lie down on the job!"

Squidward just groans.

---

Patrick is sitting gloomily at the kitchen table. Sara tries to cheer him up. "Aw, Patrick - You don't need friends like that! This is better for you."

"You don't understand, Sara," Patrick insists. "He was my best friend in Bikini Bottom. And now... it's like we never knew each other." He starts sobbing.

Sara puts a hand on his shoulder. "It'll be okay."

Just then, there's a knock at the door. Sara gets up to answer it while Patrick continues to sob.

She opens the door to find SpongeBob there. "Hi, is there a Patrick Star here?" he asks.

"Why, yes there is," Sara says in surprise.

Patrick raises his head in surprise. "SpongeBob?"

They both yell with glee and run towards each other, embracing in a hug. "How are ya, buddy?" SpongeBob asks.

"A lot better now that you're here," Patrick says.

"Yeesh, get a room," Doug scoffs.

Patrick and SpongeBob let go of each other. "So why did you act so rude before?" Patrick asks.

"Rude?" SpongeBob inquires. "I just got here!"

"But I saw you walking down the street the other day," Patrick insists. "Only your voice was deeper, and you had a mustache, and you weren't wearing your regular clothes. Oh yeah, why were you in disguise?"

SpongeBob looks to the camera à la Missing Identity. "Patrick, I don't think that was me," he says to him.

"Oh," Patrick says. "Well, what do you wanna do?"

"I don't know... LET'S GO JELLYFISHING!" SpongeBob yells.

"All right!" Patrick cheers. They walk out of the room as Patrick tells SpongeBob about the jellyfishing arena they have.

Sara shuts the door behind them. "Phew," she says.

"You know, I think that guy was more annoying than the last," Doug comments.

"You weren't the one who had their intelligence insulted," Sara replies.

"I feel like my intelligence was insulted just by having that guy in my house," Doug replies.

"We allow Patrick in here on a daily basis, don't we?" Sara asks him.

"Oh yeah," Doug says.

---

SpongeBob and Patrick have a great time roaming around New Kelp City. They go to the jellyfishing arena, the National Museum of Bubbles, then they go to McCoral's for dinner.

Ronald walks up to them. "Hello, I'm- Patrick?!"

"Hey, Ronald!" Patrick greets him. "SpongeBob, this is Ronald."

Ronald laughs. "Who's your friend, Patrick?"

"Ronald, this is SpongeBob," Patrick replies.

"I see," Ronald snickers. "So, could I interest you in the... FRUIT salad?" He cackles.

"No, I think I'll have a Coral Burger with Coral Bits and a Coral Shake." Patrick hands in his menu.

"Make that two." SpongeBob hands in his as well.

Ronald takes their menus and sneers at them for not getting the joke. "It will be here shortly," he says.

"Thanks, pal!" Patrick waves. Ronald walks back to the kitchen in disgust.

After dinner, SpongeBob and Patrick are waiting at the bus stop. "Are you sure you have to go, SpongeBob?" Patrick asks.

"Well yeah, Patrick, I have to get home to feed Gary," SpongeBob replies.

Patrick gives him a big hug. "Thanks for coming, buddy."

"I'm glad I could come, Patrick," SpongeBob replies.

The bus comes, and SpongeBob gets on. "Bye, Pat!"

Patrick sniffles and tears well up in his eyes as he waves goodbye and grabs a handkerchief.

---

Patrick goes to McCoral's the next morning, happy that he saw SpongeBob, but sad that he had to go. Still, he is ready to do his job.

He notices the sign says "closed". He tries to remember what Tyler told him. "Don't switch the sign!"

Patrick obliges, and walks into the restaurant. James catches him. "Aha!" he says. "So you're too good to change the sign for me, eh?"

"N-no..." Patrick says. "But Tyler told me-"

"Oh, so you listen to Tyler instead of me?" James scoffs.

Patrick starts to cry. "I'm sorry, James! Please don't fire me!"

"Relax Patrick, I'm not going to fire you..." James says. "But there are a couple of things I'd like you to do for me..."

"Like what?" Patrick asks.

"Well for starters, change that 'Closed' sign to 'Open'!" James says. Patrick does so. "Okay, now here's what I want you to do..."

---

Patrick walks up to Tyler. "Hey Tyler, I left the sign alone, just like you asked."

"Well, I'm going to check anyway," Tyler replies. He goes up to the door to find the "Open" part facing outside. "Patrick! the Open side is facing out!"

"It is?" Patrick asks, surprised. "It wasn't before."

"Oh, don't play dumb with- ah, forget it," Tyler says. "I'll just change it back."

"Change what back, Tyler?" James asks, who was hiding behind a booth.

Tyler jumps in surprise. "Uhh... uhh..." For once, he is left speechless.

"Save it, Tyler," James says. "The jig is up."

"All right," Tyler says in defeat. "Oh well, it was good while it lasted."

James nudges Patrick. "Thanks for helping me in this ruse," he winks.

"You're welcome," Patrick says.

The three of them just stand around for a while.

"So.. I should.. get back in the kitchen," Tyler says.

"Yeah, you do that," James replies.

"Yeah," Patrick adds.

Tyler walks back to the kitchen, ending the episode.

That was a fantastic episode.

It's been eons since somebody's said anything about this spin-off.

Episode 11: That Generic Episode With the Job Switch

Patrick is at a diner with Doug and Sara.

"What can I get y'all?" the waitress asks.

"I'll have a... a... uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....." Patrick replies.

Doug snaps his fingers across Patrick's face. He then sighs and says, "I'll just order for him. Two Kahuna Burgers, please."

The waitress writes that down. "And for the lady?"

"Oh, I'll just have a salad," Sara replies.

"One... salad..." The waitress writes that down. "Okay, your meals will be here shortly."

"Thank you," Sara says, handing in the menus.

The waitress walks away. Patrick, finally coming out of what seemed like a trance, says, "One Kahuna Burg- hey, where'd she go?"

Theme song plays.

---

The waitress brings the meals to their table. "Here you are," she says. "Two Kahuna Burgers and one salad." She walks away.

"How did she know what I wanted?" Patrick asks.

"Must be psychic," Doug quips. He eats his Kahuna Burger.

Sara just picks at her salad. "What's the matter, Sara?" Doug jokes. "Not enough lettuce?"

"No, I'm just thinking... it must be really tough being a server," Sara says. "Having to deal with annoying customers and whatnot..."

