Jokes

A place for jokes (der? x3) Because laughs are good for everyone!

So, I guess I'll kick it off:

A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened, but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.
In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.

''Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.''

''That must have hurt,'' said the judge.

''No kidding,'' said the best man. ''I broke three of my fingers.''

I may find a joke to post soon.

I had one but I forgot it. >.< Here's one, though:

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

Here's a dirty one:

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

*giggles* Those were both awesome

A man walks into a bar and says, "Ow! That hurt!"
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What'd an enraged shrimp say to a greedy shrimp? "Stop being so shellfish!"
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terminoob wrote:A man walks into a bar and says, "Ow! That hurt!"
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What'd an enraged shrimp say to a greedy shrimp? "Stop being so shellfish!"
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The bar one is hillarious!

Do you know what you get when you play a country song backward? You get your job back, you get your house back, your wife back, your truck back ...

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He was dead.

/thread

Wumbology wrote:Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He was dead.

/thread

I...didn't quite comprehend that one Here are some Chuck-oriented ones:
Chuck Norris is aware of Waldo's location
Chuck Norris views/percepts a tornado as his personal vacuum cleaner
Every martial arts class globally is required to introduce a lesson on "roundhouse kicking"
Volcanoes erupting imply Chuck Norris has had a coarse day
Chuck Norris isn't really sadistic. Quakes are spawned by him adjusting the earth as he sees fit.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open
Chuck Norris can state the final digit of *intromit the emblem of pi here:P*
This is one resembles no relationship to Norris:
Why did the lemon head to the doctor? His stomach was feeling sour

I suck at jokes.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear condoms. Why? There is no protection from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't breathe. He holds air hostage.

When Chuck Norris does pushups, he does not push up. He pushes the world down.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart would never be foolish enough to attack him.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips off the fool's head.

---

8 CN jokes. I am satisfied.

There was three old ladies sitting on a porch talking about what they're husbands did to them while engaged.

The first old lady says, "My husband got a BIG diamond ring."

The third old lady says, "How nice."

The second old lady says, "My husband bought me a BIG ranch, with horses and everything."

The third old lady says, "How nice."

The first old lady says, "Well, you didn't tell us what your husband did!"

The third old lady says, "He took me to charm school."

The second old lady says, "Why did he take you to charm school? You're as charming as ever!"

The third old lady says, "He took me to charm school because when I was there, they taught me to say, 'How nice.' instead of 'Screw you.'"

------------------------------------

There were 100 nuns in a church one day while a preacher was preaching.

"Two of our own had sex here." the priest said.

99 nuns went, "Oooooh...." and one nun went, "Tee-hee!"

"We found a condom in the garden." the priest continued.

99 nuns went, "Ooooooh....." and one nun went, "Tee-hee!"

"There was a hole in the condom." The priest finished.

99 nuns went, "Tee-hee!" and one nun went, "Oooooh........"

SG10 wrote:

Wumbology wrote:Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He was dead.

/thread

I...didn't quite comprehend that one

It's kind of a dumb joke, in which you would expect a pun or something, but instead you get "He was dead."

Another one of my favourites:

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of an airplane?

"MEEEEEEE!"

A man and his wife are doing yard work. Husband says to wife, "Your butt is as wide as the grill." She ignores the remark.
A little later the husband takes his measuring tape and goes over to his wife while she is bending over working in a flower bed. He measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it IS as wide as the grill!"
Later that night while in bed her husband starts to feel frisky. She calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are mistaken."

Hush wrote:A man and his wife are doing yard work. Husband says to wife, "Your butt is as wide as the grill." She ignores the remark.
A little later the husband takes his measuring tape and goes over to his wife while she is bending over working in a flower bed. He measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it IS as wide as the grill!"
Later that night while in bed her husband starts to feel frisky. She calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are mistaken."

First joke that cracked a smile out of me.

BUMP

So this person came on to the XAT the other day and cussed us out and made unfunny your mother jokes and then started to called us a certain homosexual slang term that got Goosey suspended and this person's name was Hush.

Shoot I forgot to add a punchline...

