A Long Awaited Explanation

Why am I explaining this now? Its because I got into a wee bit of drama last night with tvguy that could backfire if he doesn't forgive me.

Last year, I left you guys due to a bunch of reasons: I was doing poorly in school, my internet life was taking over my real life, my job was changing over, my grandpa (who was a huge influence on my life) passed away, etc. All of this was leading me to a spiraling road of depression. The thing about me is that I suffer from a disorder. An anxiety disorder. There is no fancy name for it. It's just a regular anxiety/panic disorder. I tried to hide all my stress for so long that I just had an epic meltdown and made me try to change myself. For the course of the months that followed I became a jerk and tried to get rid of my e-life in general by trying to end my friendships with anyone that I was FB friends with at the time, which was only Doogle and Jelly. While Doogle had no clue I removed him from my FB list, I literally turned on Jelly and absolutely snapped at her.

I felt like a horrible person so I came back to SBC this August in hopes to recover any friends I might have lost due to me departing with no explanation. Luckily Doogle automatically forgave me, but I had no response from Jelly, so after months of waiting for her to see my tv.com blog explaining myself, I sent her a very lengthy PM on tv.com in hopes that she forgave me. Luckily, she did and now she is on SBC again

Now let's fast forward to the present. Last night on the XAT, it was just me, Jelly, and tvguy. Tvguy was being absolutely quiet once 70s left, so me and Jelly tried to figure out why. Tvguy was worried about me and Jelly potentially teaming up on him and bashing him. We tried to talk some sense into him because neither of us would team up on him. Then he thought that neither of us thought of him as one of our best e-friends. This is where he is wrong because I think of him as one of my best five friends I have on this site. I was giving up on trying to figure out what was wrong with him, so I decided to leave the XAT and then these following words were mentioned by said tvguy

"I know you guys aren't going to bash me, but because I haven't really reformed my friendship with Jelly and I barely met you, it feels uncomfortable"

This was the beginning of my current stress disorder I am suffering from right now. Just to let you guys know how what I am feeling right now, it feels like that the past five months of my friendship with tvguy meant absolutely nothing to him and that whatever friendship he once had with Jelly back on tv.com when Jelly barely posted on tv.com after I left is more important to him then the five months we have shared together on SBC. I really sincerely thought that our friendship was extremely close.

To top it off, with me suspending Dragiiin, I am also extremely concerned about potential backlash there in our friendship because I see how Dragiiin treats people he doesn't like like Luke or tvguy just to name some examples.

Right now I am just in a big heaping hole of depression right now since I am having relationship problems with Brit, I am nervous about moving out of the house this weekend, I am worried about if tvguy truly thinks our friendship isn't significant, and potential Dragiiin backlash. This may seem like nothing to whoever reads this, but due to my anxiety disorder this seems like a lot to me. I don't want what happened a bit over a year ago to happen once more, so I could really use someone to talk to try and talk me out of this anxiety.

I feel for you Clappy, I just hope TVGuy feels the same

I feel for you, Clappy. I hope things work out.

I'm assuming we made up, through the string of PMs we just had, but I can only speak for myself. But so people know why I didn't speak:

I haven't gotten to know Clappy very well. I still haven't fully understood Ex, but he's one of my best e-friends. I didn't talk when 70s left because Jelly and Claps were still sort of new to me, since I haven't seen Jelly in about a year until she showed up again. 70s was someone who I've known since I first joined, and he's familiar to me. Claps and Jelly weren't as familiar, although it was more so with Claps than Jelly.

It just takes me a while to get used to people. Ask Ex and 70s on how long it took me to get used to Dragiiin. Ex and I took over a year to develop a friendship. When we first met, we despises each other. But over the many, many..many months, we built a friendship that has now stood even after many fights were thrown at it. And I think our friendship can be like that, Clappy. =)

Sorry about your ordeal, Clappy. And the reason Dragiiin dislikes me, is because I annoyed the shit out of him at the beginning of my SBC days.

I love everybody, Clap.

While I do know what happened to you back then, I didn't think your anxiety disorder was affecting you recently this much. You do know you can talk to me any time, even though my advices aren't always the best, I WILL listen to whatever is bothering you, I just don't want anything like what happened a year ago to ever happen again.
As for tvguy, he knows we are his friends, and he better know it good. I personally thought you two were tighter than me and him because he joined tv.com around the time in which I was starting to be inactive and then we talked shortly in SBM, and I rejoined SBC some weeks (maybe a month or 2?) after you did, so I would think you two had shared more, and I do remember you telling me how he was one of your best e-friends here, so I hope he understands that. We are all friends here, let's try to remember that more often.

Oh I was meaning to comment on this earlier

Thanks guys for being so nice about all this. My anxiety disorder is not as bad as I was making it out to be in my previous post. Maybe that's because I was writing that admist my moment of panic

Anywho, yeah I haven't been feeling the same the past week, probably for all the reasons I listed earlier.

Thank you tvguy and also Dragiiin for being forgiving about all this and I am glad to have two friends like you

That goes for everyone who commented on this and everyone on this site.

@Jelly - You already knew about the relationship issues I have been having with Brit and you were in the middle of the tvguy issue that happened the other night. However, you did not know about how nervous I have been about moving out but now you know how worried I am. The school never e-mailed me about where I am living and I am suppose to move in this weekend >.>

Clappy wrote:Oh I was meaning to comment on this earlier

Thanks guys for being so nice about all this. My anxiety disorder is not as bad as I was making it out to be in my previous post. Maybe that's because I was writing that admist my moment of panic

Anywho, yeah I haven't been feeling the same the past week, probably for all the reasons I listed earlier.

Thank you tvguy and also Dragiiin for being forgiving about all this and I am glad to have two friends like you

That goes for everyone who commented on this and everyone on this site.

@Jelly - You already knew about the relationship issues I have been having with Brit and you were in the middle of the tvguy issue that happened the other night. However, you did not know about how nervous I have been about moving out but now you know how worried I am. The school never e-mailed me about where I am living and I am suppose to move in this weekend >.>

No prob bob.