"Oh, come on, Sara..." Doug replies. "It can't be that hard if Patrick's one." He laughs.

Patrick starts laughing too. "Haha... yeah... HEY!"

"Oh come on Patrick, you know I was just kidding..." Doug replies.

"You think being a server is so easy, why don't you try it?!" Patrick replies, irate.

"Maybe I will!" Doug replies, standing up.

"Maybe you should!" Patrick replies, standing up as well.

They start growling at each other until the waitress comes up. "Excuse me, but if you two don't settle down, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

Patrick and Doug calm down and sit down, but they still glare at each other. Sara meanwhile nervously eats her salad, knowing she was indirectly responsible for this.

---

Tyler is cleaning off the grill while Ollie is reading a magazine. "Wait, something's not right here," Tyler says.

"I know, I actually feel relaxed at work for once," Ollie shoots back.

Tyler nods. "Yeah, and I feel like a workaholic. What's going on here?"

Ollie cocks an eyebrow. "Don't you remember? Mr. McCoral noticed how little work you do around here, so he's decided to switch the roles for a day. Oh yeah, and in case you think about slacking off, he's standing right there," he says, pointing off camera.

We see James standing there. "That's right, Tyler," he says. "Ollie's going to be doing very little work before service today." He snickers rather evilly.

"Are you trying to creep me out?" Tyler asks.

James's face instantly softens. "Kind of. Is it working?" he asks.

"Yyyyyeah," Tyler replies.

"Get back to work, then," James whispers gruffly.

Tyler goes back to cleaning the stove.

"Oh, by the way... can either of you explain who this is?" James gestures to Doug, who is out in the dining section of the restaurant as a waiter.

---

Patrick is sitting on a chair in Doug's boss's office. "So, let me get this straight, uh... Patrick," he begins. "You and Doug had a falling out last night over whose job was harder, so you decided to switch for a day?"

"That's right, sir," Patrick replies proudly.

"I feel like I'm in some cliché plot of a poorly written TV show," the boss replies.

"That's funny, because I feel like I'm in an office," Patrick replies.

The boss folds his hands. "So Patrick, do you have what it takes for this job?" he asks.

"Of course I do!" Patrick scoffs. "I mean, how hard can it be?!"

"Well, you can start by finishing this document," the boss says, handing him a sheet of paper. "I expect it to be completed by the end of the day."

"Yes, sir!" Patrick salutes. He rushes to Doug's cubicle. As he's running, he bumps into Johnny (Doug's co-worker), who spills coffee all over himself.

"OW! HOT, HOT HOT!" Johnny wails, rushing to the washroom.

"Wow, what an exciting line of work!" Patrick exclaims, seating himself.

---

Doug is sitting on a chair in James's office. "So, let me get this straight, Doug... you're replacing Patrick for the day?"

Doug nods. "That's right."

James extends a hand to shake. "Welcome aboard."

Doug, although a little unsure, shakes it.

---

Patrick is reading the document, trying to figure out what to type. Sara walks up to him with an exasperated expression on her face. "Mr. Rowntree told me that I have to supervise you. So thanks for making my job twice as hard," she grumbles.

"You're welcome," Patrick replies innocently. "Hey, can you help me figure this out?"

"Honestly," Sara scoffs, not paying attention. "You and Doug switching jobs - what a stupid idea!"

"Uh, Sara? The document?" Patrick asks.

Sara looks down at the document. "What? Oh, yes," she says. "Well, this is what you do... hey, why should I help you? You think this job is so easy, do it yourself!" She stomps away.

Patrick looks down at the document in fear.

---

The first customers walk in to McCoral's Restaurant, a husband and wife. Doug seats them at the nearest table. "How we doin' tonight?" he asks.

"Fine, thank you," the husband replies.

"Can I get y'all somethin' to dr-" Doug is about to finish his sentence, when James comes up and clamps a hand over his mouth. "We just need a moment," he reassures the customers, leading Doug into his office.

He sits at his desk and motions Doug to sit down across from him. "What's the problem?" Doug asks.

"What's the problem?! 'Y'all'? 'How we doin''? What do you think this is, The Golden Corral?"

Swoosh cut to me, sitting at a desk. "Which, by the way, is a very nice restaurant. I would like to reinforce the disclaimer that I do NOT agree with everything the characters say."

Somebody off camera shouts to me. "Uh, Eric? You never had that as a disclaimer."

"Hey, camera guys aren't allowed to talk," I say harshly.

Swoosh cut back. Doug replies, "I was just trying to be friendly, sir..."

"You can be 'friendly' all you like, but don't degrade the restaurant in doing so!" James huffs.

"All right, all right..." Doug relents. He walks out of the office. "Sheesh..." He is going back to take the order when Tyler walks out and drags him into the kitchen.

"What?" Doug says sarcastically. "Was I not walking right?"

"No," Tyler smirks. "I just wanted to say 'welcome to my world'."

Doug looks at him strangely, then walks back out to the dining area.

---

Patrick look at the document, biting his fingers. The Final Jeopardy music plays as he does so.

Patrick grabs his head. "I can't do it!" he exclaims.

Swoosh cut to Patrick in Mr. Rowntree's office. "You... quit?" he asks in disbelief.

"Yes," Patrick replies regretfully. "The work load... it's just too much for me to take." He walks out of his office.

Mr. Rowntree walks out of his office and walks up to Doug's cubicle. He grabs the document, brings it to his office, and shreds it. The document was simply there to keep Patrick occupied.

---

Doug arrives home from McCoral's, frustrated and exhausted. He looks at Patrick, who is calmly sitting at the kitchen table, eating a doughnut. "What are you doing home so early?" he demands.

Patrick is silent for a moment. Then he says, "All right! Your job is really hard! I couldn't do it!"

"Ah-ha!" Doug replies triumphantly. "I performed your job without a hitch."

"What's a hitch? I never needed those in my job either," Patrick replies.

Doug ignores Patrick's stupid comment and says, "The point is, I'm more competent than you!"

"You may be more competent, but I'm better at avoiding work!" Patrick proclaims.

Doug looks sternly at Patrick. "Let me tell you something," he says seriously. "NOBODY, I mean NOBODY, is better at avoiding work than me."

"Oh, really?" Patrick scoffs. "Then explain to me why I got out early from your job, but you did my job for a full day!"

Doug starts to retort, then realizes that what Patrick said actually made sense and stops. "Wow, Patrick," he says, astonished. "I think you've finally bested me at something!"

"That's right!" Patrick crosses his arms triumphantly.