Clappy wrote:BUMP

So this person came on to the XAT the other day and cussed us out and made unfunny your mother jokes and then started to called us a certain homosexual slang term that got Goosey suspended and this person's name was Hush.

Shoot I forgot to add a punchline...

I don't comprehend

Gentile Mordecai wrote:

Clappy wrote:BUMP

So this person came on to the XAT the other day and cussed us out and made unfunny your mother jokes and then started to called us a certain homosexual slang term that got Goosey suspended and this person's name was Hush.

Shoot I forgot to add a punchline...

I don't comprehend

Don't your remember dragiiin, you were there yesterday and so was jjs and Hush was being a spammer

Clappy wrote:

Gentile Mordecai wrote:

Clappy wrote:BUMP

So this person came on to the XAT the other day and cussed us out and made unfunny your mother jokes and then started to called us a certain homosexual slang term that got Goosey suspended and this person's name was Hush.

Shoot I forgot to add a punchline...

I don't comprehend

Don't your remember dragiiin, you were there yesterday and so was jjs and Hush was being a spammer

That was dead charizard.

Sarah Palin.

Yeah, I went there.

Wumbology wrote:Sarah Palin.

Yeah, I went there.

Thank goodness I'm not the only one.

Btw can we just change that to the whole Palin family?

Not really a joke, but still:

Do you reckon they called the Saw series "Saw" for this conversation:

"Did you see Saw?"
"Yes I saw Saw."
"Did you see Saw 2?"
"Yes I saw Saw 2 too."
"Did you see Saw 3?"
"No but I saw Saw 4."
"What did you see Saw 4 before you saw Saw 3 for?"

Clappy wrote:

Wumbology wrote:Sarah Palin.

Yeah, I went there.

Thank goodness I'm not the only one.

Btw can we just change that to the whole Palin family?

Anyone named "Bristol" automatically deserves to be mocked.

So here is a dirty/sexist joke that one of my friends told me once. In no way am I sexist, but I couldn't help but laugh my ass off and thought you guys would too



As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

"Did you see Saw?"
"Yes, I saw Saw, so I sowed seeds, see?"
"I don't see why you sowed seeds to see Saw."
"See, I sowed seeds so I could see Saw, because I can't see Saw without sowing seeds, so I sowed seeds. So?"
"So I see. See that seesaw over there?"
"I see. So?"
"So, don't you see? We could see Saw on a seesaw!'
"So? I saw Saw, see? So why would I see Saw on a seesaw?"
"Sow seeds, then! I see you don't want to see Saw with me on a seesaw, so sow your seeds by the sea!"
"The sea? You saw my seeds?"
"Si, I saw your seeds, sowed by the sea, see?"
"I see. So let's see the seeds I sowed by the sea again!"
"Nah, I'll see your seeds later."
"I see."

...Pokesponge started it.

Wumbology wrote:"Did you see Saw?"
"Yes, I saw Saw, so I sowed seeds, see?"
"I don't see why you sowed seeds to see Saw."
"See, I sowed seeds so I could see Saw, because I can't see Saw without sowing seeds, so I sowed seeds. So?"
"So I see. See that seesaw over there?"
"I see. So?"
"So, don't you see? We could see Saw on a seesaw!'
"So? I saw Saw, see? So why would I see Saw on a seesaw?"
"Sow seeds, then! I see you don't want to see Saw with me on a seesaw, so sow your seeds by the sea!"
"The sea? You saw my seeds?"
"Si, I saw your seeds, sowed by the sea, see?"
"I see. So let's see the seeds I sowed by the sea again!"
"Nah, I'll see your seeds later."
"I see."

...Pokesponge started it.

YAY! A new one to learn off-by-heart. Thanks for posting this Wumbo.

So I'm at work yesterday and the mailclerk starts handing out letters from upper management. At this point, I'm thinking "Oh crap, how am I gonna tell my family I got laid off?" Fortunately, I'm only 29 years old. You'll understand when you read the letter.
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Manager. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can get.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

Heard this joke in my first year living on campus



On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

"How much for a season pass?"