Sara walks in from her job, disgruntled. "You know, I had to do both of our jobs today because of this stupid thing you two did," she says to Doug, glaring.

"Wow..." Doug replies. He turns to Patrick. "You got her to do your job for you? Awesome!" He high-fives Patrick.

Sara loses her patience. "NO! This is NOT something you high-five over!"

"You're right..." Doug admits. "Props, brah." He fist bumps Patrick.

Sara facepalms and walks into her room.

Doug and Patrick look on and shrug.

---

Patrick comes in the next morning to McCoral's, ready to begin his job again. James rusahes out. "Patrick, thank God you're back," he says. "Doug was turning this place into The Golden Corral."

Swoosh cut to me, sitting at my desk. "All right, I don't know what his grudge with the Golden Corral is. It's a great restaurant."

Swoosh cut back. "So, do I get a raise?" Patrick asks hopefully.

"No," James replies curtly. "Do your job."

He walks back into his office, leaving Patrick standing there.

Patrick shrugs, and starts to set the tables.

Good episode.

Earlier today, I read every episode of this spin-off so far. Congrats Wumbo, this is probably my favorite spin-off on this site at the moment!

Thanks for the comments, guys. New episode tomorrow.

Episode 12: A Health Note (courtesy of tvguy)

Patrick is waiting tables on a particularly busy night at McCoral's. A really snooty-looking fish walks in, along with his wife. Patrick walks up to greet them. "Welcome to McCoral's," he says cheerfully. "Let me show you to a seat."

He walks them over to a particularly dirty table. "Hold on a second," he says. "Let me clean it first." He sprays the table with air freshener. "All right, it's fine," he says.

The husband looks at the table in disgust. "Fine? You call THAT fine?" he asks.

"Uh... yes?" Patrick replies.

The man and his wife leave in a huff. "We'll take our business elsewhere," the man declares.

Patrick shrugs. "Suit yourself," he says.

Theme song plays.

---

Doug is eating a doughnut at his workspace.

Mr. Rowntree comes by and notices this. "Doug, what are you doing?" he demands.

"Uh... eating a doughnut?" Doug replies with his mouth full.

"And why are you eating a doughnut?" Mr. Rowntree demands.

"Because I'm hungry," Doug replies matter-of-factly.

Mr. Rowntree facepalms. "You're supposed to be eating at lunchtime!" he says.

"Yeah, I know. I'll do that," Doug replies, finishing his doughnut. Crumbs fall upon the keyboard.

Mr. Rowntree facepalms again. "Just... clean the crumbs off the keyboard," he says wearily.

"Hey, I'm not being paid to be a janitor," Doug protests.

"You won't be paid at all unless you do what I say," Mr. Rowntree threatens.

"All right, all right... sheesh..." Doug sweeps the crumbs off the keyboard into his lap.

Mr. Rowntree grunts and walks away.

"I can't understand why he's so grumpy all the time," Doug comments as he types.

---

James is gathering his employees together for a staff meeting. "All right, guys," he states. "The health inspector is coming tomorrow, so today we need to clean up our act." He looks squarely at Patrick. "This means that spraying a table with air freshener does not constitute cleaning it."

"But it makes it smell so good..." Patrick protests.

James holds up a hand to cut him off. "And another thing," he says, now looking at Ollie and Tyler. "Your workplace is looking awfully greasy. Get it clean."

"I'm sorry, do you want us to do this before or after we prepare the fries and mozzerella sticks?" Tyler asks innocently.

"After," James replies, not really catching Tyler's sarcasm. "And," he continues, now addressing the entire group again, "Just do whatever you can to make this place the cleanest it can be."

Ronald looks over at Patrick. James catches this and says, "And nobody's getting fired."

"Always wanting to do things the hard way," Ronald mumbles.

James claps his hands. "Okay, break!"

They all look at James strangely. "Did you say 'break'?" Tyler asks. "What are you, a football coach?"

"Well..." James begins.

Swoosh cut to James reading a book called "101 Ways to Intimidate Your Employees". He puts his finger on #27: "Talk like a football coach". "Hmmm..." he says.

Swoosh cut back to the restaurant. James replies, "You're being ridculous. Now go long!" He points to the kitchen.

Tyler looks at him strangely, then walks back to the kitchen.

---

Doug is working on his computer when Mr. Rowntree walks up to him. He hands him an envelope. "Here you are, Doug," he says.

Doug takes it and looks at it suspiciously. "What is it?" he asks.

"It's your paycheck," Mr. Rowntree insists.

"But I don't usually get it until tomorrow," Doug replies, confused.

"Well, I decided to give it to you a little... early," Mr. Rowntree smiles.

Doug looks at him strangely, then looks at the envelope. "Aw, what the heck. Money!" he exclaims, ripping it open. He then looks at the paycheck with a confused expression. "What the hell is this?"

"Well, this is my way of dealing with what you do around here," Mr. Rowntree explains. "See, that was going to be your original paycheck, but I had to take off some of it due to the damage you caused over the past week."

Doug looks at the check in disbelief. "'Donut crumbs on the keyboard'? That was a one-time thing!"

"Yeah, that's why I only took off ten cents," Mr. Rowntree insists. "Look at the other subcharges."

Doug looks down the list. "'Abuse of employee'?" he asks.

"What do you call tripping Justin while he was carrying a stack of papers?" Mr. Rowntree counters.

Doug laughs as he remembers what he did. "I call it hilarious." He looks at the list again. "'Poor aim in the facilities'?"

"Let's just say it's not a picnic for the janitor to clean up," Mr. Rowntree states.

"Come on, man!" Doug protests. "This new policy sucks!"

"No, your attitude is what 'sucks'," Mr. Rowntree insists. "In fact, if you look near the bottom of your check, you'll see a subcharge for..."

"Oh, forget it!" Doug exclaims. "I'll take the..." he looks at the bottom. "...ten cents."

"Would you like that in cash?" Mr. Rowntree asks. He pulls out a dime.

Doug snatches the dime and shoves the paper back at Mr. Rowntree.

Mr. Rowntree tsk-tsks as he makes a note. "This disrespectful behaviour will be noted."

Doug instantly softens. "Oh, I'm sorry, sir. How inconsiderate of me. H-have a nice day." He waves, then instantly goes back to work.

Mr. Rowntree walks away, rubbing his hands together. "Now I've got him where I want him," he says to himself.

---

Tyler is trying to relax, but can't concentrate with the noise in the dining room. He opens up the door to see what's going on, and is surprised by what he sees. "What is that?" he asks.

James walks over. "It's a sterilizing crew," he explains.

"Well, do they have to make so much noise?!" Tyler asks.

"Yes, unfortunately," James replies. "It's part of the cleaning process."

"Well, not having loud noise is part of my relaxing process!" Tyler insists. "Why do I have to stay here anyway? You closed this place up."

"I want you to be here to clean up your work station," James tells him. "I won't have you leaving Ollie to do all the work."

Tyler opens the door to find Ollie sleeping, with earplugs in his ears. "Yeah, all the work," Tyler grumbles. He starts cleaning.

---

Mr. Rowntree, Doug, Sara, and a few other employees are at a meeting. Mr. Rowntree is concluding. "...and I believe that these ideas will benefit our company."

Everybody is clapping, Doug the loudest. He goes up to pat Mr. Rowntree on the back. "Great ideas, boss," he states. The other employees there look at each other in confusion.

After Doug sits down, Mr. Rowntree clears his throat. "Ahem... does anyone else have any ideas?"

An employee raises his hand. "How about a swimming pool?" he suggests. He and his buddies snicker.

Mr. Rowntree is about to reprimand them, but Doug beats him to it. "Shame on you!" he reprimands. "How dare you come to this meeting with a stupid idea like that?!"

Mr. Rowntree sinks into his chair. "I've created a monster," he whispers.

---

Patrick gets home after a long day of cleaning. "Phew," he says.

Sara is at the table, drinking coffee. "Rough day?" she asks Patrick.

"Yeah," Patrick says. "It was an entire day of cleaning." He makes a face.

"That doesn't sound too bad," Sara remarks.

"Cleaning with Mr. McCoral," Patrick clarifies. "He brought an entire sterilizing machine in!"

"Well... you have to give some credit to the man for wanting a clean restaurant," Sara replies.

"I guess," Patrick pouts.

Doug walks in and Sara addresses him. "Hey, where were you?" she asks.

"Oh, just working overtime for Mr. Rowntree," Doug replies.

"Doug, what's happened to you?" Sara asks.

"Well, all I can say is some of us will be getting full paychecks... and some of us won't," Doug replies. He then saunters into his room.

Sara looks at Patrick. "Okay, between you and me, he's been acting weird...er than normal today."

Patrick looks down. "...but between you and me, there's a table."

Sara facepalms. "Maybe you're not the best person to discuss this with."

"Yeah," Patrick replies. "My level of thinking is too deep for you."

---

Doug is whistling while typing on his computer. Mr. Rowntree walks up to him. "Uh, Doug?" he says.

"Yes, Mr. Rowntree?" Doug replies.

"I've been thinking..." Mr. Rowntree begins.

"As always, sir," Doug replies.

"Well... I don't think that the surcharges I've been charging on people's paychecks have been very fair," Mr. Rowntree says.

"Unfair? What's unfair is that you're paying too much for those people who do nothing around here!" Doug replies.

"Yes, well... I've decided to stop with the pay cuts," Mr. Rowntree says.

"Oh. Mmkay," Doug replies. He slouches in his chair and begins to slack off.

Mr. Rowntree breathes a sigh of relief. "Better the Doug you do know than the Doug you don't," he says to himself.

---

The health inspector is in McCoral's kitchen, doing his job. "Hmm... looks good," he says, inspecting the stove. Tyler is standing by, rolling his eyes.

He then looks inside the oven. "Good... good..." he comments. He gets up and shakes Tyler's hand, then does so with Ollie as well. "It's been a pleasure inspecting your kitchen," he smiles. "Keep up the good work." He exits.

Ollie looks at Tyler. "You think he said 'good' enough?" he snickers.

Tyler snickers along with him. "How many ferrets do you think died to make his toupée?" he laughs.

They both start laughing. James walks in, overjoyed. "We passed!" he cheers. "We passed!"

Tyler and Ollie stop laughing. "Oh, cool," they say. They go back to work, messing up the kitchen again.

James looks on in disbelief. "But... but... don't you want to take more pride in your work now?"

"Why should we? You have enough for all of us," Tyler replies.

James leaves in disgust.

---

Doug is texting on his cell phone during a meeting. Mr. Rowntree glares at him.

Doug looks up. "I'm trying to... increase communication?" he tries.

Mr. Rowntree lets it slide. "Finish your message," he relents.

Doug continues to text. Mr. Rowntree continues his presentation of "Maintaining the Status Quo."

I just read the entire series from start to finish and....my fucking favorite spin off EVER. I just loved it to bits. It's witty, funny, the characters are relatable and SO life like. I LOVE it! Do NOT get discouraged; keep plowing through this season and make as many eps as possible! ^.^

Eagerly awaiting Epiosde 13...

good episode, Wumbo

tvguy347 wrote:Eh....sounds repetitive. It sounds like it's been done before. It just doesn't stand up to Coral Drive or Tentacle High. I'm sorry, but a ton of spin offs are about Patrick moving away and getting a job and blah blah blah blah. I don't think I'll be tuning in. I was expecting a bit more from you.

tvguy347 wrote:I just read the entire series from start to finish and....my fucking favorite spin off EVER. I just loved it to bits. It's witty, funny, the characters are relatable and SO life like. I LOVE it! Do NOT get discouraged; keep plowing through this season and make as many eps as possible!

Eagerly awaiting Epiosde 13...

Good to see I've made a convert.

But seriously, thanks. You too SOF.

Wumbology wrote:

tvguy347 wrote:Eh....sounds repetitive. It sounds like it's been done before. It just doesn't stand up to Coral Drive or Tentacle High. I'm sorry, but a ton of spin offs are about Patrick moving away and getting a job and blah blah blah blah. I don't think I'll be tuning in. I was expecting a bit more from you.

tvguy347 wrote:I just read the entire series from start to finish and....my fucking favorite spin off EVER. I just loved it to bits. It's witty, funny, the characters are relatable and SO life like. I LOVE it! Do NOT get discouraged; keep plowing through this season and make as many eps as possible!

Eagerly awaiting Epiosde 13...

Good to see I've made a convert.

But seriously, thanks. You too SOF.

But that was before I experienced the awesomeness of PBB. I just read the series over for a second time; that's how much I love it. More episodes NOW.

Also, if you are enjoying the series, then I really recommend you check out the show Corner Gas. The humour here is pretty similar to that show.

So...any new episodes? Try airing it every week. =D

tvguy347 wrote:So...any new episodes? Try airing it every week. =D

Hot damn. Cool down, buddy.

that70sguy92 wrote:

tvguy347 wrote:So...any new episodes? Try airing it every week. =D

Hot damn. Cool down, buddy.

Lol, for real!

that70sguy92 wrote:

tvguy347 wrote:So...any new episodes? Try airing it every week. =D

Hot damn. Cool down, buddy.

I want new episodes..

tvguy347 wrote:

that70sguy92 wrote:

tvguy347 wrote:So...any new episodes? Try airing it every week. =D

Hot damn. Cool down, buddy.

I want new episodes..

Yeah, we know, since you've told him daily.

that70sguy92 wrote:

tvguy347 wrote:

that70sguy92 wrote:

tvguy347 wrote:So...any new episodes? Try airing it every week. =D

Hot damn. Cool down, buddy.

I want new episodes..

Yeah, we know, since you've told him daily.

I told him once in the review, and once outside of the review. Not daily...

Calm your hormones guys, I'll post a new episode when I can.

Episode 13: Return of Ping Pong

Patrick is playing with a ping-pong paddle with the ball attached to a string. His ball keeps missing the paddle after he bounces it once.

Doug walks in. "Hey, a ping-pong paddle!" he exclaims. "I used to play with those all the time when I was a kid."

"Really?" Patrick asks. "'Cause this is hard."

"Here, let me try. Maybe I've still got it," Doug replies. He grabs the ping-pong paddle from him, and tries it out.

A time card pops up that says "Two Hours Later".

Doug is still going strong with it, but it's now nighttime. Patrick opens the door to his bedroom and asks, "Could you keep it down out there?"

Doug drops the ping-pong paddle. 'Oh, of course," he grins sheepishly.

Theme song plays.

---

Patrick wakes up the next morning to find Doug playing with the ping-pong paddle. "Doug?" he asks.

"Shh... don't break my concentration," Doug replies. The ball doesn't hit the ping-pong paddle.

"Aww! All right, what do you want?" Doug asks.

"Why are you playing with that thing now?" Patrick asks.

"Why not?" Doug replies.

Patrick tries to come up with a retort, but can't. "I guess I can't argue with that logic," he finally says.

"Thank you," Doug replies. "Now, if you'll excuse me..." he starts up again.

Patrick shrugs his shoulders and pours himself a bowl of cereal, which causes Doug to lose his concentration again. "Damn it, Patrick!" he growls.

Patrick backs away. "I... I think I'll skip breakfast today." He rushes out the door. Doug starts up again.

---

Patrick makes it to work, stomach growling. "Hey, does anybody have any food here?" he asks.

The staff just stares blankly at him. "Oh, right!" Patrick laughs. "I brought a choccolate bar from home." He takes it out and eats it.

The rest of the staff exchanges looks of confusion. James clears his throat. "Uh... *ahem* Patrick, we were just discussing having this place open for breakfast. What say you?"

"Sure!" Patrick grins. "It'll save me from having to eat at home!"

"Patrick, why do you think you would get any of the breakfast?" James asks.

Patrick looks ashamed. "Sometimes my tummy does the thinking for me," he replies.

James runs a hand over his face. "Okay, so yes or no?"

"Yes!" Patrick replies.

"No!" Tyler says.

James turns to Tyler. "Sorry Tyler, you're outvoted."

"1 to 1," Tyler replies. "I still have a-"

"YES!" the rest of the staff shouts.

Tyler's brow furrows. "Someday when I'm rich and famous, I'll have a lot to say in my autobiography," he asserts.

"How many cars are you planning to drive?" Patrick asks.

"What?" Tyler asks. "No, Patrick, an autobiography means you write it yourself."

"So you're gonna get a car to write for you?" Patrick asks. "How's it gonna hold the pen?"

"Forget it," Tyler says in disgust. He walks back into the kitchen.

James addresses the staff once again. "Okay, we're going to need a sign."

"Oh, don't tell me we're going to get a car to write that too," Patrick says.

James ignores him and turns to Susie. "Susie, you do it," he says.

"Okay," Susie replies. She goes to get some supplies from James' office.

Patrick looks at James hopefully. "Could I... help Susie?" he asks.

James stares Patrick down. "What could you possibly do to help?" he asks.

Patrick is unsure. "Sort... the markers?"

James looks at him blankly. "Okay, okay," Patrick says.

---

Doug is in the carpool, twitching. Sara is sitting next to him. "I keep telling you to lay off the coffee," she admonishes.

"It's not coffee... this time," Doug replies. "I need to play with that ping-pong paddle."

"Elaborate quickly, before my mind goes down the double entendre route," Sara says.

"I saw Patrick playing with this ping-pong paddle... the ones with the ball attached to the paddle by a string," Doug explains. "I used to be a champion at that, Sara. I got up extra early to play it this morning... I don't know if I can last the day now."

"Oh, come on Doug," Sara replies. "How hard can it be to go without a ping-pong paddle?"

Swoosh cut to later that day, with Sara working at her cubicle. All of a sudden, we see Doug rushing past. "Must... have... ping-pong paddle!" he yells.

Sara looks on. "That hard, apparently," she sighs.

---

Patrick and Sara are eating dinner, but Doug is too busy with his ping-pong paddle.

"So McCoral's is now open for breakfast," Patrick tells Sara.

"Oh, cool!" Sara replies. She then looks over at Doug, annoyed. "Could you please stop? We're trying to have a conversation," she admonishes.

"Ssh!" Doug replies. 'Don't break my..." The ball then misses the paddle. "Dammit! I was on a roll."

"You'll be rolling across the floor if you don't put that thing away for dinner," Sara threatens.

Doug starts up again and smirks. "Yeah, right. Dream on, Chicken Arms," he replies while concentrating on his ping-pong paddle.

Sara reaches over and snatches it from him. "Hey!" Doug cries.

Sara smirks. "Never underestimate the power of 'chicken arms'," she says.

Doug just looks on, mouth gaping.

---

The next day, McCoral's is busy ofr breakfast, and that means Ollie and Tyler are cooking up a storm.

"I kind of wish Patrick did do the sign," Tyler says. "Then we wouldn't have as many customers."

"Oh, quit your whining," Ollie replies. "We're probably getting paid extra for this."

Swoosh cut to James at the end of the day. "No, I'm not paying you extra for that," he says.

"WHAT?!" Ollie is outraged.

"Hold on a sec." James rushes into his office and comes back out, carrying his "Employee Rules and Regulations" handbook. He flips to a dog-eared page that states, "Every employee shall be obligated to serve breakfast without expectation of a raised salary." He closes the book.

"You wrote that with purple crayon!" Ollie rages.

"I was out of pens," James sheepishly admits.

"Well, I quit!" Ollie says. He takes off his apron, throws it on the ground, and leaves.

"Wait! Ollie..." James calls. But he is too late, as Ollie has already left.

Tyler opens the door and throws down his apron as well. "If he's gone, I'm gone!" he asserts.

"Wow," James says. "I had no idea you could stick up for Ollie like that."

"Huh? Stick up? No, I'm just not doing all the cooking. Seeya," Tyler replies, skipping out the door.

James facepalms. "Now who will do the cooking?" he asks.

"Definitely not me," Ronald replies. "Because I quit!"

"What?" James asks.

"You heard me," Ronald replies. "If I'm going to do this extra work, I expect to be paid extra." He storms out.

James throws his hands up. "Well, this is just great!" he exclaims. "Now what will I do?"

Swoosh cut to James taking the breakfast sign back inside. "You've caused me nothing but trouble," he says.

Somebody walks by. "Uh dude, you're talking to a sign," he says.

"I know," James replies.

---

Sara is sitting at her computer desk, typing something. Doug walks up to her, hands twitching. "Uh.. Sara?" he asks.

Sara turns to him. "Yes, Doug?" she smirks.

"Do you think... maybe... you could... tell me where you hid the ping-pong paddle?" Doug asks.

"Give me one good reason to," Sara replies.

"Well... I'm all edgy. I know this sounds silly, but I think that ping-pong paddle is keeping me sane," Doug says.

"Doug, if I believed that that ping-pong paddle kept you sane, I would have handed it to you on a silver platter," Sara insists.

"Just tell me where it is!" Doug replies.

"No!" Sara insists.

"Yes!" Doug replies.

"No!" Sara insists.

A random worker walks by. "Hey, the intellect here is improving," he comments dryly.

"Sara, I'm begging you," Doug pleads. "I'll do anything!"

"Anything?" Sara asks.

Swoosh cut to Sara lying on the apartment's couch, head propped up by a pillow. Doug is feeding her grapes. "Would you like me to fluff your pillow again, my queen?"

Swoosh cut to another hypothetical scene. Doug is flipping through channels on the TV. "Hey, Sara... what do you want to watch tonight?" he asks.

Swoosh cut to Doug telling Sara, "Well, it wasn't easy, but I've finally developed a time machine! Now you can go back and change the past! Specifically, inviting me in your apartment in the first place."

Swoosh cut back. Sara asks Doug, "How good are you with developing time machines?"

Doug looks at her strangely.

---

All of James' employees have gathered together for a meeting. "...So there's no more breakfast served, and your salaries will remain the same. Agreed?"

"Agreed," everyone replies.

Ollie and Tyler go back into the kitchen. "Hey Tyler," Ollie remarks. "Have you ever noticed how things always seem to go back to normal around here?"

"It's never normal around here," Tyler replies.

---

"Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!" Doug repeats, following Sara around.

Sara finally loses her patience. "I THREW IT OUT!" she yells.

Doug goes silent. "You did... what?" he asks.

"I threw it out! I couldn't take it anymore!" Sara replies.

Doug looks at Sara with a pained expression on his face. "I feel like you threw out my childhood," he gasps.

Sara sighs. "Look, I'm sorry," she says. "But it had to be done. You were going insane with that thing!"

"Was not!" Doug replies.

Swoosh cut to Doug playing with the paddle while eating dinner. Swoosh cut to him playing with it in bed. Swoosh cut to a closed bathroom door, the sound of the ball hitting the paddle. Sara, on the outside, knocks. "Are you actually doing anything in there?" she asks.

"Aww, dammit! You broke my concentration again!" Doug complains from the other side.

Swoosh cut back. Doug says, "Okay, maybe I went overboard a little..."

"Try a lot!" Sara insists.

"Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry, Sara." Doug hangs his head.

Sara is a little surprised by Doug's reaction. "You're... sorry?"

"Yeah, I am," Doug replies.

Sara stands around awkwardly. "I... don't know what to say to that," she finally says.

"You mean you're speechless?" Doug inquires.

"Yep," Sara replies.

"I... I don't know what to say to that," he says.

They both stand around awkwardly for a couple more minutes.

Sara finally speaks up. "Well, i'm gonna... get supper ready."

"Yeah... you do that," Doug replies.

Great episode. Makes me reminisce about one of my favorite Misadventures episodes.

Episode 14: Secret Meeting

Sara is looking through a filing cabinet at work. She then discovers something. "What in the..?" she says, pulling out a squirt gun.

Swoosh cut to Sara at her boss's office, holding up the squirt gun. "I found this in the filing cabinet," she asserts, thrusting it in his face.

Mr. Rowntree leans back. "I can see it from here, Sara. No need to bring it so close."

"I'm just trying to emphasize it," Sara replies.

Mr. Rowntree grabs the squirt gun. "Who could have put it here?" he wonders.

Swoosh cut to Doug, working in his cubicle. An announcement comes over the P.A. system. "Doug Blair, please come to Mr. Rowntree's office immediately."

Doug rolls his eyes. He goes to Mr. Rowntree's office, opens the door, and says, "Talk to me."

"First of all, 'talk to me' is not acceptable when you're talking to me..." Mr. Rowntree begins. "And second, can you explain this squirt gun?" He holds it up.

Doug grabs it. "Well, it's very simple, Mr. Rowntree," he says. "You simply push this doohickey here, and..." Water comes out and hits Mr. Rowntree square in the forehead.

Swoosh cut to me, in an office. "Hello," I say. "To address all the people who have a problem with water shooting out of a squirt gun underwater, I suggest that you simply replace the word 'water' with 'goo' mentally whilst watching this show. And for those who don't get riled up about these little things, I apologize for wasting your time. Enjoy the show."

Swoosh cut back. Mr. Rowntree wipes the water off his face. "I mean, can you explain why it was in the filing cabinet?" he asks.

"Oh, that I can't explain," Doug replies, handing the squirt gun back. Well, it was fun squirting you. Toodles!" He leaves.

Mr. Rowntree frowns.

Theme song plays.

---

Patrick is taking a young couple's order. "...So that's two hamburgers, two glasses of orange soda, and an entire chocolate cake?"

The young man looks at Patrick quizzically. "...No, that's... not what we ordered at all."

"Sorry, my stomach's doing the talking for me," Patrick says sheepishly. "What'll it be?"

"Two Cobb salads, and two glasses of water," the young lady replies.

Patrick writes it down. "Will that be all?"

"Yes," the man says.

Patrick stares at him blankly. "Seriously?"

"...Yes," the man says.

Patrick writes it down and makes a face. "Gee," the man says. "Are the Cobb salads really that bad?"

"Well, no, but... that's not that much food," Patrick says.

Ronald looks over. "Hey Patrick, I've been in this business longer than you have, and I'm pretty sure that if you take the customer's order without questioning it, it makes for a much better service," he sneers.

"Yeah? Well... go suck a barnacle!" Patrick replies.

The young man looks to his wife. "Um... sweetie, I think we'd better go," he says.

The couple gets up and leaves, as do all the others in the restaurant.

Ronald indicates the empty tables. "Now look what you've done!" he says.

"Me?! It was you..." Patrick begins to retort.

James grabs both of them and drags them into his office. He drops each one into a chair. "Listen up, you two!" he barks. "You can't keep yelling at each other during service. Do it on your own time."

"But he's so... irritating," Ronald shudders.

"And he's so..." Patrick begins.

"I don't want to hear it!" James says. He puts tissues in his ears. "Okay, now you may proceed."

The two start ranting about the other, ending in a Sailor Mouth-esque pointing at each other going, "Da-da-da-da-da-da!..."

James takes the tissues out of his eara and says, "All right! The only solution to this is to send you two to employee therapy."

"How about just sending Patrick to regular therapy?" Ronald suggests.

"Zip it, Ronald!" James replies. "The first session is tomorrow afternoon at 1:00. If you're not there, you're fired."

Both Ronald and Patrick start grumbling. "That's the spirit," James says. "Now, get back to work." They trudge out of the office.

---

Mr. Rowntree is searching through a filing cabinet, when he finds a ham sandwich. He pulls it out, scratches his head, and says, "What the...?"

Swoosh cut to Doug in Mr. Rowntree's office. "I swear, it wasn't me!" Doug says.

"Don't play with me, Doug!" Mr. Rowntree snaps. "I know it was you! You're the only one here who eats ham sandwiches!"

"Okay, first of all..." Doug says, "Don't ever tell me not to play with you again, because I need to wash my mind out with soap after those mental images. And secondly, how do you know I'm the only one who eats ham sandwiches? Do you have some bizarre lunch tracking device or something?"

"Nonsense!" Mr. Rowntree insists while carefully hiding the lunch tracking device under his desk. "I just happen to be... very observant of my employees."

Swoosh cut to a visibly pregnant female employee walking by Mr. Rowntree's office. Mr. Rowntree remarks, "Hey, Lucy! Got a bun in the oven?"

"Only for the past four months," Lucy scoffs.

Swoosh cut back. "Or maybe that was Barbara..." Mr. Rowntree says to himself.

"What?" Doug asks.

"Never mind," Mr. Rowntree says quickly. "The point is, I know you did it!"

"What if I can prove to you that I didn't do it?" Doug asks.

"And how are you going to do that?" Mr. Rowntree asks smugly.

"I have my ways..." Doug replies.

Swoosh cut to Doug reviewing the security cameras with Mr. Rowntree. A strange masked fish walks up, opens the filing cabinet, and puts a ham sandwich inside. He then shuts the filing cabinet and walks away.

Mr. Rowntree is staring, flabbergasted. "I can't believe it!" he exclaims.

"Believe what? That you were wrong?" Doug replies.

"Well, yes, that, and the fact that this weirdo got past security!"

Swoosh cut to the security officer at his desk, asleep.

Swoosh cut back, "Yeah, that is hard to believe," Doug comments dryly.

Mr. Rowntree looks at Doug. "I have misjudged you," he says.

"You... what?" Doug asks, confused.

"Yeah, I didn't think it was possible either," Mr. Rowntree replies, "but it doesn't matter. What matters is we catch the guy who has been doing this. And I know just the person for the job..."

Swoosh cut to Sara, working at her cubicle. "You want me to what?" she asks.

"I want you to ask Larry to watch the filing cabinet," Mr. Rowntree replies.

"What? Why can't you do it?" asks Sara.

Swoosh cut to Larry in Mr. Rowntree's office. "Larry, I'd like you to..."

Larry sneers at him menacingly.

"...go on with... whatever it is that you've been doing," Mr. Rowntree finishes nervously, tugging at his collar.

Swoosh cut back. "Too much paperwork," Mr. Rowntree insists. "Now are you going to do it or not?"

Sara rolls her eyes. "Whatever." She walks up to Larry and asks him. Larry agrees, and walks over to the filing cabinet. Sara walks back.

Mr. Rowntree is flabbergasted. "How did you...?!" he asks.

"Simple," Sara replies. "I asked him if he could watch the filing cabinet for suspicious activity."

Mr. Rowntree is still surprised, and decides to go back to his office.

---

Patrick and Ronald arrive at the employee therapy session 5 minutes early. Ronald sneers at Patrick. "Trying to please the boss?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" Patrick replies. "And anyway, you're here early too."

"Yeah, well... be that as it may... shut up!" Ronald replies.

A man opens the door. "Hi, are you here for the employee therapy session?"

Patrick begins to reply but Ronald cuts him off. "Yes, we are!" Patrick glares at him.

"Great! Come on in," the man replies.

---

Larry is standing guard at the filing cabinet. A skinny employee comes up to take a file, but Larry thrusts his fin in his face. "Hold it!" he barks. "What do you think you're doing?"

"I-I-I- w-w-w-was j-j-j-just..." The employee runs away before he finishes his sentence.

Mr. Rowntree witnesses this and walks up to Larry. "Listen, Larry, I appreciate what you're doing, but is it possible for you to be a little less intrusive?"

Larry growls at Mr. Rowntree, who slowly backs away. "C-carry on, Larry," he stammers nervously.

---

The employee therapy session has begun. Right now, the employees are telling the rest of the group their names. "I'm Brandon," one says. "I'm here because my fellow employee is stalking me."

"I keep telling you, it's my twin sister!" the female employee next to him insists.

Brandon looks at the leader of the session in disgust. "See what I have to go through?"

The leader finds it wise to move on. "Okay, you. Starfish. What's your name, and why are you here?"

"Um... uh..." Patrick stammers.

The leader is growing impatient. "Come on, all I want is your name and why you're here!"

"Um... uh... 24!" Patrick blurts out.

The leader is confused, but simply says, "O-kay, 24... why are you here?"

Patrick stares blankly at him.

"Well?" the leader asks.

"Well, what?" Patrick asks.

"WHY ARE YOU HERE?!" the leader explodes.

"Ohh... I thought you were asking some guy named 24," Patrick laughs.

"YOU'RE 24! YOU SAID SO YOURSELF!"

"No, I'm Patrick," Patrick replies. "Anyway, the reason why I'm here is I'm not getting along well with Ronald."

After facepalming, the leader calms down. "Who is Ronald?" he asks.

"This is Ronald," Patrick replies, pointing at Ronald.

"Okay, anything you'd like to say, Ronald?" the leader asks.

Ronald clears his throat. "Yes. It's all his fault we're not getting along well!" he says, pointing at Patrick.

"My fault?!" Patrick replies indignantly. "You're the one who..."

"All right, that's enough!" the leader says sternly. He looks around. "Okay, now that we've all gotten to know each other, let's start with a game. It's called Word Association. I say a word, and you say the first word that pops into your head! Okay? Okay!" He points at Brandon. "Work."

"Hell hole," Brandon replies.

"Up-bup-bup! That's two words!" the leader replies.

---

Sara is taking a sip of coffee when suddenly, she is pulled by her collar into Mr. Rowntree's office and seated down on the chair. She fixes her collar and says, "There have got to be less intrusive ways to get my attention!"

"That's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about, Sara," Mr. Rowntree replies.

"You thought of less intrusive ways to get my attention?" Sara asks.

"Well, maybe not exactly..." Mr. Rowntree replies. "Larry is intruding on other people's personal space. I can't even get a file from the filing cabinet anymore!"

"And this is my problem... how?" Sara asks.

"Well, you're the one who told him to guard that stupid thing in the first place!" Mr. Rowntree says.

"Because you told me to!" Sara replies.

"Well, you didn't have to listen!" Mr. Rowntree says.

"Yes I did! You're the boss!" Sara replies.

"All right, all right... just tell him to stop," Mr. Rowntree says.

Sara gets up in a huff. "Fine," she says. She stomps off, but a loud crash is heard before she exits the room.

"What the...?" Sara and Mr. Rowntree both go out to investigate, only to see Doug held upside down by his ankles by Larry, holding a ham sandwich. "I caught 'im!" Larry says proudly.

Mr. Rowntree and Sara just stare, shocked.

---

"No, no, no," the leader of the employee therapy session says. "You can't hyphenate 'hell hole', it's two words!"

"Um..." Ronald raises his hand. "Can I go to the washroom?"

The leader snorts. "Fine, but make it quick," he says.

Ronald waits until the attention is focused on the leader's argument with Brandon again, then he drags Patrick to the washroom.

"What are you doing?!" Patrick asks.

"Don't you get it? We need to get out of here! This could go on forever!" Ronald insists.

"You're right," Patrick agrees. He then realizes what he just said. "Whoa... did I just say that?"

"Good! Use that!" Ronald says.

"Use... what?" Patrick asks.

"Pretend that we're completely rehabilitated! Then we can get out of here," Ronald explains.

"Oh, okay," Patrick says. "Just one question, what does 'rehabilitated' mean?"

Ronald groans. "'Rehabilitated' means that you're all better, you don't need any more therapy."

"Oh, okay," Patrick replies.

"Now let's go!" Ronald insists. They walk back out.

"Boy, Patrick, you sure are a great starfish!" Ronald says, smiling fakely.

"Thanks, Ronald," Patrick replies. "And if you were a starfish, I'd return the compliment."

"What's going on here?" the leader asks.

Oh, Patrick and I, we're best buddies now." Ronald puts his arm around Patrick. "Isn't that right, Patrick?"

"That's right, Ronald!" Patrick replies, putting his arm around Ronald.

"Don't push it," Ronald warns Patrick under his breath. He looks back at the leader. "So, I guess we won't be needing you anymore! Toodles!" They run out before anyone can protest.

The leader scratches his head. "Now, where were we? Oh, yeah. Hell hole is two words!"

---

Patrick and Ronald take their arms off each other when they are well away from the employee therapy session. "Well, Ronald," Patrick says, "I think this could be the start of a beautiful-"

"Don't finish that sentence!" Ronald tells him. "We have to go back to hating each other now."

"What? Why?" Patrick looks hurt.

Ronald puts his arm around Patrick. "Listen, it's nothing against you. I just have a reputation to live up to, and when it comes to brightness, well... you're about a three-watt."

"That's what Marty always told me," Patrick says.

"Marty?" Ronald looks confused. "Who's Marty?"

"Never mind," Patrick says. "Here! How does this look?" He gives Ronald his best glare.

"Perfect!" Ronald laughs. "Use that!" They walk off.

---

Doug comes out of Mr. Rowntree's office, after getting chewed out by him. Sara walks up to him. "Doug?" she asks.

"Yeah?" Doug replies.

"You weren't really the one putting stuff in the filing cabinet, were you?"

"No," Doug replies.

"Then... why did you confess?" Sara asks.

"I wanted to stop this madness," Doug replies. "Specifically, the whole thing with Larry blocking the filing cabinet."

Sara smiles. "That's what you call 'taking one for the team'."

"But there's still one thing I don't understand," Doug says thoughtfully. "Whatever happened to the real culprit?"

Swoosh cut to James opening his desk, only to find a Slinky in it. "What the hell...?" he asks himself.

Swoosh cut back. Sara shrugs her shoulders. "Maybe he died," she says matter-of-factly.

Doug shrugs his shoulders too. "Maybe," he says.

---

James sees Patrick and Ronald returning, and beams. "Well, I see that you're back," he says. "Did you learn anything?"

"We learned how to get out of-" Patrick begins to say, but Ronald clamps a fin over his mouth. "We learneds how to act civil towards each other."

James rubs his chin. "I see," he says. "And clamping fins over the other's mouth is 'acting civil'?"

Ronald laughs sheepishly and takes his fin off of Patrick's mouth. "Well, as long as there are no more shenanigans, you may carryon," James says. He goes back into his office.

He comes back out with a Slinky. "By the way, do you have any idea who owns this?" he asks.

---

There's the last Patrick's Big Break for about 6 weeks. Hope you enjoyed it!